Monday, December 21, 2009

For most of my life I have never been the first at anything. I am the middle of three girls. As you can guess, my older sister beat me out in most of things, which was fine even expected. But when my little sister surpassed me in the first of many. I admit I was a bit jealous. She was the first to get married-of course we don't mention she was the first to divorce as well-She was the first to have a kid. Which I think hit my older sister more in the gut than myself.

So no I had never been the first at anything.

But I realized this weekend that I am the first at something. I am the first of my close friends to get married, to have a kid. No maybe it isn't with family. But with friends. The thought came to me last night, as one of my closest, oldest friends called to tell me she had gotten engaged to her boyfriend of nine months. I congratulated her as she asked me to be a bridesmaid, answering yes of course...

Of course being the first, means all that excitement has long since passed. The moments that they are looking forward to have come and passed. My husband of almost four years doesn't quite get the reason why this saddens me a bit. And maybe he shouldn't. Perhaps I am being a little jealous even. But there are times, when I miss that excitement. When I miss the look in my husband's eyes. Don't get me wrong he still looks at me, he still loves me. But it isn't the same look he had all those years ago.

Instead there is this comfort. This everyday routine that has come to be shared between the two of us. We come we go. We know each other. We work as one to raise our son. This sort of routine that my friends will soon be in themselves.

Maybe its not so much the fact that I was the first. But rather, a hope that me being the first, isn't my last.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So, one should mark this day down in the area's history books.

For the blizzard of 09' came through dumping almost two feet of snow on our small front lawn.

And it still continues.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Roll with it.

And so thus concludes another successful, or at least I hope-semester at Mason. Another semester done, one more closer to being done for good. As I looked around the room, half of which was a good ten years younger than me I admit, I had to give myself some made props.

I mean its not just anyone that can have a baby, be married into the NHL organization, work a full time job in the most powerful city in the world and still care enough to take two classes.

Not that it's easy. Believe me I will be the first one to tell you it isn't. In fact I can't tell you the number of times I have thought, you know how much easier it would be if I just gave up? Just said enough is enough. Because believe me the thought, has run through my mind on more than one occasion. Because it is tiring. And it is a lot of work. And sometimes I don't know how I am going to do everything. Or how I do everything.

But the truth is, if I did. If I just gave up. It wouldn't be who I am, a fighter. A never give up sort of person. Because while it may be a lot easier to do so, in the end it wouldn't really help any. And ten years from now, eighteen years from now when Logan looks at me and is trying to figure out his college choices-should that be the path he goes- I don't want to be that bad example. I want him to think if my mom can do it, I can do it. Because when he is choosing I don't want to regret not going.

So I don't. I continue to push. And I continue to trug along my merrily little way two classes at a time. Knowing that come five months from now, I am two more classes closer.

And by this time next year. I will have 7 left.

7...

thats it.

I can do this.
I will do this.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The cruds.

Puke.

I smell like puke. My mother called last night, a night she had said she would watch Logan for us to inform me that he was running a fever, his eyes were pussy and he just over and all didnt look nor feel good.

Great.

We ended up taking him to the doctors this morning. Expecting to have pink eye. After all, his eye did in fact look quite pink. But as we sat there waiting, and listening we were quite shocked to find that it wasn't the expected. But instead, the flu. Now they couldn't say if it was H1N1 or the regular flu because apparently the test to do so aren't as reliable as they would like. Which leads me to think, why do they even say they have a test for the damn thing. Instead they just say they have the flu, or like symptoms. Give the kid some tamiflu just in case and tell us to stay away from the public for the next several days.

So much for the vaccinations he received a couple of weeks ago.

This isn't necessarily the first time the little man has been sick. But it surely has been the worst. Prior to this. Well it has consisted of a few colds, and a few fevers. But never has it been the down right sort of crud nasty that this is. And just like any mother, I ache for the little guy. And there isn't anything I can really do which makes me feel that much worse. Because as a mom, I am supposed to be able to take care of anything and everything for him. Though I know there are some things, out of my control.

Girls who will surely break his heart.
Not landing a dream job.


The flu.

Oh the things I get to look forward to..
This my friends is only the beginning.

I best get used to it.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I walked into the room this afternoon, knowing that this is it. The final week of classes officially before exams next week. The official exam week is next week. But stepping in, man did it feel good. To know that for at least a little while I won't have to worry about papers or test. Granted my break is not nearly as long as the break I had last semester when Logan was born.

But at least I know for a little while. Well for a little while I can rest and forget school.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Got our first inch of snow this year. OK so more than an inch, try five and a half inches...And it isn't even winter official. Something tells me its going to be a long winter my friends.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

You know for a decade I wrote in a blog every day. And man I thought it was good, and I thought I couldn't live without. And now, I don't know but it just seems like I can't find anything to write about...

Other than the fact that I don't know....I am hoping to get back into it.....

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I have words. I promise and I am currently working on something to write that is longer than a sentence.

Just bare with me.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

My thoughts are heavy tonight. They have been for some time.

And I don't have anything to answer them with which unfortunately is not good for me.

But there are a lot of things I am pondering.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Hockey is a frustrating sport. I have to say this. I am sitting here watching the Caps vs. Rangers. We are currently up by one. With a little over fifteen minutes to go, I don't like it very much. Of course I want a win. Gee another man down.

Fucking Avery. I don't like him very much. Then again, there are several players I don't like very much. I won't mention them at the moment, but a lot of them deal with the Penguins.

Fourteen minutes to go.

I want another goal or two to favor us.

And really I don't know why I am posting this entry.

I wish I had some other things to say....

Saturday, November 14, 2009

They often say, if you love someone, you would want what is best for them no matter what. Even if that means, not being with them, giving them away or letting them go. Unfortunately for most, we can not see what is best for ourselves let alone someone else. And we often do things we shouldn't.

Like staying with those that are hazardous for our health.

I have this friend, nice person, generally all around one of the good ones. And while they have tried, they haven't seemed to successful in their love life. They seem to always be, with the wrong person. The wrong time. Or whatever you may want to call it. And their relationships, have never seemed to be all that healthy.

Of course they have yet to figure it out.

Their latest, we had hoped would change things. It was going well, they were hitting it off. And while there had been no indication, it looked like they were leading down the path of marital bliss before to long.

And then things changed. And things got messy. And one thing led to another. And they would be off. And then they would be on. And then it would be well I don't know.

The latest apparently set them off for good. Or so they said.

And I doubted. While my husband said no it would be over It would be done.

I was still skeptical.

And tonight. We got word. That I was right. And he was wrong. And they are once again back on, and things are looking up in the world.

And yeah.

Lets just see how long this shall last.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I love my husband. I support my husband in whatever he does. Including his profession. But there are times, when I want him back. When its after ten thirty on a Friday night such as this, and I can't help but wish to be in bed with him instead of sitting in front of my computer wishing it to be.

Don't get me wrong. I know he loves his job, and I know this is what he wants to do. And I don't feel as though I am one of those women that need to be with their man twenty four seven in order to feel loved by him. But between my school schedule. And the NHL schedule, there are times when we don't see each other. For days. And when we do its for the hour in the morning, most of which is taken by us running around getting Logan ready, getting ourselves ready. Then before we know it, we are kissing each other on the cheeks and saying our goodbyes.

Until the next time. Sometimes, we don't exactly know when that will be.

This week, we have spent a total of 1 night together. One.

And I wonder why I worry we won;t survive.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Oh how things change.

I must admit I have been down ever since my email informing me I did not make the Disney Moms Panel. I know its been a couple of weeks, and I know I should just suck it up and get over it. But for some reason, it just was really hard. I wanted it, like I had wanted little else. I hadn't experienced that kind of wanting in such a long time.

So I have been down. But vow that I will try again next year. And that I will already start my campaign to make it into next years slot. I signed up for Twitter. I friended people crazier than I was. I follow people, and all. Just for the chance that maybe it may help me in the advantage of next year's panel decision.

And then today.

I was asked something I didn't think possible. From a highly visited and respected blog about Disney. Asking me if I would blog about my experiences with the Disney Dinning. And my allergies...I just about jumped. My heart once again beat a little faster.

Why?

Because maybe I didn't make it this year. But maybe this is a good thing. Maybe just as good. I will still connect my love of Disney and writing. Because maybe it will point me in the right direction.

And maybe, it will give me something to smile about.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In just over a half hour, the DC Sniper will be executed via lethal injection. I sit here, in my own house thinking about him. As I have done for the past several days. Ive thought about what I think is right, and what I think is wrong when it comes to the death penalty. Ive thought about the days, the weeks that he spent in our area, putting fear into so many including myself. and how horrible of a man he was.

no i dont find any wrong in executing him. after all, my mom said it best. at least he was given the choice. he knew when he is going to die. his victims didn't. and he eventually did it to himself. i mean he had the choice of not to do it. and yet he did.

but i thought about him. sitting in a cell. knowing that in thirty one minutes from now he will ending his life. how he was given his last meal. and his last request. i wonder what goes through a mind when it occurs. i wonder what he is thinking. if he is feeling anything. i dont know. not at all. is it strange? i thought about this on sunday, when he had two days to sit and wait. i wonder what that does to the mind. i wonder what he is doing at the moment...

or if he is doing anything at all.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Before Logan, I was pretty much an above average student. I was at every class-minus the two allowed myself to skip= I did my work, took extra time in writing papers and when I got them back, they were always in the A-B range. But things change. Times have changed. I do not have the time I once did. I do not have the energy to focus entirely on writing papers and studying. Not that I do not to obtain these grades that I once had. And its not that I am not thrilled when they came around.

