Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday Five -9/30


When did you get your first cell phone?                                                       

August of 2001. Two days after I got lost trying to find my way to the mall. And I was to see Janet Jackson that night in DC. I know, I laugh now thinking how on the world could a girl get lost going to the mall? But I had just gotten my license and thought I could find my way without a map, this was pre-GPS time...looking back I get a kick out of it. Considering I was able to find both grandparents houses, which are about as far off the beaten path as you can get . It was after this my parents decided maybe this whole cell phone idea wasn't such a bad idea after all...which is why I was the first one in the family to get one.

How old were you at the time?
I was 21. And yes you read this right, I had just gotten my license. No this was not a mistake, I just got it about five years after I should have...But hey, I bought my first car before I got my license so I think this deserves some kind of credit.
Wasn't this five about cell phones, and not cars?

What type of phone was it?
Nokia, they were all the rave back then. I think it was actually one of the few back then. Can't remember the model, but it was one that you could change the faceplate. I was thrilled when my mom pitched in to get me one that lights up. Oh yeah I was hip alright

What type of phone do you have now?
Samsung Fascinate? Loved it when I first got it, mainly cus I thought hey this whole smartphone thing is totally awesome. But I have replaced it once and continue to have issues with it, so come spring, I will more in likely be getting rid of it...

Do you prefer calling or texting/mailing?
I think it depends on whom it is...a classmate, dif. text, my husband, family and friends, always calling is better. Besides I could go on and on and there is only so much to space to write. And mailing, I will do for the most part.
But as do I have a favorite, umm probably not..

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Is that your final answer?

The addict in me told me to push the button. Book the tickets. I mean one more time wouldn't hurt right?

This is what every addict tells their own self. Just once more. One more hit, one more trip.

But the clean and rational me told me to think about it. And so against my better judgment, think about it is exactly what my husband and I did. Throughout the day, we planned as though we were still full speed in our long weekend away.  And we had every intention of booking. We had it all planned. Being DVC members allows us the freedom to book a room down there on our points, most of the time at the drop of the hat. Andy sat there and calculated how many points it would be, and surprise surprise it wasn't all that expensive. We could actually manage it and still have plenty of points to go next summer. So we got things together, we came up with the plan. As long as we could get the room, which my husband fully assured would probably be a non issue, we would go.

But of course we got busy, and before we knew it morning turned into early afternoon, and before we knew it, the clock was staring at three in the afternoon. And we had yet to call.  Still we weren't exactly worried. We had several times called last minute and gotten through, this time we assumed wouldn't be any different. Of course I still had doubts, still wrestling between the addict and the sensible side of me. Neither seeming to be winning...Finally my husband made the call, and I waited on the other side of the computer, going through our bank statements, our credit cards. Between planning a Germany trip in March to see some in-laws and our regular day expenses, the sensible side of me wanted to make sure everything would be taken care of. Sure it was just the airline tickets that we would need to pay for, but still.

And then, in matters of an instance, my question was answered. Which side would win...

When it came down to it, it wasn't our choice in the matter. With the answer of no rooms avaliable for the time, we got our answer.

We would not be going.

The sensible side of me won.

And while, my wallet would thank me...The addict would not.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Just like a Pill

I swear the place is like a drug. My drug.

I don't always know how they do it, but somehow they manage to put this spell over you. It's as if you can't stay away for long. OK, I can't stay away for long.

Andy and I had discussed this about a month ago. A short trip down there, for the weekend during Labor day. We plotted, looked up and toyed so heavily with the idea that we just about went ahead and booked. But of course things happen. And our plans never planned out. We put aside what we wanted to do for something, though I can't exactly remember what it was. I am sure we had good reasoning.

Money probably, it is always about money.

So here we are a month later. And what should appear in his inbox, a deal, on airfare. One that he just about can't turn down. And so once again he brings up the thought of going back down, for a few days. Nothing more.

