Things are slowly getting better.
Not great.
But we are all hanging in there.

so how am i doing?

that depends on the moment. sometimes i am quiet, and sad. and then there are times when things are actually normal. and tomorrow is just another day. and everything is fine. but i expect this.

i think the entire family is this way. but we are working through things and while this weekend, may be a very sad moment. at the same time. well its going to be great seeing family, and friends that we haven't seen in awhile.

which is sad. there comes a time when family gatherings are only confined to the weddings and funerals.

and thats it.

i am not normal right now. i am sad and just feel almost. lost. i dont know why, and in a lot of ways i can't fully explain everything or anything really. but i can try.

i start school in two weeks. and while i usually dont mind going to school. i find the mere thought of it right now drains me, scares me and just does not thrill me. but i also know that i need to get it done. i am determined to finish and see it through. because damn it i have put to much time and effort to just give up on it like that. i keep reminding myself that i have maybe two years left. hopefully anyway. and i can do it. i can hold on just long enough to see myself through it. and its ok if i dont like it right now. i have to remind myself that i haven't been back since december of 08' before logan was born. and i am different now. but i also have to say, that usually when i get in the swing of things, it gets better its just the thought that isn't to exciting. and thats ok.

i have talked to andy about it and he said if i dont want to go, then don't. to stop going. thats all he said.

and then there is work. i like it. but i dont love it. i see my son growing up, and i wish i could be there more for him. to raise him the way i want to and not have to hand him over to others to do so for me. not saying my mom isn't doing a great job for she is. but i just wish at times i could do it.

spoke to andy about this as well. he said, then get a new job. just like that but without a bachelors which i am working on, there isn't to much for me. believe me i tried when the whole fiasco thing was going on over in chantilly and all. it took me how long before this one came up? and do i really need that sort of pressure right now on top everything?

he doesn't understand this. but i do. so it sort of goes hand in hand in a way.

and then there is the fact that i still don't entirely know what i want to do once i graduate....

whats wrong with me?

i was so happy on vacation. i loved it. and all. but i have had a lot happen since returning.

and i will admit these heavy thoughts probably steam from the fact my grandmother has passed, and i am not supposed to be all bubbly and happy. and when i am sad i tend to think heavy deep thoughts.

but i should try to remind myself.

this to shall pass...

i shall make this brief and short. for this has been a rather shitty week and it continues to get even more so.

i got the call this morning that we have all been waiting for, for months now. the call to let me know that my grandmother. Ms. Emily Hart Zikowitz had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.she had broken her hip earlier in the week and had been in the nursing home ever since, on morphine. she went quietly and painlessly in her sleep. she did not pass from cancer, sudden sickness or anything morbid. but rather, old age.

we should all be so lucky.

she is in the heavens now among her family she loved so much.

and even though we all knew it was coming, we are all still much saddened by the loss of our loved one. as any would be.

this will have to do for an entry for i am in no mood to write.

The flu has hit our household. It started with Andy on Monday night. We thought it was just food poisoning since it hit him not a half hour after we had dinner, but when I was doing the same thing we knew it wasn't the food poisoning we thought. Both of us are on the mend, Andy returned to work today and I am sleeping off most of what I had in hopes to return to normal tomorrow.

But let me just say.

It sucks.

Logan had his 6 month check up this morning...

He is:

17.5 Ibs and in the 42% tile
29 Inches long in the 90% tile.

Another words we have a bean pole for a child. Everything else is looking really good. We are starting to feed him more baby food and less formula, our wallets will thank us for this...formula is majorly expensive.

He is also so close to crawling it is scary..

Vacation was wonderful...I think Andy and I are one of the few that can say a week in Disneyworld is actually quite relaxing to us. Yet it is, though a week away from our little boy was harder than both of us could imagine. And while it was a great week filled with wonderful food, and a lot of fun. There was something to be said about coming back and seeing my little Logan smiling at us.

And now, sadly. Its back to work I go tomorrow...A thought that makes me, well quite depressed if you want to know the truth.

But on a brighter note.

Only 190 days and I will return to my happy place once more.

And this time I will be bringing the little one along.