Last week, when I received the F on my financing I was no doubt heabroken beyond belief. In a way I cant say I wasnt and didnt expect it. Anything that is dealing with math freaks me out anyway. Still in the back of my mind, I wasn't happy about.

And when I got my exam back today in my communication class, I sat there as she handed them out. Looking at the percentage that she posted on the board. Including, two D's. And while I felt pretty good about it. In the back of my mind I was thinking, was this going to be the same sort of thing. Was I going to be one of the two people that received the D....I didn't want to look, but as she called my name up I made my way to the front grabbed my exam and looked down.

I was two points shy of a B.

But after last week's disaster in financing. I will gladly take the C+ and run.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

So I don't get tweeter. I know several people that tweeter. But to me, I just have never felt the need to let everyone know that I am about ready to use the bathroom. I don't feel the need to have everyone know my wherabouts. That being said, it seems that everyone is doing it these days. Last week after receiving my rejection letter from the Disney's Moms panel, I jumped on Facebook looking for others like myself, feeling the sting of the rejection. There of course, where several of us. And one thing that most had in common. They all had tweeter accounts.

Again I didn't get the fascination. But in the past week, I have been casually following several tweeters. And all of a sudden I have the inclining to actually try it out. For some odd, god knows why I want to at least see what the fuss is all about. I mean would it hurt? Couldn't I just stop if it wasn't for me?

I am sure I could.

Now the only question.

Would anyone follow?

Monday, November 2, 2009

I want it that way.

That's my song. My go to, I need a pick me up. Please lord let me get through this song.

It's the song I sing when I get nervous, the first time I ride a roller coaster. The song I sing when I am in pain. It was the song I sang through labor-on a side note-when they turned me away the first time at the hospital i came home and put on mtvhits videos...and the video playlist was 1990's..the video.

I want it that way.

So yes its my song.

I don't know what it is about the song exactly. The fact it has been my favorite boy band probably didn't hurt either. But whatever it is, no matter what it is I find myself singing it. Even after a decade of it's first appearance on the radio, it's the song I absolutely go to.

I mention this, because my financing professor posted our midterms this afternoon. Or at least the grades. I rushed home, not particularly interested in finding out my grade. But why not. I mean I would have to find out sooner or later.

So I got on.

And my heart hurt. There in front of me, staring me straight in the face, was a big fat F.

I broke down and cried. I mean I just don't get it. Obviously. I wished I did. I immediately jumped on and emailed my professor once more in hopes to do anything to improve my grade. Haven't heard back.

And while I cried, I knew I needed to go to the one thing, to turn to the one thing that may not make everything perfect, would not change my grade or bring the world peace.

But would at least make me smile. Would bring me to the happy place one more.

So I hopped in my car, hoked up my ipod to my stereo and blared what else?

I want it that way.

And for the moment, I was happy.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

As if things couldn't get any better.
Mr. Logan seems to be. Well sick.

Which honestly does not surprise me. A few weeks ago, he had two colds. Back to back. They canceled the appointment on me because they did not think it was that serious. So we went on with things. We got him a swine flu shot this past Saturday, one of the required two doses. And by Tuesday night, he wasn't keeping anything down. He wasn't taking a bottle or eating food. We stayed home on Wednesday to make sure he was ok. By the evening he seemed to be better.

But now he is running over 100* temperature. He is all coughy, and raspy. And should i continue. Thankfully, my mother in law watched him yesterday, and my mom has him today. Because while I have the hours. I need to hold on to them in case something else should come along.

So once again, we have called the doctor. Still waiting to hear back if they are going to be able to squeeze him in. Hoping they will. Because this makes pretty much the fourth week in a row where I have tried to get him to see someone. But since the swine flu on top of the regular flu has hit then it seems as though no one is getting anywhere. Or going anywhere until they are in dire need of something.

Of course, this being a 9 month old I would like to think that they may see him. Because he can't exactly tell me what hurts and what doesn't.

And I am being a worried mom who doesn't know what to do. And all I can do, since I am in SE DC, and he is in Centreville, is sit here and wait for word from my mom regarding anything. Not only am I a worried mom. But i am feeling very guilty. Because I have plans to go to the hockey game. And my mom has kindly decided to watch him and keep him overnight so that I can do so. And she is still telling me to go out and have a great time. And all the while I feel as though I should be home. It is my son. I mean shouldn't I? Its times like this, when I wish I could be that stay at home mom. Who I know don't have it as easy as we all think. But at least I could be with him. And take care of him. And all.

But sadly. It is not an option at the moment...
So I continue to just be a nervous mommy..

Ah...the life of a mom

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Walking into the office this morning, I promised myself I would not, absolutely would not sit in front of my computer, and hit refresh over and over. I would not, would not would not. And it worked. For awhile that is. I updated some staffing reports. I responded to some emails. I updated our phone listing...I did everything and then, only then after everything else was done. And I could stand it no more I quickly opened my browser and headed to my yahoo account. I entered my password....

and nothing.

I told myself it was ok. It was still nine in the morning after all. The last I heard, the last I got any word it was after lunch so I figured well, it would probably be about the same time frame. Of course that didn't matter. I was still checking, and hitting the refresh button for the better part of my day.

At lunch, there was still no word.

I jumped on Facebook, headed straight for the discussion board to find out if any of the fellow hopefuls had heard of their fates. None of them had. Everything was still ok. I was still in the running.

There was still a chance for a magical happening.

I tried to get to my work, doing everything I could to ignore the fact I hadn't gotten anything. I tried to make dinning reservations since today Disney opened back up their 180 day reservations. But of course, it was down.

And once I did everything I could do. I just sat there, staring at the screen waiting for something.

Anything.

And then just after two in the afternoon an email.

I knew before opening it, that it was a rejection email. The preview told me that much. Still I read it, with every word my heart sinking further and further down.

'Cus I'm not your princess. This ain't a fairytale.'

And just like that, within a minute. My Disney Mom's panel hopeful, was just that.

A hopeful no longer. I would have to wait another year to be one.

Admittedly it stung, a lot. I had been one of two hundred that had gotten a chance. I had tasted what it was to feel the joy. And now I found myself on the side of rejection. The side that two weeks before I barely understood. I was now one of them.

I left work, feeling defeated. I was not mad at the fact that I didn't make it, I knew it was going to be a tough one to do. More like disappointed. Was there something more I could have answered? Could I have done something better?

I did not have the answer.
I probably never will.

I packed it up, headed to metro and tried to tell myself it would be ok.

Eventually.

And as I made way to my door, my almost 9 month old son on my hip I really was. I mean there would be other years. My time would eventually come. It would.

Still I checked my email, more out of habit than anything.

and I get an email.

From the panel, saying they were recalling the previous email...

So now,

I am utterly confused.

Drum Roll Please...

Walking into the office this morning, I promised myself I would not, absolutely would not sit in front of my computer, and hit refresh over and over. I would not, would not would not. And it worked. For awhile that is. I updated some staffing reports. I responded to some emails. I updated our phone listing...I did everything and then, only then after everything else was done. And I could stand it no more I quickly opened my browser and headed to my yahoo account. I entered my password....

and nothing.

I told myself it was ok. It was still nine in the morning after all. The last I heard, the last I got any word it was after lunch so I figured well, it would probably be about the same time frame. Of course that didn't matter. I was still checking, and hitting the refresh button for the better part of my day.

At lunch, there was still no word.

I jumped on Facebook, headed straight for the discussion board to find out if any of the fellow hopefuls had heard of their fates. None of them had. Everything was still ok. I was still in the running.

There was still a chance for a magical happening.

I tried to get to my work, doing everything I could to ignore the fact I hadn't gotten anything. I tried to make dinning reservations since today Disney opened back up their 180 day reservations. But of course, it was down.

And once I did everything I could do. I just sat there, staring at the screen waiting for something.

Anything.

And then just after two in the afternoon an email.

I knew before opening it, that it was a rejection email. The preview told me that much. Still I read it, with every word my heart sinking further and further down.

'Cus I'm not your princess. This ain't a fairytale.'

And just like that, within a minute. My Disney Mom's panel hopeful, was just that.

A hopeful no longer. I would have to wait another year to be one.

Admittedly it stung, a lot. I had been one of two hundred that had gotten a chance. I had tasted what it was to feel the joy. And now I found myself on the side of rejection. The side that two weeks before I barely understood. I was now one of them.

I left work, feeling defeated. I was not mad at the fact that I didn't make it, I knew it was going to be a tough one to do. More like disappointed. Was there something more I could have answered? Could I have done something better?

I did not have the answer.
I probably never will.

I packed it up, headed to metro and tried to tell myself it would be ok.