Suddenly, we are back to entertaining the whole idea. Once again I find myself looking at the prices of hotels-which to my shock, is a whole lot less thanks to our AP's.-and damn it, here we go, you mean we can go down for less than 600 dollars?? I just about fall out of my seat. I mean seriously how much more do they need to tangle that carrot in front of me.

damn you Disney....tempting so very tempting..all you need to do is just push purchase.

The adult in me is saying no, be sensible. Think of the money. Be smart, you need to save. The Holidays are around the corner. Would four days in the world really be worth it??? Think about it. Long and hard before you hit that button.

But the kid in me is screaming YES. Andy would have finished three straight weekends of games on Saturdays. Meaning three straight weekends of not seeing his family, of seeing you. And what better way to go down and enjoy time with the family? And Logan, who has practically been begging to go down since we left property back in July. Think of the excitement on his face when you tell him you are going back....

and it would be a month from today....30 days....a hell of a lot closer than your current count of 294 days to go....and for a junkie, that is just about 294 days to long...

And just like a pill, this drug and its addiction it brings. Needs to be fed every now and then

The withdraw is pretty ugly.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Like mother, like son?

To my Husband-

I should apologize.

You see last night, as Logan and I got in the car to head home I turned on the radio as I always do.  And while I would like to say it was, I know for a fact the song they were playing wasn't exactly kid friendly.  And while I may have really really loved that song, Logan is getting to the point where he is picking up words left and right-as demonstrated by his recent F-bomb episode the other night-and yes I know he has been picking up words for awhile even if mommy hasn't exactly wanted to admit it. So there the two of us where, in the car. He screaming for music, and me craving something, anything that would make him happy. XM didn't help, if I thought censored radio wasn't kid friendly, how the hell would I let him listen to that? I yanked out my Ipod, which is never far and flipped through the list of artist.

And I came across The Backstreet Boys. Well hmm..I mean mommy loves them...But this was our son, and I am pretty sure if you knew about this, you wouldn't think it was such a wonderful idea. Then again, they are kid friendly. I don't have to worry that the F-bomb is going to come out after every sentence. Besides the kid-whether you like it or not-has a thing for poppy dance music.

So I put them on, a nice mix of songs from their 8 albums they have out, not quite sure how he would react. Yes a couple of weekends ago the local radio station did a throw-back and Logan loved 'Larger than Life.' but would he still dig them? I made sure to play some of their dance tunes, though I admit I couldn't exactly whip through one or two of my favorites. I listened and peeped a couple of times as he bopped his head up and down to the music.

As we rounded the corner to our neighborhood, Logan pipes up in the background, and I have to turn the volume down to hear him, he protests. 'Who is this mommy?'

'The Backstreet boys sweetie. '

'I like the Backstreet Boys!! Does mommy?'

I have to hide a smile as I stop at the stop light, for if he only knew just how much his mommy loved the group of guys. 'Yes honey. I love the Backstreet Boys.'

'Then so do I! I love the Backstreet Boys. Turn it up please.'

And so what else could I do but grant him his little wish, and as we rounded the final corner, our home in view, your wife and your son enjoyed the final ticks to 'I want it that way....'

Neither could be happier.

So my deepest apologizes for this. I am sure this is just a phase.

If not, 15 years from now, you will have great ammo to use against him.

your wife.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Five Question Friday-9/23


1. Some friends have invited you over to watch the big game. What do you bring for the snack table?

I would be the one that would bring the healthy stuff, mainly in the form of a veggie or fruit platter...I mean you have to bring something you yourself would enjoy eating right? Well that or my other favorite, which would be pretzels. Veggies and pretzels are probably my weakness...
 2. What do you bring for a potluck lunch at work (or school)?

Turkey casserole.  Chicken is to easy, and everyone brings dessert so why not?

3. It’s a regifting party! Everyone brings some gift they never opened or used and leaves with someone else’s. What do you bring?

A couple years ago my sister got me this snuggy as a joke. While I appreciate it and love it, it still sits in the back of my closet. So next time you see me at the party, you maybe should start running unless you want a snuggy with ANGEL written all over it. And if you happen to be the one to get it, I will apologize in advance. Don't say I didn't warn you.

4. You’re going camping for a long weekend with a bunch of friends. Everybody agrees to bring one thing that others often don’t think to bring. What’s your contribution?

 Toilet paper. Believe me those leaves aren't as friendly as you think they are. And one doesn't learn to appreciate TP until you are stuck in the middle of the woods camping. I was a Girl Scout long enough to learn this first hand.

5. Road trip! The car in which you’re going to spend twenty hours with your closest friends only has a CD player. What do you bring?

So this could be a what CD would you bring-Alanis's Jagged Little Pill, which would be a great girl road trip CD. Or it could mean what would you bring to entertain yourself with. Well headphones, because after that CD about twice over you could always tune it, and any of those annoying friends of your friends that you never really liked out. A question book, there would never be an empty silent moment. And sleeping pills so you can actually sleep the entire way without being bother by those ohh so annoying friends. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I will remember you.

Just about eleven years ago I worked at this tiny thrift store around the corner from my house.

I pretty much hated it.

I hated the weird creepy guys that came in just to stare at me, they would stand behind the racks of clothing pretending to browse all the while their eyes would burn holes through me. I hated the way it smelt, of old clothes and stale cigarettes. Sometimes of death. And lets not mention the guy, an officer in the military-though which one I can't recall- who always flirted with me, he would often come in with his wife to begin with, then slowly just by himself. Using his kids as an excuse then he would not so shameful make passes at me. I babysat for them a few times, and his daughter point blank told me her mommy hated me because her daddy wanted me. Whatever that meant. They would get in these huge fights about me. But she agreed with daddy, she wanted me to be her mommy. That whole situation always brought an odd weird feeling to me.

I didn't babysit them anymore after that. Last I heard he was shipped off to Afghanistan shortly after 9/11...I always wonder what happened to him.

Yes, working there wasn't the thrill in my life. But what I did love was Sherri....Sherri who was just your all around lovely lady. Old enough to be my mom she took me under her wing. We worked together in that little shop around the corner for over a year. In that time she grew to be like a mother to me. I would often tell her things that I was scared to even admit to my own parents, and she would tell me about her family. And her son, the oldest one who always came to visit. Oh what I crush I developed on that boy. We laughed about the officer from time to time, and she was the first person to make his little 'love' for me known. Oh what laughs we had. What good times we had.  There was never a moment she was telling me I was ugly, or that my disability was an issue. She was just there for me. She made the six hours a day I worked there worth while. And when she wasn't working with me, I found my day not to be the same.

And then came the day when she told me she was moving. And not just to around the way, but rather to WV. To start a new life with her and the family. Her sons needed a change. The crush worthy boy was in a little trouble-whats that saying about falling for the bad boys?-and so it would be good for them.

My heart broke.

And in less than two weeks I said goodbye to my friend who I loved dearly. Her last words of advice were to watch out for Mr. Officer....because he told her 'if he could, he would leave his wife for me. And he wanted to have an affair with me.'

We laughed all the way out to the parking lot, she then gave me a ride home gave me a hug and drove off.

This would be the last time I would see her.

We kept in touch for awhile. Wrote and called often. But as the years flew by it became less and less. I sent her an invitation to the wedding and was bummed to get a response of no back.  Since then there hadn't been much contact. A few things here and there. Emails. But even those had stopped.

By now it was more of a passing thought I would give her every now and then. Though I always wondered and never stopped caring.

Until two days ago, when a message from her husband popped up on Facebook. Weird..her husband. Her husband, who I had met just a handful of times asks for me to call him. Oh No! Please, tell I knew right then and there what it was about. Or at least I had my suspisions. And so I waited a whole day before making that call, which confirmed my fear.

Sherri had passed, of pneumonia .

And for the second time in regards to her. My heart broke.

My world, just grew a little darker.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Friday Five 9/16

1. What was the last book you read, and what is your opinion of it?

The last book I read was House Rules by Jodi Picoult and I thought it was fabulous. It has been a long time since I truly picked up a book that  I couldn't put down, and this brought it all back. I highly recommend the book, though I do warn it will make you think a lot about things. But I find most of her books are this way.