Eventually.

And as I made way to my door, my almost 9 month old son on my hip I really was. I mean there would be other years. My time would eventually come. It would.

Or rather, it will.

Monday, October 26, 2009

This past weekend, Andy and I made it a point to take Logan to the pumpkin patch for the first time. After all Halloween is next weekend. And what is a kid's first Halloween without pumpkins? Luckily for us, we hit it on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, which made for some great photo shots....




Admitidly, he didn't really understand to much of it. But he was facinated by Andy none the less...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Having technical difficulties with the pictures...

Please stand by....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

37 years of wedded bliss.

My parents are celebrating 37 years of marital bliss today. 37 years. In todays standards, that is pretty damn near impossible. And now that I am in my own marriage I find I appreciate and respect that. I know it wasn't easy. Looking back I wonder how the in the world they managed to stick through all the years. The bad ones as well as the good ones. I am not so blind to know that yes in fact they did have some rough spots. And I know they could have easily backed out, they could have called it quits so many times. But they didn't whether it was out of the needs of the children, one being a special needs child or admiration of each other or love. We will never truly now. But they have stuck it out. And they are still happy it seems. And whether they want to admit it or not. I don't think either could live without one another at this point.

I look at Andy currently on the phone. And think what its going to be like in thirty four years from now. Are we going to like our parents and still be there for one another. I hate to think that we will become just another statistic.

And then it led me to think why so many couples are just that. A statistic. And here is my take on it. Take it as you like. But I truly think people aren't willing to try. People think its going to be easy. Its going to be fairytales and happily ever after every day. And while we would all like to believe it. While we would all love to like like it. The simple truth is this, it isn't. Not everything is going to go your way. There are going to be days when you hate each other. Days when your going to fight and be mad at one another and what not. But those days are there to make you appreciate the wonderful days a lot more. The days when it is wonderful. And it is great. And you are so in love its disgusting. And you can't live without one another. Trust me the good days far outnumber the bad days.

But you must take the good with the bad. Its just the way it is.

Bottom line. Marriage is hard. Marriage is work.

And most people now and days don't want to hear it. Nor do they really want to work at it. So they give up. They decide it is easier to call it quits. Pack it up and walk away rather than stay and fight. But those that are willing to fight. Those that are willing to see past this stuff. Those that are willing to work, and take both the good and the bad.

Those are the ones that will make it.

Like my parents. God Bless them.
Have decided not to be a statistic.

And I don't plan on it either.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

time is flying.

As a kid time stood still. The school year seemed to long but then again in a way summer seemed long. The holidays could never get here fast enough. Yes time was my friend. And I couldn't wait to grow up. Of course my mom always said that there would be a day, when time would move a lot faster. When summers would begin to blur, when a year wasn't measured by a school year, there would be in fact no time in between like there was back then. I of course didn't believe her. No way would it ever happen.

But of course the old saying is always right. And my mother did in fact know best.

I am sitting here, a week and a half away from November. Trying to figure out when it became the end of the year. Or close to it anyway. I remember summer as though it was yesterday. It felt like it was summer yesterday. My son, will be nine months in a week and a half. And how in the hell did that happen?

He was born yesterday. I could have sworn it.

And she was right, time only goes by faster as you get older. I don't know why it happens. Perhaps its more responsibility one obtains as they get older. Or maybe time just really is flying more than it used to.

But whatever it is. She was right.

As always.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Reading ones own creative writing is something I need to get used to. After all, I hope to eventually be dabbing into the novel world, and I can't very well expect to not make appearances or read my work to crowds.

And this evening, I had the greatest chance of practicing I have probably ever had. When an opportunity to discuss stereotypes and discrimination came about. It also happened to be my current event week. So I thought great, I mean I can share some of my experiences. I can break out my Damaged piece and read it, maybe not all of it but at least some of it.

Right?

I sat there all day work, with one side of the screen filled with the typical administrative daily duties and the other, held my dearly Damaged piece. I went over and over it. I edited until I was happy with were it was gong. Until it was just the right length to read to a class. I reread and reread. Granted I have had this piece, worked on this piece for so long that I should have it, and probably have most of it memorized.

And when I left work in the early afternoon. I was ready. I drove not thinking about it, mainly because if I did I knew I would start to get the shakes. Once on campus I took my time, hit up the student union and grabbed my usual caffeine jolt to get me through the three hour class. A Dr. Pepper, to make up for the lack of nutritional value and to calm my sudden nerves, I grabbed a banana. And before I knew it, there was no more time to delay. Class would be starting. My speech would have to start.

I sat through three other's presentations. Patiently I must say. I watched the clock, knowing with every second my time would be up.

And before I knew it, she was calling my name and I stood amongst my peers of fellow classmates. Thirty pairs of eyes on me.....It was now or never.

I made it through the current event section, an article on a deaf couch who coaches a deaf football squad in Maryland. And before I knew it, it was over and she was asking me to speak about my own experience.

And so I did. I had every intention of repeating my piece, my baby. But as I began. I couldn't. It was as if something was holding me back. I had gotten into a groove. A groove I didn't want to mess up. I looked down at the piece and at the clock and while I was repeating everything regarding my disability, my piece just sort of faded into the background. Suddenly it wasn't that important that I read every word. So in the end, I just sort of got the message out. There was no need to repeat the story.

Because at that moment.

Everyone of the students had fallen silent.
The words I had already said already making an impact on them.

And there wasn't a need to say more.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Rejection

Rejection.

No one likes it. No one wants to admit that they have been turned down, turned away or even possibly failed. I myself am not one for rejection.

Last night I hopped on Facebook to check the 2010 Mom's Panel and quickly came across a link for the non finalists. Curious I clicked and was taken to the thousands of hopefuls now feeling the sting of rejection. One by one I read as they each explained their feelings, most of them confused and frustrated that they were once again turned down. Many of them feeling as though they didn't know what to do, to make it next year.

And all seemed to be rather pissed. As if they felt they were more entitled, more deserving than any of those that had made it to be selected. Many of these same people said they didn't know what they had to do to get picked. That they would do just about anything because while some of us that had been picked may have been good, they were better. And they could pretty much tell you why they were in the response.

None of which seemed to be that much different. They were creative. They had a mother who was elderly who had been to the parks. They planned everything including their best friends, uncle's nieces sixteenth birthday party. And so on.

And then many of them just wanted to know what the criteria is. Wanted to know what they exactly were looking for? I began to wonder why? So that in future years that can narrow it down to the few selected key words they are looking for in order to get picked? What kind of advantage is that?

They all weaved this sad woe is me. The more I read the more I began to get this feeling as though I should be ashamed that I made it. That I should feel guilty for making it. My heart skipped. I am thrilled to make it. I want this. I won't deny it anymore than the next. It would be something I enjoy...So why should I feel guilty.

Why?

Because strangers thought they were so much better than me? Somehow that didn't seem right. No. I mean there has to be a reason they chose me out of the others. There has to be a reason that they didn't choose them. I don't know what that is, and maybe I never will find out. But for some reason there was.

And then I had another thought. And it is this, there were 20,000 applicants. All of which are hopefuls all of who want this more than anything. And all of whom are fighting for the same twelve slots that the rest of us are. And everyone deserves it just as much as the next. Disney can't pick everyone. Truth is, as much as they want to, they can't. And we aren't going to find out what they are looking for, or if there is anything else that we can do to help the chances.

For in the end.

The rejection emails will still have to come out to some.
Unfortunately.

Friday, October 16, 2009

So I understand with the flu season, with fears of everyone getting the Swine flu that the doctors are skeptical about seeing anyone that isn't showing. But for two weeks Logan has had this cough. The first time I called, they put me on hold for an hour. When I eventually got tired, I called back only to find out that it would be an hour and a half now. I gave up. Because he wasn't running a fever, besides Andy said he wasn't going to wait that long. And that we shouldn't. Besides he wasn't that bad.

But for two weeks?

So on Monday I finally called back, bypassing the advice line, but for the appointment line. I made an appointment for today. And darn, I would have to take off a Friday. What a shame.

This morning, we get up. Andy took the day off as well. And then we get this call. From Logan's pediatrician. Regarding his appointment. Seems she won't see him unless it is an emergency. A dire emergency.

She told me not to worry, that its just a cold from the sounds of it. To make sure he is getting his fluids. To make sure he poops, and eats and all that. The cough that hasn't gone away should be going away. Apparently babies get plenty of colds within the first year. Not to worry, this is apparently his second one. The first came and went through his systems and this is probably just a new one.

So no they don't want to see him. Because they are preparing for an epidemic. And they don't want to see him.

Unless its an emergency.

I get it. I understand people are sick. But as a first time mom, as a new mom. I don't understand. Everyone told me that with babies, they take them. Its ok to call and all. And they usually see them.

But it isnt happening.

And what happens if that little that that isn't so important. That isn't so dire.

In the end.

Turns out to be the start of something.

Then what?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

This is so not October. Sure the calender may say its October 15th, but it isn't.