2. What was the last movie you saw, and what is your opinion of it?

In the theatres? Pirates of the Carribean. Yes it has been that long. I don't know how I felt about it other than it wasn't what the others were. I don't know because I usually love them but this one, maybe its just getting old. Well that and I miss Elizabeth and Will. Or rather Kiera and Orlando...

3. What was the last TV show you saw, and what is your opinion of it?

Bones, last night. I just recently discovered this show and am in love with it. Of course its probably a few seasons to late. But still...what a fabulous show...

4. What was the last album you bought / downloaded, and what is your opinion of it?

Lady Antebellum's Own the Night. As for my thoughts, I have listened to it once thus far. So far so good. But you may want to ask me after a few times. I always find  it takes a few listens to really discover what you think of something....but so far, well done and a great follow up to Need You Know.

5. What was the last meal you cooked, and how did it turn out?

I am no cook, but the last home meal we cooked was this shrimp and pasta dish my husband found on a website. It was ok. It need something more, but I think other than that it was decent. Would we have it again, sure if we got it figured out.

Monday, September 12, 2011

A little Pixie Dust

So do you have what it takes to be a Disney mom's panel applicant? Oh boy do I hope so.  After  a year of waiting for the application process to once again open up, I sat at my desk this morning debating. On one hand, I have tried out for the past two years to no avail. So what would make the third any special? But of course I couldn't just not apply,  I mean it was like a kid in the candy store. I just had to. And so for the third year in a row I plopped myself down in front of the computer this morning vowing to do nothing until I finished the application. I waited I watched. I twiddled my thumb and enjoyed a cup of coco.

I felt like Cinderella waiting for for that clock to stroke midnight. And then just as the clock struck 9:00 in the morning I clicked on the link.

Just like last year I couldn't remember half the questions from the previous two years. But as I stared at the screen they weren't anything like this years. In all honesty, this years seem rather tame and easy. Still I took my time. I answered with what I thought represented my best overall love. Which is rather hard to do considering I only had 100 words for each question.

Umm have the not seen my blog entries?

I read and reread and edited until I thought I had the best answers possible. Even then I still wasn't sure. Even now sitting here hours after I pushed the submit button I am not so sure.  Did I dot all my I's and cross all my T's? Did I show them my best me? I can't garunatee that I didn't make one mistake because I am pretty sure I did. But there was no going back and no dwelling on things once the final button was hit.

And so now, I get to wait for what will be a long month until I hear if I make the first cut or not.

Its going to be a long month.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ten years later. 9/11

Ten years ago today I was a fresh faced, wide eyed twenty-one year old. I worked a part time job, had a beat up Sundance that barely got me anywhere and was convinced I was going to marry Nick Carter. Yes ten years ago the only thing I had to worry about was paying for a new cell phone that my parents had convinced me to get after finally obtaining a driver's license.

Ten years ago I thought I had it made.

But in the blink of an eye, on that September morning ten years ago. Everything changed. I woke up that Tuesday morning, dreading going to work that afternoon. I wasn't feeling great. I needed medicine. It was just a cold but still I needed to nip it in the butt. I rose from my bed not caring to turn on the tv since at twenty-one I could have cared less really what was going on. It would be the same old same old anyway. I dressed, throwing something on,not caring if I wore it the day before or not. I grabbed my keys and started my car. Maybe I would go to the mall after, just to fart around before work. Maybe I would grab lunch even. I got all the way to Target when I realized things around me were closing. Strange. I looked at my clock, 8:50am  surely Target should be open. It wasn't that early. I tried to walk through the mall, but it was closed as well. I made my way back to the car, driving home. Not having a clue what was going on.

I decided to go home, I would pick up medicine later. I turned on my TV, and that is when I saw it, the World Trade Center was on fire, the North tower. They weren't sure what was going on though reports were coming in that it was a plane. A freaking plane! Then just like that I watched as a second plane rammed itself into the south tower. It was 9:03 am.