Rather it is somewhere in the early part of December. At least one would think so judging by the weather outside. I woke up this morning, after a wonderful night of rest, tucked into my nice warm covers. With my husband at my side. Not even Logan was moving around yet. Honestly, I really had no desire to move from the security of that blanket. I wait as long as I can, until they go over the weather report for the third time. As if it was somehow going to change in the ten minutes in between. Gee, it doesn't. Surprised? I roll my eyes at the thought of the low digit numbers. I contemplate some fabricated event to get me to stay in another ten minutes. Until I remember, Logan's doctors appointment tomorrow, so going in is the only option. At least it is my Friday.

But no, I didn't want to leave the blankets. I wanted to stay there all day. Wrapped up like a butterfly. Nice safe and warm...

But still, I had to. So I get moving, I dress I brush my teeth. And before I know it, its six o'clock and I have to be out the door.

And that's when it hits me. The slap of cold along my face. The barely above forty degrees. Damn, what happened to October. What happened to the transition from summer to winter, or have we forgotten about it. This is not the weather the DC area gets this early. At least we aren't supposed to.

I did not move to Colorado. I did not choose to live in Colorado. If I wanted winter one day and summer the next, maybe I would have.

But I don't.

I climb into my little Mazda Protege, my teeth shivering and instantly turn on the heat. Sitting for a minute to let my numb fingers (October remember this) adjust to the steering wheel. They do. I put the car in reverse and start driving. I expect to hear Jingle Bells and We Wish you a Merry Christmas through the radio. I almost expect to see Christmas lights, and caroling going on.

Thankfully, non of this is going on.

By the time my car is nice and hot and I am unfrozen, is the time I pull into the metro stations parking lot. I once again must face this cold nasty weather I detest so much....

The cold slaps my face.
My fingers go numb once more.
Jingle Bells play somewhere in the back of my mind.

And I swear it isn't October anymore.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Disneys Mons panel

So a month ago I entered the contest to be a Moms panelist for Walt Disney World. I entered figuring nothing much of it would come of it. this afternoon, word got out that the first emails were going on regarding the next phase of things. I like every other hopeful checked my email. and by the time i left this afternoon for class I had nothing.

I didn't think of it again. i mean it was the first time I had applied I was just happy to hear that I applied and would be in consideration. On the same lines as the congratulations, they were also sending out we are sorry emails.

I get home this evening after a long day of work and class. And a friend of mine who also applied, said that she had gotten the official thanks but no thanks. So i checked once more. just to see one more time.

and....

Wooo wait a minute. what is this...an email

From moms panel.

I open it up. The first thing I see is a CONGRATULATIONS. no freaking way. I read on. So it turns out, I have made it to the next round of judging. Gots to go find me a nice head shot and all and cross my fingers that I make it through.

I mean seriously. I never thought I would make it to round 2. And yes I realize I am really excited...and there are still a few rounds to go.

But hey that was great news.

Along with the B on the paper in Comm....

It made my night.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I will not talk about tonight's loss againts the Rangers. I will not will not will not. Instead I will remind myself that it is the fourth game of the season. Still plenty of room to grow. Plenty of games to win, and lose.

But it still hurts like hell to lose.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hockey obsession

Last night as I watched the Caps lose to the Flyers it occurred to me. I had become obsessed. There I was sitting on the edge of my couch, my husband on the other end of it. Memorized, the clock was winding down in overtime. The score was tied, and my nerves were on high. I didnt want to lose. I didn't want to hear it. And yet, as the puck flew past Theodore, sending the Flyers and their fans into a fast frenzy. And it was over. They had handed us our first lose. And I?

I was by myself. I mean I know, we are going to lose games. There isn't any way possible a team can single handedly win all games. I mean it is pretty damn near impossible to do so. But for some reason the first lose, was just devastating. Who cared that we played a game seen more in game 7 of the playoffs than the third game of the season. Who cared that for the entire game we were head to head with what is supposed to be one of the best defensive teams of the year.

In the end we still lost.

Perhaps it wasn't the fact that we lost, but rather it was who we lost to. The Flyers. The hated Flyers. The team, that is probably as much hated as the Pens. Ok, so maybe not. Pens will always be up there number 1. But the Flyers, are still up there. And losing to them was not going to be fun. It was as if the entire season rested on this game. It was as if my entire mood rested on the game.

Or perhaps it was more like

I didnt want to hear about any of the negative comments. I didnt want to hear that there it was, the reason that we won't be going to the cup finals. I didnt want to hear that Ovie can't produce, that the Caps can't produce. I didnt want to hear any of it.

When did I get like this? Seven years ago I barely knew anything about the game. I was riding the coat tails of my husband. I picked the guys he liked. Etc. And now?

Now as I sat there, I was trying to figure out who was more upset, my husband, the man who works for the Caps organization or me.

And thats when I knew, somewhere along the line. I had gone from just your average hockey wife, who loved the team.

To an obsessed fan

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

So from time to time I have mentioned having more than one blog. I can't help that I am a word junky. Anyway, blogger has been my recent acquire and there for has never been my main one.

No, the title belongs to a little website called Kiwibox, now Kiwi and I have had a relationship for going on damn a decade now. They have gone through a sisters runaway, my first love, an engagement. A marriage, a pregnancy a birth.

it has been there through it all, all documented and written out, with now over two thousand entries total.

But things are changing, and the reasons I have stuck with it may no longer be there. No longer do my cool little designs, that i loved seem to be there. It's looking an awful lot like blogger, livejournal all the other ones.

Perhaps its a silly thing, to be this upset over a site design. But I am a Gemini here. I like change. If nothing more than being able to change the layout on a daily basis..Different layouts for different moods sort or thing. It was nice. I liked it.

And i liked it a lot more than some other sites that I felt like were overexposure. I would have a hard time finding out exactly who I was. You have to do a little more digging with this site.

I used to justify my reasons for staying, I have several things written there. I have written every day, for the past years. Things I havent shared with people are on there. Erasing it would be like erasing my life in a lot more ways than I want to admit. But at the same time, I am no longer a teenager. The site geared to young adults and adolescents. Doesn't quite fit with my vibe anymore.

So its a sad thing to think, but i do believe my days with kiwi are coming to an end. But I no longer feel like with the new site that is sure to be coming, there is any specific reason to stay. There is no strong desire to stay like there once was.

The breakup is inevitable.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Saturday, October 3, 2009

So its that time of year again. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping. And here at the Mattice household, excitement is building. Tonight begins the first of forty one home games of the 2009-2010 hockey season. As it has been for the pat several fall's now, I will be making my way down to the Verizon center to catch the home opener. But this year brings something different. A certain sort of buzz around the area about the team.

Not only are we the winning team of the area, but there is a very good chance that this could be our year. The year that we go all the way and take Lord Stanley. I can't remember a year when there was more of a buzz around the caps than the skins. And yet that is exactly what it is this year.

Let's just hope that this year is just as good as they predict. And the Caps can live up to all their hype.

Bring on Hockey season people

Friday, October 2, 2009

yesterday i couldnt believe it was already october.

today marks the 90 days left in the year mark. which is more unreal here. the fact that its october or the fact in 90 days from now we will be writing 2010 on everything.

you be the judge.


or perhaps what is the scariest thing to think of is the fact that today is october the 2nd, meaning my little logan is now 8 months old.

i know i need to update some pictures. i should do that this very weekend. i have a bunch on the camera i just need to upload. we took some professional ones two weeks ago, but they never sent us the link to them, after calling four times. so i dont know what we are going to do. maybe go to picture people themselves and find out whats going on. not that we didnt buy some copies but the link to buy some extra ones would be nice.
but yeah. he is 8 months. and growing like a weed.

this past months accomplishments are as follows:

1. 'talking' a lot more. every now and then the word dad or ma ma comes out. we dont know if this accident or not.
2. scooting, not to be confused with crawling but he is so close to it.
3. he has two bottom teeth now. which andy has verified more times than not. hey he was the one to stick the finger in his mouth on purpose.
4. he is laughing, and just overall more observant than anything.
and lets not forget...
5. he has discovered he has a pee pee.
and he enjoys it.'






my mom thinks this is hilarious, always saying i dont remember my other grandsons playing with it. i on the other hand remind her i took a psychology class a couple of semesters ago and remember learning about baby stages. self discovery is totally part of it. and natural. so i am not worried one bit....

and hey i was just elated i remembered something.

speaking of classes. financing wasnt actually bad last night. it was learning how to balance a check book. considering i do it still and did it as a kid. i know how to do it. so yeah for me. i also managed to turn in my homework only to find out that it was for a competition grade so yeah...as is the assessment that i did.

which is a good thing because he handed back the quizzes...and yeah. i got a 53 on it. the good news is, its only out of 80 now, and since i was there the entire class he added another three points. so i got a 56 out of 80, bringing my score to a 70. which is a C in his book. added to it, i get to correct it and tell him why i missed the ones i did. for some bonus points.

believe me i will gladly take it.

at this point i will take anything i can get to help me on. it may not be the greatest grade i will ever receive. but damn it it will probably be the hardest earned!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

welcome to october!

man i cant believe we are already here. the beginning of another month, two months shy of it being the end of another year. really where does the time go anymore?