Something was going on.

I sat mesmorized by what I was watching, and yet heartbroken. Obviously something or someone had something against us. I suddenly felt small. Alone. Scared....

I watched as things took place, as people panicked, ran from burning buildings. I watched someone jump from the towers. Freaking Jumped!!! This wasn't supposed to be happening, these people went to work not thinking that this would be their last moments. Things like this just didn't happen here.

And then just like that a third plane hit. At the Pentagon.Practically right around the corner from where I watched the attacks. I don't think I ever wanted my mom and dad more than ever.

I tried calling my dad, since my mom was driving the school bus. He didn't answer. I tried my sisters, neither of them answered. I tried anyone and nothing. Hello people. Answer your phones...

'A fourth plane has been brought down, this time in Shanksville PA. At the moment there does not appear to be any survivors. It's believed it was headed for the US Capital.'
'It appears as though America is under attack. '

Finally my aunt down in NC called, she had somehow managed to get through...I had never been more thankful to hear someone, anyones voice. I needed that connection, to someone I knew.

We all know what happened that day. Both towers fall, thousands of victims still inside. President Bush declares war on terrorism. We as citizens rise up and become one and promise to never forget. I went to work, which was horrible since no one came in, still they insisted we needed to remain open. My parents were both finally located coming home earlier than normal.

And  things would never be the same.

Ten years later, I am not so wide eyed, I don't have to worry about the reliance of my car. I work in DC, just streets down from the Capital building and my husband is no Nick Carter. I watch the news on a daily basis. Bin Ladin is dead. The war continues And my son doesn't know what its like to go through the security at the local airport without being screened.

He is 2.

I sat and watched as much as I could of the ten year anniversary of 9/11 this morning never realizing how emotional I would get. I didn't know anyone. I can't tell you one person's name even. Still I cried. As though I had. As though I do.  It seems like yesterday that the attacks happened. And ions ago at the same time. I couldn't watch the actual footage, the pain of the events so real, so fresh and still so vivid that it scares me to this day. I can't imagine what it was like to go through such an ordeal.  I am not so naive to know this couldn't happen again. There are times when I often feel as though we are sitting waiting for it to happen again.

The thought scares the shit out of me.

And yet I sat there, looking at my son, the hope that he will never have to worry about things like terrorism and crimes against America.

And whether we are truly safer than we were. I have to believe we are.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Five Question Fridays-9/9

Theme: Sleep Deprivation
Thanks to:

1. When your having trouble staying awake, what are some things you do to make sure don't drift off to sleep?

It usually depends on where I am at. I found myself in this situation constantly when I was expecting with my son. At work, it was the hardest thing for me not to drift off for just a few moments, and it was so tempting. It has carried over even two years later. I try to get up and walk around, run my hand through some cold water, and get some caffeine. If I am on metro, I usually just let it slide and fall asleep. I realize not everything works and sometimes a good hour nap is all I need.

2. Whats most likely to cause you a prolonged period of not enough sleep?

Thoughts...I like to write. No, love to. Secretly I aspire to be the next great author. From time to time I will get these great inspirations, or sentences. And for the rest of the night, I toss and turn until I eventually get up and write them down. There have been a many nights, and weeks where it has happened for several nights in a row. I used to ignore it. Now I try to sleep with a pen and paper by my bed. Just in case. Since I don't think we can necessarily choose when inspiration hits.

3. When your going through a prolonged period of not enough sleep, what party of your daily routine are likely to change? How?

I had to admit it, but I don't wash my face as well as I probably should. I know its horrible. I get that. But sometimes the bed just seems to inviting and so a quick scrub will just have to do. That and the fact that I tend to forget the simplest things when I am sleep deprived. Flossing, making sure my son has his teeth brushed. I really don't think I am the only one that tends to put off the small things like this though. Again, at times the bed is just to important not to hit it.

4. Who in your life seems regularly to have not enough sleep?

My husband. Especially during hockey season. Getting up, and getting in late after working the games plays with him. Especially come the end of the season.