and it has dropped majorly temperature wise. i wrapped myself up in a coat and stood outside waiting for the train to get me i was just like ooo crap. what happened to summer. wasnt it just last week?

it reminding me i need to pull out my sweaters and forgo my t shirts for another six months. while i love sweaters and all the thought of it getting into the sort of cold nasty weather i dread. isnt such a lovely happy thought to me.

but i do love october. its probably one of my favorite months of the year. the colors, the smells. the holidays. everything. its just gorgeous. and ah...

not to mention it indicates my halfway through another sememster point. and really who wouldn't like that thought?

and today, brings another thing. the beginning of hockey season. which means i am officially a hockey widow. until june. i joke about this. its not that bad at times but at other times i just want to see my husband. though now i have logan and i will be able to spend all that time with him....

just me and my guy.

it being opening night, we are away. up in boston, ill have to see if andy can keep me posted on the score throughout class.

i would have skipped if i didn't have homework to turn in...that and if i wasn't so damn lost in the subject.

i really dont have a lot to talk about today.
can we tell.

i managed to finish my homework. i got an email from the professor who told me the answers where posted. so i checked. i didnt do to bad actually, a few i missed so i corrected and all. and am good to go. now watch, he won't even for it to be turned it. i mean we are adults after all, and its just so typical....

but i did it.
without any help.

thank you very much.

im tired. logan got us up again last night. and while andy went to change him, i went to make a bottle, when he came down i asked if he needed anything and he said, yes. more sleep. i volunteered to take logan at that point. he said no. its ok.

so i went back up. but i am sure he is going to bitch about it tonight how tired he is and blah blah blah. but you know i didnt have to offer at all. but thats just typical of him.

i am sure you think i dont love him. but believe me i do. i count myself lucky i have met such a man, who would be willing to do most anything to make me happy, including talking about leaving his job in order to find a better paying one. he know i would love to stay home with logan and all. he knows i would love to work closer to home. so he would if i asked him to even though i won't have this, if thats what it came to he would.

so yes i am really fortunate.

now if only i could be as fortunate and win the lottery.

it may not solve all problems, but it would at least help..

Monday, September 28, 2009

so monday is not even gone yet.

and i am already ready for the weekend.

is it here yet?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

we didn't take logan to the doctors. we got him from my mom, andy being a typical male said we should just keep an eye on him and see how he is doing. so aleisha put away her little worrying self and said fine. even when he was coughing and couldn't breath, and andy was sucking his brains out in one of those green nose sucker thingabobs they give you at the hospital. i just let him do it. because he kept insisting he was fine. and the only thing he said was if it was to make me feel better to go ahead and call.

which so was not the point of the whole thing.

i think he thinks logan will always be feeling well. he thinks that he will never get sick and will never have to be taken. at least that is the feeling i get because whenever i feel like we should take him, he is always like well...and i asked last night about taking his temp and he just just said, well it would be through his butt and i dont think he would like that at all. so we didnt. because apparently i am to much of a worrier.

he did sleep through the night. and even if he is a bit congested, it wasnt enough to go for now. so lets hope....

i could take a nap.

the next several days look to be a busy one in the aleisha household. andy has a game tonight, so i am with logan. tomorrow i have class so he is with daddy. friday is free saturday, andy is working the caps convention and has be there by 7:30 am and won't get out til probably ten at night. and on sunday he has another hockey game. meanwhile i have a quiz tomorrow and a paper due on monday. which shouldnt be to hard considering its only a two to three at max page paper. easy. or so i say. hoping to get to it tonight while andy is at the preseason game. if not over the weekend while he is at the games and the convention.

after all tonight is so you think you can dance and glee...
and i will be home by myself with my son who will probably and should be in bed by that point in the evening.

so much for being married huh?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

so my first official quiz of the semester is down. not quite sure how i did. we actually challenged an answer or two because of the way it was worded. she apparently said she may take off one or two which will be good. not to mention once again that she drops the lowest of the four quizzes. so that is good. because i think we are all going to need that one.

mom called. because andy had a hockey game last night, and i had class she took logan over night. anyway. she said he has been coughing and is congetisted and all. and he won't let anyone go near his right ear. not a good sign. she said he just keeps screaming his head off. so i am thinking we just may be dealing with the first case of sickness he has had since he was born.

at seven and a half months. that truly isn't to terrible. not at all. i just hope my little man feels better.

i think we are going to call the doctor as soon as we get in, hoping to get him in either tonight or at the least tomorrow morning. but tonight would be better for sure. i hear those things, ear infections that is, if in fact it is one, are nasty to deal with. and the longer that it goes on. the harder it is. so i am hoping we can get in and all and get it taken care of as soon as possible.

of course i am hoping its not and he just doesnt like anyone messing with his ears.

i already told andy about it. since he has a game tomorrow i would need to stay home but i have class on thursday and he doesnt have anything so maybe if need be he can stay home on thursday or something. i dont know. this is of course if in fact he is sick. andy said we should wait it til tomorrow, but he wasn't feeling good on sunday night. at least i didn't think so. and i had told him this. but whatever.

i just dont want him feeling bad. getting worse. turning into something that will cause permanent damage in the end. and yes i know i am paranoid. but its my first child, and all so i think i am allowed to be. i mean i dont know what goes on.

other than that my day has been uneventful for the most part. though it seems i have been on the phone for the majority of it all. working out some issues for a new hr with our HR department and stuff like that. i say it as though its no big deal. when in fact i was on the phone with them for the better part of an hour with the whole I-9 mess. not a fun thing at all. and of course i usually don't get any calls during the day, when i do. it floods. i think i had five people call all the same time. and i couldn't hang up so they left messages. most of them were thankfully my mom and andy. so it wasn't any big deal. still an hour on the phone with an hr rep is no fun at all.

and on this, the first day of fall. it is kind of gloomy and overcast making it a pefect segway into a new season!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Its the last official day of summer..the thought bums me out.

Majorly.

You have no idea how much so.

Friday, September 18, 2009

So, maybe I won't be getting and A. But as I sat there, going over problems with the professor before class last night I figured a way to pass the class.

Kindness.

And a lot of hardwork. I admit it, I know what to do. Go to him with help, be there. Sit through the long classes and all. Because if I can't necassarily understand the material all the way I can at least show him I am making an effort.

And hey it is working thus far.

I sat up in his office for a good hour long session last night, two other girls eventually joined asking questions and all. Right up til the very minute that our class was to begin. And when I asked him if I could be a few minutes late to grab my good old Dr. Pepper-because I can't survive a three hour financing class or any class for that matter without it.- He said sure no problem take your time. He then gave me money and asked if I could grab him a Red Bull.

I of course walked in, walked to the front of the lecture hall and handed him one. The look on the kids faces said it all. Teachers pet.

Maybe so.

But if it helps me pass. I am all for it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

so its now the middle of september. logan is seven months old, hockey season is just about to start back up and i am once again back in school. things are moving a long for us. i will admit it isnt easy. there are several moments throughout the day when i worry about being everything to everyone. there are moments when i want to cry, because i am trying to figure out financing a class i dread just about every week. because i am once again on my two hour commute and hate it. wishing i could spend more time with logan. who i feel is growing up before my eyes. moments when i know hockey season is around the corner. the first game is just about two weeks away. and i know that before i know it, andy will be at work during the nights. and i am trying to figure out how i am going to do it all. and still sleep at night.

no i didnt think it was going to be easy. i get it. but there are times when i dont think i thought it was going to be this hard either. i cant lie. it is extremely hard. to do it all. but somehow i am managing. and i am hoping that the reward will be greater in the end.

at least i can hope cant i.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things are slowly getting better.
Not great.
But we are all hanging in there.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

so how am i doing?

that depends on the moment. sometimes i am quiet, and sad. and then there are times when things are actually normal. and tomorrow is just another day. and everything is fine. but i expect this.

i think the entire family is this way. but we are working through things and while this weekend, may be a very sad moment. at the same time. well its going to be great seeing family, and friends that we haven't seen in awhile.

which is sad. there comes a time when family gatherings are only confined to the weddings and funerals.

and thats it.