5. In what ways does your personality change when you go through a prolonged period of not enough sleep?

I get a lot more cranky, and often times just would rather be left alone than bothered. And I tend to get real emotional, cry often, that sort of thing.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A dream is a wish.

Its been almost two months since we stepped foot onto Disney property. Two months since little man first got that first taste of Disney magic.

Now being a Disney fanatic, I expect to feel that itch once again to head back down. To start planning my next getaway, and yes I already have. Thank you very much DVC membership. But what I didn't expect, or what I didn't know was this, how would my son like it? Would he? I actually didn't expect him to. I mean not to many people share in the same joy that I do. At least not to the same extent. My own husband hated it to begin with. So how would little man react?

Well let me just say this. For the past two months, he has been asking, no practically begging to go back. This only increases by the day. I can't recall the last time a day has gone by when he hasn't asked to go back to Disneyworld. And yes he is now referring to it as Disneyworld, instead of just the place with the castle like he did when we first returned.

And every day I have to break his heart and tell him no, not today. But soon. Well if you count 314 days from now soon. Though I don't suspect a two year old would exactly call this soon enough. OK not even to his mommy. But hey I have to pay for the next time eventually. Which means I get to stick behind this desk for a few more days, and then some more.

314 days. Really.

Admittedly I have sat behind this desk, and planned out a vacation for a weekend. Even though I often know its not really going to come about. I do this from home as well, little man sitting beside me, I know I shouldn't. But any amount of magic, even just a brief look at it can cheer this mommy and son team up.

'Oh the castle.' he says and gets all excited. 'Mommy can we go back to the castle.' he starts dancing around. I notice that he has yet to take off those Mickey crocs I got him while we down there. They were a last minute on the way out of the property splurge. Turned out to be the best investment yet. He is dancing around, and oh god how I wish. I contemplate this whole maybe we could go over a short weekend thought.

I know I know, I need to take him to places. Let him see the world outside of the mouse. But coming from someone who is happy with the warm, sunshine state and the magic it provides. Listening to little man as he bounces around begging to go back.

Well I couldn't be happier.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Kiss the day goodbye.

Kissed goodbye to summer yesterday. Well unofficially that is. Yes I know the official end doesn't come for another two weeks. But you of course would never know this by the looks of it. I stepped out of the house this morning, to the cool fresh autumn air. There was a chill about it that wasn't there yesterday. I thank the lucky stars I decided to wear a long sleeve shirt today for I knew the office wouldn't cut off the A/C right away. As I climbed into the car, and watched as sleepy high schoolers lights flicked on, the earliest they had flicked on since June I couldn't help but recall that not so long ago time when I was doing the same thing.

I never thought about it then, but looking back it always amazed me how the air felt different the day after Labor day. It was as if someone knew that it wasn't exactly supposed to be summer anymore. A welcome back to reality I suppose.  I admit, I was one of those kids that always looked forward to the start of the new year, though not for the weather.

Then again I lived for summer vacations. Who didn't? It was sad to see them come to an end. Even if I am not in school anymore, and work full time. It is still sad to see them come to an end.

We slide on to the intestate, cars that have been left behind all summer suddenly seemed to be back on the road. The kids aren't the only ones returning from lazy vacations. I don't look forward to the extra long commute, I wish for the summer to be back. Outside it starts to rain, my son behind me starts to sing 'Its raining its pouring.' Three years from now, he to will be among those heading off to school.

I sigh a little at the thought. I am so not ready.

Beside me Andy drives, mumbling something about the weather how he is looking forward to it. Hockey season starts in two weeks from tonight.

I will lose my husband.

Andy drops me off at my office, he has the week off. I wave goodbye to my son, and my husband and head into my office. Knowing the next time any of us will have off.

It will be summer.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Five Questions Friday 9/2

This weeks theme: Falling
thanks to for this weeks questions.