Monday, August 17, 2009

i am not normal right now. i am sad and just feel almost. lost. i dont know why, and in a lot of ways i can't fully explain everything or anything really. but i can try.

i start school in two weeks. and while i usually dont mind going to school. i find the mere thought of it right now drains me, scares me and just does not thrill me. but i also know that i need to get it done. i am determined to finish and see it through. because damn it i have put to much time and effort to just give up on it like that. i keep reminding myself that i have maybe two years left. hopefully anyway. and i can do it. i can hold on just long enough to see myself through it. and its ok if i dont like it right now. i have to remind myself that i haven't been back since december of 08' before logan was born. and i am different now. but i also have to say, that usually when i get in the swing of things, it gets better its just the thought that isn't to exciting. and thats ok.

i have talked to andy about it and he said if i dont want to go, then don't. to stop going. thats all he said.

and then there is work. i like it. but i dont love it. i see my son growing up, and i wish i could be there more for him. to raise him the way i want to and not have to hand him over to others to do so for me. not saying my mom isn't doing a great job for she is. but i just wish at times i could do it.

spoke to andy about this as well. he said, then get a new job. just like that but without a bachelors which i am working on, there isn't to much for me. believe me i tried when the whole fiasco thing was going on over in chantilly and all. it took me how long before this one came up? and do i really need that sort of pressure right now on top everything?

he doesn't understand this. but i do. so it sort of goes hand in hand in a way.

and then there is the fact that i still don't entirely know what i want to do once i graduate....

whats wrong with me?

i was so happy on vacation. i loved it. and all. but i have had a lot happen since returning.

and i will admit these heavy thoughts probably steam from the fact my grandmother has passed, and i am not supposed to be all bubbly and happy. and when i am sad i tend to think heavy deep thoughts.

but i should try to remind myself.

this to shall pass...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

i shall make this brief and short. for this has been a rather shitty week and it continues to get even more so.

i got the call this morning that we have all been waiting for, for months now. the call to let me know that my grandmother. Ms. Emily Hart Zikowitz had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.she had broken her hip earlier in the week and had been in the nursing home ever since, on morphine. she went quietly and painlessly in her sleep. she did not pass from cancer, sudden sickness or anything morbid. but rather, old age.

we should all be so lucky.

she is in the heavens now among her family she loved so much.

and even though we all knew it was coming, we are all still much saddened by the loss of our loved one. as any would be.

this will have to do for an entry for i am in no mood to write.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The flu has hit our household. It started with Andy on Monday night. We thought it was just food poisoning since it hit him not a half hour after we had dinner, but when I was doing the same thing we knew it wasn't the food poisoning we thought. Both of us are on the mend, Andy returned to work today and I am sleeping off most of what I had in hopes to return to normal tomorrow.

But let me just say.

It sucks.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Logan had his 6 month check up this morning...

He is:

17.5 Ibs and in the 42% tile
29 Inches long in the 90% tile.

Another words we have a bean pole for a child. Everything else is looking really good. We are starting to feed him more baby food and less formula, our wallets will thank us for this...formula is majorly expensive.

He is also so close to crawling it is scary..

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Vacation was wonderful...I think Andy and I are one of the few that can say a week in Disneyworld is actually quite relaxing to us. Yet it is, though a week away from our little boy was harder than both of us could imagine. And while it was a great week filled with wonderful food, and a lot of fun. There was something to be said about coming back and seeing my little Logan smiling at us.

And now, sadly. Its back to work I go tomorrow...A thought that makes me, well quite depressed if you want to know the truth.

But on a brighter note.

Only 190 days and I will return to my happy place once more.

And this time I will be bringing the little one along.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

We began feeding Logan something other than formula, which he has been living on for the past five and a half months. We figured we would start pretty basic. With applesauce. I mean seriously, you can't go wrong with the stuff. He seems to enjoy it enough, though doesn't quite get the whole spoon in mouth, open up and chew/swallow. I am assuming this will come in time.

Though personally I have to say, there is nothing cuter than a child with applesauce all over his face...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So this is the week. The week at which I have been counting down since the birth of Logan. Now I know what your thinking, the birth of my first son was exciting. I was in love with everything. But then I went back to work, and life began once again into its slow pace. I get up. I hand over my son to my mom/daycare. I get on the metro for an hour and a half ride at least. I go to work where I sit for eight hours only to repeat the process, wait for my husband and then get home in enough time to see Logan for an hour before he is conked out and then its right back to the same thing.

And it just, it begins to drain me.

I am not one of those people that can just work, work work without so much as a vacation. I mean I think I used to be. But now, lately. Man I know I am in need of one. I am just drained anymore. Emotionally, physically. Everything. And if I don't get a break in me sometime soon then I will break.

I know it.

And for several months I have been pushing myself to get to this week, the week where I get to go on vacation, in 3 days to be exact.

Still, it's three days to long.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I have a fascination with my teeth. I have had it pretty much since I was a kid. I always loved brushing and the feel of a clean mouth. My sister's to this day believe I am strange.

It went a step farther when I went to through the braces, expander stage. This lasted a good six years of my life. Yes, you heard me right I endured six long years of no gum, no candy no nothing. I know I probably didn't exactly need to follow every little ounce of their instructions. But for me, it was this or jaw surgery. And I suppose at sixteen, that wasn't an option I really wanted.

So giving up on sweets, seemed to be a better option.

Anyway.

I also prided myself on never having a cavity, never having anything majorly wrong. And you can imagine my disappointment when I went to the dentist two months ago to find out I was having a root canal done.

OK i thought. that isn't horrible. id just go in there, and have them get it taken care of.

four appointments later, and i have yet to get it done. seriously.

my pride has been deflated.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

so happy 1st daddys day to my dear husband.
who is a wonderful husband
and an even better dad!

Friday, June 19, 2009

once again we have weathered another week my friends!

so Happy Friday though i for one can't say it has been the most pleasant of fridays out there. i woke up this morning. at 3:30 am! yeah not cool. i had to go pee. not unusual. and then once again i began recognizing the signs. the burning. the pain. the oh shit is this what i think it is.

anyone that knows me, knows i am prone to UTI's. i have had them since i was a kid. they get into the kidneys if your not careful. for a good chunk of time there, i was getting them every 3-4 months. yeah no fun. believe me i have gone to doctors about this....

so i know the signs fairly well. this is also a reason i have trouble with birth control...

so needless to say i have been drinking water up the wadzo. even more than normal. by lunch, i had already had nine glasses. thankfully for me, i think it was just a false alarm. or at least i am hoping it was, because right now i feel pretty good.

finally managed to make it over to the house last night. my mom called me up yesterday at work and asked if she could watch logan for us over night. for real no reason. i said yes. feeling a little guilty that i was so happy she did- and it turned out for the better since the whole bladder thing- anyway. we went over there. his parents were still there doing thing. but thus far. it looks really good. i am really happy with the way things are turning out. though a little worried to. that nothing is going to get done in time and that it won't look nice. but i am silly for thinking this.for i already am seeing the vast improvement since last weekend.

i think burgandy and my mom are going to be helping paint the guest room, which will be nice not that we couldn't but i am one of these people-and i admit it- that once something is started i want it finished. just done and over with. so i really want the paint to be. plus did i mention i have a lavender bathroom in my master. yeah it matched the purple just fine. but the sage green that is now in it?

not so much.

my dad is going to be working on the gutter because according to andys father, it needs to be totally replaced. my dad said he would check it out and see whats going on. but he didn't think so....don't know who i would believe the business man or the electrician.im just taking a wild guess and going with the electrician. but then again he is my dad....and i am my fathers daughter. so we will see. he should be on his way over. he is also installing a mirror and working on the bathroom again. so that is good....

i will say, while i love my in-laws. i am ready for a break from them...i have had as much as i can take...


but things are coming along.
and we still have a week before we actually move.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Andy happened to jump on the local police department's website this evening to discover something unnerving.

a registered sex offender.

living right below us.

i made sure to lock the doors as soon as i heard.

i know they are out there all the time. i am not stupid to know that they don't exist. but i never thought, naively mind you. that someone right below me would be one. its a scary thought. a scary thing. especially knowing that it was for molesting a five year old. and to think randin was out there this evening saying that no one was going to grab him.

it dif, made me think twice.

he did check to see about our new neighborhood.

it came out clear...

Monday, June 15, 2009

You know, I am really beginning to hate HATE Monday's.....
I'm really thinking if we erase Mondays, it would make things that much more easier!

I am sure thousands would agree with me.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I sucked my thumb until I was seven. In school, during dance class, at friends houses. Practically anywhere I went, my thumb was permanently in my mouth. My parents hated it. I can't tell you the number of times they told me my thumb was going to one day, up and fall off my hand because of it. Of course I loved it. Psychologist would call it my oral fixation. I simply call it my comfort.

I stopped on a dare. Or rather a bet from my grandmother who promised me a stuffed Miss Piggy doll if I stopped sucking my thumb. In return she would give up smoking. At seven I fully believed she would be true to her word and stop. Like it was that easy. Somehow my desire for Ms. Piggy beat out my desire for the thumb and I broke free of the addiction that for so long had been my comfort.

Funny, I have not one clue what happened to that doll. I am sure she is stuffed in a black garbage back somewhere in the back of my parents attic being totally ignored.

My thumb on the other hand is still fully attached.

So now Logan has begun his fascination with his fingers. And this evening while over at my parents, he stuck his finger in his mouth-ironically his left-and began sucking away...

I am already on the hunt for a doll. Though I am thinking Kermit over Ms. Piggy..

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Buying a house is great. What isn't, is all the little things that come a long with it. Seems as though, every where we turn there is something new to fix. First it was the appliances. And now, well now we are discovering the amount of mold that has been hidden beneath the walls of the basements bathroom. Andy and the gang have gone ahead and ripped out most of it. I suppose tomorrow will be yet another trip to home depot were we will sink (no pun intended) into the house. But I keep reminding myself that after. When all is said and done, and we have moved in. We will have one amazing house. And all the hard work will be for something....

Friday, June 12, 2009

So after all that waiting and sitting around.

We are finally proud new homeowners....

Let the demolishing begin.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

well we thought we were going to close. turns out, the selling bank hadn't gotten all the paperwork done in time. which means our closing has been pushed back til tomorrow morning. so it looks like a four day weekend for me. well somewhat i have actually been doing a lot of work from home.since i had planned on closing today i made sure i had things to do at home today. as always i seem to get more done here than i do at work. of course i don't think i brought enough home to get me through tomorrow. but i still have gotten a lot done today...a lot.

amazing huh.

of course we are a bit bummed. you could even say we were pissed earlier about this. because it isn't like they didn't know this date was coming. after all, we have known since the beginning of may, and today was the day that the bank chose. not us. but oh well. its all good. hopefully tomorrow they will have the act together and we can officially close and get started on things.

but believe me, andy and i were both just really really pissed. especially since i did take the time to work from home and and all. i mean its not that i dont enjoy working from home. i just try not to abuse it. i know they let me do it and all. but its truly a work at home when you need to and don't make it a habit if you can help it.

so yeah.

besides work work, i have packed another five boxes. crazy if you think about the fact that we live in a two bedroom apartment. seriously i can only imagine moving if you have a thousand rooms and what not. no, i don't want to think about it. this is a lot of work in itself.

so yeah. we are as i try to remind myself, getting there. we are five boxes closer to finishing up. though in truth it doesn't feel like its a great big feet. after all. we still have so much to do....and then comes the unpacking and the cleaning of the other place.

joy.

at least it is a somewhat nice day. sure the clouds stroll by every now and then but its not to terribly hot, and we have the windows open and the birds are finally singing their beautiful songs so i really can't complain to much.

besides..an accidental three day weekend is always welcomed.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

we all have those days. when you wake up, get dressed. and you feel like you look really good. you are pleased with your results. and you just you feel really good about yourself.and you know its just going to be a kick ass day for reasons you can't fully explain.

yeah. today is not that sort of day.

its not that i feel like its not a great day.
its just.

well.

today i just feel blah. i looked in the mirror after getting to work and was like what the hell am i wearing? its not that i dont match. its just i dont like what i put together.

just thought i would say this.

i feel better already.

so last night. we did our final walk through. we, being my dad, andy his father and his uncle. all looked right, and in place not that i didn't expect it to be but still. funny thing was, they all arrived before andy and i did. so they were already there, looking around all. in a way, it was kind of like umm this is our house and they didn't even bother letting us be the ones to enter and show it off.

but we went in and met the new real estate guy, who i actually went to school with his wife. so that is a bit strange in a weird cool kind of way. he wasn't as rude or dislikeable as we thought he was going to be. so that was good. he actually seems to be a pretty cool guy. though we are sad that our lady (alicia) isn't going to be around for the final things. closing and all. because we've only been working with her since march so it would be nice. but under the circumstances. well i can totally understand. word is she is still in the hospital and she will be for a very long time. dif. until she delivers the baby probably. which isn't officially due til august. so yeah.

the general thought is that they really liked it. they thought we did good and that its a great starter place for us. my dad was just so happy and proud you could hear it and see it all over his face. it was such a great feeling. not that i doubted they wouldn't like it but still affirmation is always great.

closing is now twenty four hours away...
weird.

but really really really

exciting!

Monday, June 8, 2009

i hate mondays....

we were supposed to have our walk through yesterday. our final walk through of the house should i say. but on friday night, our real estate lady went into labor. two and a half months early just about. so obviously, the walk through didn't happen. we were hooked up with another real estate agent, who said he had to attend a family bbq. and don't you know he just couldn't get out of it. so he wanted to do it a half hour before we close on thursday. yeah that ain't going to happen. he said it should only take fifteen minutes. if that is the case why couldn't he spare fifteen minutes out of his day yesterday? just my thought.

so yeah. we aren't to thrilled about that one. thankfully, we agreed to meet him tomorrow night after both andy and i got off of work. andy had apparently invited his dad, and his uncle and his brother and nephews a long for sunday. which was totally new to me until his father called about it. actually i got upset because i didn't see the need for all of them to come along. and i thought they had invited themselves, which i thought was even ruder. turns out my husband had invited them. now ok. so i understand my father in law coming. after all, he is helping with the downpayment and all. i get that. i know and don't mind him coming at all. but do we really need his uncle and bro and our two nephews along. when we get the house and keys and he can show it to them come next weekend?

seriously?

and maybe i wouldn't have minded if it wasn't for the fact he didn't even care to bring this up to me first. maybe that is my issue.

so after the whole fiasco of the little lack of communication i get on to metro, take a seat after standing for awhile. only to feel a cold wet spot on my pants.....my drink had decided to spill all over my purse, into half the stuff and onto my pants.

and then i have the most annoying transfer into our organization that i am dealing with. who has proceeded to tell me that we have done everything wrong, that i am only an admin and nothing more, that i have mispronounced a name, when in fact i hadn't, she just didn't know there was an ivory and an iris. yeah. welcome to the group. its nice to have you hear as well. i am so looking forward to working with you.

and to top it all off...
my lovely aunt has decided to come knocking on my door.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

a year ago this evening, i promptly went into the bathroom, peed on a stick and got a positive test result.

logan alexander was on his way to this earth.

my how things can change within a year isn't it?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

heres the deal.

i enjoyed maternity leave. i truly did. i enjoyed being home with just my son, spending time and bonding. i smiled and agreed when people said isn't it amazing how much he has changed since he was born. and i guess i saw it. or maybe i didn't. after all, i saw him every day so the change was gradual. and while i loved it. in truth, it hasn't been until recently that i have really enjoyed it.

because we are now in the curiosity, and development stage. he now rolls over, he now looks at you and instead of wondering you know he is looking at you and actually sees you. he smiles at you. he cries for you. its all so magical.

and last night..

so there we were in the middle of target, in the entertainment aisle. we were in between the kiddie movies and the start of the book section. we were deciding whether we should buy classic movies now or wait. i looked at logan and said. 'it just means more stuff to pack.' in my best little kid voice. and he looked back at me and...

laughed

he actually laughed. and this is the first time he has done so. i stood in there, amongst the shoppers, my husband and the workers repeating the sentence over and over while logan just laughed and laughed. it was the greatest sound in the world....i didnt care if i looked absolutely absurd. i wanted to turn to anyone and everyone and tell them...but then i knew i wasn't the only who's child laughed for the first time. and while they may have smiled and said great. they wouldn't have cared.

so i just looked at andy and smiled..jumping up in down in pure giddiness. thinking that this stage thus far. is by far my favorite.

Friday, June 5, 2009

so im going to ramble about a book today. because i feel like it. because it was that great of a book it deserves it own rant. so here it goes.

ever read a book that just blows you away. the kind of book that you sit there, not able to put down. and in the end you want more.

so the book: firefly lane

now i must admit i wasn't to excited to read this in the beginning. mainly because my mother in law lent it to me to read. and well, there have been a few books that just haven't impressed me what so ever that she has given me. so i was a little iffy....but i did. mainly because we had already packed half of my books away and i needed something to read.

so i picked it up.

and from the moment i started. i had a funny feeling that it was going to lay an impact on me. though i didnt know exactly what.

the story expands over four decades, and follows two best friends through them. i could really see it. i sat there reading thinking, oh i have felt this way about so and so...we all have friends like this. i felt the characters. it has been a long time since i could say that....

tully was frustrating and empowering at the same time. i wanted to slam her up against the head and then hug her within seconds. i dont know why. but i did. she was strong. she was pretty incredible and she thought she could do it all..

and katie is so strong in her own way. and so beautiful. and a worrywart and so much of everything and she doesn't even know it....

they were quite the pair.

it took me just under a week to go through this book. i could have gone through it in a night to be honest but in some way, i wanted to savor this book. i wanted it to make a lasting impact and there are times when you fly through books, that you dont get that from them.....

so i guess what i am saying is that if you haven't go read it. believe me. it will make you want to cry......in fact thats exactly what i did.

and once your done. you can pass it along to your best friend.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Imagine this...

this time in a week. We will be holding keys to our own place.