1. What was the circumstances surrounding your most embarrassing (physically) fall?

I attended Longwood University for one year. I got into the then college late, which meant I registered late. Walking to my counselors office I started carrying all my books and all in one hand, because I felt like using a bookbag  was so high schoolish. So there I was walking across campus. I remember looking around at the cute college  guys, the  sorority sisters and thinking I had finally arrived. What I didn't notice was the huge step ahead. And before I knew it I was looking up at the sky, my books flying out around me. Loose leaf papers scattered across the ground. If you have ever seen the movie Never Been Kissed, with Drew Barrymore. There is pretty much the same scene in the movie. 

It was an epic fail. Or rather fall.

2. As summer winds down, and autumn make its approach, what are you most looking forward to in the changing of the seasons. 

As much as I hate to see summer go, and believe me no one is more bummed about it thank I am. I love the colors that fall bring. I love knowing that my favorite pumpkin pie is going to be stacked on shelves once again. Tempting me whenever I pass by it. Thanksgiving, I promise myself. Thanksgiving is my downfall. And then there is hot chocolate. Or rather hot chocolate nights. My husband and I find ourselves heading to Barnes and Noble where we indulge in the beverage, he with his coffee me with my coco. And we walk up and down the aisles for hours with them....I love these nights.

3. Whats something you have recently fallen for?

Good one. My ColorNook. I got it back in the spring as a birthday gift from my parents. I never thought I would be one of those e-readers. I have my books leave me be. But I really really love it....great device. And numerous books at my finger tips means this forever book nerd is in her heaven.

4. Of what has been a shortfall in your life recently?

Work. I just feel like its lagging at the moment. I am disappointed in saying this. Because I thought I had it pretty good there for awhile.

5. Has there been any kind of windfall in your life lately?

My family? Totally supportive and without them, I am lost. They have been there for me a lot lately and its always refreshing to see them when I get home.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Great Disappointments


depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations: a disappointed suitor.

Its an emotion I have come to know quite well in my thirty one years of existence.  As a child it came when I discovered Santa Claus wasn't real. As a teen when my high school crush went behind my back and made fun of me. Or the time in college, for the one year that I did go away and attend anyway, when my roommate decided to blame me for every little thing she got caught doing, causing me to deal with the consequences, no matter how much I fought against it.

I was told these lessons, these disappointments would not break me, but somehow form me into the person I would later become. They would built character and prepare me for the 'real world.' when people won't care that you are smart, and a hard worker. They will prepare you for a lifetime of letdowns and hardships.

They also told me the disappointed feelings will get, if not easier than at least manageable.The hurt will become easier.  A little easier to understand even. This was all just prep for what would be in the future.

Well I would like to say, whomever told me this all those years ago, I am pretty sure they lied.

Because this afternoon as I got the thank you but no thank you e-mail-really? a simple email these days is all you get? and I sat there rereading it over and over, I wasn't thinking oh yippee! In fact I was pretty sure this deep down, raw gut wrenching pain I was feeling was a lot like the ones I felt all those years ago. This was so not easier like they promised.


I tried to tell myself that it was OK. That I was OK, though sitting on metro I knew I was far from it. True in the past few days I had told myself I wasn't getting the job. I was trying to prepare myself for the heartbreak, just in case. But truth was. I really really wanted that job. I knew I could do that job. I run over the questions and answers in my head. I should have sold myself better, you know tell them I was more than willing to do anything. Told them I was more trainable. I could have at least told them I knew how to do the programs. I should have shaken their hands one more time.Though with only the left, shaking hands has always been an awkward situation for me.  None of these things would have made a difference in the long run I am sure. Espically since apparently they went with someone who already knew the system.

But at least it made the hurt go away. Just a little.

I look at the silver lining of things. I still have a job. Sure maybe I am not all that happy with it. But its a job, its something more than most have right about now. I can apply to the Mickey's Moms Panel once more. I can continue to look. This wasn't the right time, the right opportunity. There will be others. Better even.

And I can start really figuring out Germany in March. My in-laws will be happy.

I do whatever I can to make myself not think of the disappointment I am feeling. Or those that told me this would get easier. At this moment, I am beginning to think those same people had never dealt with disappointment themselves.