And we will finally be:

Home.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i survived! a little numb, a little sore but i survived.

and it isn't over yet, unfortunately. he did a lot of the work today but i have to go back to get the crown in and then after that, for a cleaning and a check up. he said there looked to be another tooth but he couldn't tell if that was just a shadow or what.

great.

twenty nine years and it all falls to shit in a month. he said he wished i would of called earlier. and i wanted to remind him that i called for three weeks straight before i got a call back. of course he didn't know i was looking for him. and i didn't know he was having back surgery and then was out for some time.

so yeah.

but i did seriously try to call and get in for awhile there. oh well. anyway. moving on. its done and over with.

the greatest thing about the entire experience-if thats what you want to call it.-was the waiting in between when i sat there in the chair. and read. i got through 40 pages in between all of the dental work that needed to be done. and that was maybe a fifteen minute break to go see another patient or something while the Novocain kicked in. yeah they came back and were pretty impressed with it.

still unsure about tomorrow he said i would be pretty sore for the next day or so. more so tomorrow. when i talked to andy today he said 'well your going to take tomorrow off' and the way he said it was like umm ok. and then he added. 'well just the way you are talking, your taking it off.' and i got confused cus he didn't sound to thrilled about me taking tomorrow off. but just last weekend he was like you should take off. and blah blah blah.

so now i am thoroughly confused. and will just play it by ear. again see how i feel. i could always work from home. or what not.

but yeah. i am so thrilled that its done and over with. at least for now anyway. ask me again in two weeks when i have to go back and it may be a different story.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

i am a very nervous person this evening. you may ask why? well because i am going in for a root canal tomorrow afternoon. and while to many, it may seem like a simple thing, ok so a root canal isn't so simple. the thing is, i have never before even had a cavity. sure i spent the majority of my late childhood and the entire teenage years trapped behind metal, but i am proud to say that i have not had a cavity what so ever. so going straight from zero to a root canal is pretty impressive actually. hey i figured may as well shoot for the big time if you are going to go all the way right?

i am sure it will be fine. a little swollen, a little sore but i am sure that in the end my smile will once again be on my face. and believe me that is a rare thing for me to say these days. and your talking to someone that absolutely loves to smile....

i just want my teeth, and my smile back.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Logan had his four month checkup today. All went well. The doctor seemed to be pleased with his progress, though he seems to be a little underweight. Which is sort of funny because everyone is telling me that he seems to be a big baby. So when Andy told me this, I was just sort of shocked. But she also said not to be to alarmed by this yet. It will be more of a concern when he finally begins eating solids, though that is still a little far off, crawling and walking shouldn't be since he is already kicking and rolling over and all. She said by the time, he has his next appointment at six months, he will more in likely be crawling.

My little boy, is growing up.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

tomorrow begins the month of June. Meaning we are halfway through the year.

Yea. This scares me to.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

i'm heading to my cousin's college graduation cookout this afternoon. this is a very strange feeling.

why?

because she is the last of us to graduate. no longer can i say i have anyone in the family that is still in school. we are all now officially adults.

when did this happen?

not that it matters, because i knew eventually we would all grow up. but as long as there was one of us in school, well we could say we were kids. we could still say we were young enough to not know any better. and now, well now we no longer have that excuse.

so now we are all adults. and my baby cousin is planning on moving to new york city to per sue a career in theatre. no longer will any of be sporting the i hate my roomie discussions. no longer will any of be talking about the good old partying days with frats and keggers.

instead we will be talking about families, and love. about careers and failures. our fall breaks and summer vacations are things of the past. replaced in stead with interviews and the two week vacations most of us get.

you know thinking about it.
i really don't think any of us will miss those days.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Yesterday, I was saying I had no idea what I was going to do. It's still true this evening. However, as I saved a crisis from happening this afternoon in the office it occurred to me. So maybe I don't exactly know what it is I really want to be doing. And maybe I haven't truly found the right fit.

But for the moment.
What I am doing.
Is enough

Thursday, May 28, 2009

What do you want to be when you grow up?

As a child this was probably the easiest question ever. We would get asked, and swiftly answer, doctor, teacher, singer, policeman, a princess, famous. If your like my husband your dreams went beyond anything living instead geared to mechanical things. Like the red fire engine. You could dream big like that and not get laughed at. People around you would support you, love you and tell you you could be whatever you wanted to be. That the world was yours for the taking. You worked your ass off for years, knowing that, that one goal would someday be reached.

And you had time to dream.

But I often wonder what of those that didn't exactly know what we wanted to be? Those of us that were told years ago that it's alright we had time to figure things out. We would find out who were and then we would know. It would just fall into place. Things had a funny way or working out that sort of way.

But what if it doesn't?

I bring this up because it was time for my annual review at work. I sat there in the office as my boss ran through the accomplishments, the improvements and the plan for the upcoming year. he turns to me and says:

What do you plan on doing?

I looked back at him. I had no answer. I have spent my entire twenties trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to do, all the while working in the administrative areas. Its not that I hadn't tried its just, well I just don't know. I haven't had the ambition to do one specific thing. I haven't longed to be something since I was a kid. I've focused on trying to get myself a degree so much that I have neglected discovering what I want to do.

Who I am.

Which leads me back to the question: What do I want to be when I grow up.

The question still has no answer.

For now.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

3rd Anniversary.

Its Andy's and mine three year anniversary today.

Amazingly.

When I think about the past years, I have a hard time believing what the past three years have brought on. It has been a ride that has had its ups, the birth of Logan, buying our first house, becoming a family and loving one another. But it has also been a rough one. Andy lied twice about smoking, which is probably been the hardest. I try not to dwell on the negatives because thus far, the positives far outway them. And if I took the time and effort to only dwell on the negative I am afraid I would not be one happy camper.

Not to mention depressed.

But three years. Man, where has the time gone? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was standing in the bridal room waiting for my dad to come and get me. Weren't we just on our honeymoon? There is no way that we could be married for this long yet.

Seriously.

I hate to think how fast the next three are going to go.

But I welcome the ride!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

In the past two days, I have come to admire the single parents much more than once had. Andy has come down with a cold/flu in the past forty eight hours. Leaving me to find for myself, and Logan. Not to mention Andy. He of course isn't as hard to take care of as my four month old son. But when a man is sick, I have found they often act as though they are children.

Then again, don't we all.

So since yesterday I have done some packing, cooked dinner made sure Logan has been feed, changed and put into bed. Taken care of Andy, gotten myself ready for work and put in eight hours before calling it a day.

While I have only been doing this for twenty four hours or so. I am already exhausted and I don't know how people, those that have kids and do it all on their own do this on a daily basis. After all, I am only one person with one hand and I am already going insane.

It's not so much the work but the whole doing it on one's own. And taking care of yourself on top of things.

Like I said, I appreciate the importance of a single parent. May you all be stronger than you look.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Its amazing. The amount of crap we accumulate over the years. Since finding out that we got the house, I have been dreading it. It's not the move I don't want to do. For I am looking forward to getting in, setting up. Knowing that it is going to be ours. We can paint, decorate and do whatever the hell we want. But what. So no its not that. Its the whole packing and getting rid of the shit that we have gained over the four years of apartment living.

We have taken this long Memorial Day weekend to start. Considering our closing day is June 11th, and we get the keys that day, and we have to be out of the apartments by June 30th. We need to at least start thinking about it. So we started.

I have taken five bags of clothes out, and five bags of trash. And yet I look around and there is still there to my utter amazement crap that needs to be determined if it goes or stays. And while I know we are getting somewhere, at the same time I feel as though we have made more of a mess than we have anything else. Andy assures me that in fact we are getting somewhere. That the place will be a lot cleaner and before we know it, we will see the results for our efforts. Not to forget that we have an almost four month old so that makes everything take that much longer....

One must remember this next time she moves.

Though I have no desire to think about the process again anytime soon.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

our past has a way of coming back and haunting us. relationships come back to haunt us. ones have had, ones we never had and ones that we wish we had. sitting there, at brandon's house this afternoon it dawned on me how much we had grown up. ten years i have known him. for ten years i had always wondered, was there something there. was there more that could have been.

it has been a forever question in my mind.

dont ask me what it is, for i am not even sure i can explain it myself. after all, its not like i havent met guys that are just as good as he is. and he isnt the only guy i have had the hots for.

believe me. there is just something about him that always drew me to him.

dont get me wrong. i am totally in love with my husband. he is my best friend. i love him with all of my heart. but with brandon, and i am willing to admit it all now, he was truly my first love. a love that actually never happened. for it never went anywhere other than the whole what if question.

lord for awhile there i think i was so damn hurt that he didnt actually ask me out. that he couldnt see i really liked him. that i wanted there to be more. and when it was, the timing was off. and then i finally gave up and met andy and that was that.

i hated him so much for awhile there that i couldnt even stand to think about any of it. that i wanted to just run from him. at times i thought it would have been best not to have anything to do with him. for surely if i just got a way from him it would be alright.

of course it never was completely alright.i wouldnt talk to him for awhile. i avoided hanging out with him. i did anything to keep my mind off of the whole thing. but everytime, i would, it wouldnt take me long to realize i was missing him. for whatever reason it was. and so i started looking at it, as i would rather have him as a friend than not at all.


so back to today, sitting around looking at our families. he with his. me with mine. and realizing that every thing is perfect the way it was. and how i wouldnt trade andy, logan or anything i have for what may have been.

things just have a way of working out as they are supposed to i suppose.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

So I realize this is going to be a total bitch complaining entry. And probably a mute point, since for the most point there isn't going to be a whole lot I can do about any of it.

I have been on this blog site (Kiwibox) since I was nineteen. I have made entry after entry. My entire adult life, has been played out through the site. And while I know it is silly for me to be so upset about something as minor as it going down for two days, and screwing up entries, and days I have made. I am.

Why,

Because I am a writer. Maybe not by profession but I have been and kept a journal since I was in elementary school. Everything major in my life, is pretty much reported through my journals.

And in the kiwi journal I had made almost a thousand entries straight. And for it not to count two days, well its a big deal for me.

So what am I going to do. I dont know. Except bitch and complain on another blog site.

Well there isnt to much I can do.

Sociable