Monday, September 30, 2013

September Fail.

September is laughing at me.

If you want to rate months in regards to shittness, this would have to top it in  my books. One when you look back and think, what have I done so wrong?

If it wasn't one thing it was obviously another. Shit even things I really thought were going well seemed to turn around and slap me in the face.


I thought things were settling down, I attended my nephews birthday party and smiled like things were all dandy and fine with me, inside however I was a mess. But at least I was trying, and things were looking up. As slight as it may be, I viewed it as a start.

No, maybe the month would not go down as one of my finest, but at least it would end on a somewhat OK note.

Or not.

Because just as it was coming to an end, and I was looking to October with new hope, September had one last F.U. to throw at me.  And it came in the form of the chills, and the body aches. And the stuffed nose. And the fog...and hello common cold, its nice to see you. The kind where all you want is to lay in bed, wrapped up in your most warmest blanket, some stupid cheesy show like Jerry, or Maury on in the background yelling, 'You are NOT the father!' Because I fully admit I watch this on days like this. Instead of sitting behind a desk  trying to concentrate and pretend you are feeling wonderful.

 Of course the month had to do this to me. I should have expected nothing less from it. Apparently someone has a vendetta against me. Yes, I am sure they are sitting there laughing and pointing and finding this quite amusing.

October better be epic...

Thursday, September 26, 2013

What did I sign myself up for? 5 things I have learned from online classes.

This semester I decided to throw my hands into an online class. The last time I had even attempted to take anything online I was 19, and was more interested in finding out what a chat room was all about over learning about a battle that took place years ago. I dropped out of the class before I failed. And decided online for me anyway wasn't the way to go.

But of course things change, we get busy, and have kids and full time jobs and those campus course options begin to get smaller and smaller. So online was the way to go, at least for this go around that is.

I am now 5 weeks into the semester, and well I have learned a few things in those five weeks in regards to online classes.

1. It is not easy.

When I first started I heard from several that it may be a lot less stressful. But after the few weeks, I have found it still is. Sure I don't have to face any of my classmates face to face. I don't have to worry that my paper when handed in isn't the same looking as so and so's. Or that I will have to stand in front of them and do a presentation-because the thought of that is scary. But what they don't tell you is, its a lot of work. Its writing papers and having something to turn in and have finished every three days.

2. Its writing intensive

Which I love, since I am not a test taker. But it also means I have written and remain writing more than I have in a long time. So if your not exactly the kind of person that enjoys this sort of thing, or can handle writing a paper at least once every other week, it may not be for you. While not every online class may be so, for the most  part be prepared to write.

3. You still have to interact.

Just because its online doesn't mean you can ignore everyone. Yes, there will still be assignments and things you have to respond to. And yes there is a pretty good chance you will have to do a group project, it may not be in the sense that you were thinking of before in standard learning but you still have to do something as a group, avoiding it is not as easy as you think.

4. Its not an automatic A.

A couple of my coworkers assumed it was just an easy breezy, turn in something here and there, but what they don't know is this. It is a lot of work, a lot of reading and if you want that A, your going to have to earn it.

5. There is no off time.

Spring breaks, fall breaks, holidays are typical. Every college student looks to these as times to live up what is supposed to be the best times of your life. Except as I looked at the syllabus, there was none of these scheduled. In fact, I still have things due during some of them. Apparently the rules may not apply, since you can do some of it on your own time.

This all being said, I will say this. It has made me a better student. I fully admit to only paying half attention to lectures while I am in the classroom, and not truly caring about half of my reading. But considering I can't do any of this stuff, well I have to actually pay attention. I have to read and do every little thing, including sitting through 8 presentations a week, will the end result turn out any better? This remains to be seen. But for the moment,   well I have yet to hit the withdraw button.

I'll take it.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Staying strong

I know my usual banter on Fridays, is of the five question kind. But for some reason, this week I do not feel up to it. It has been a long hard week. One in which I have felt every emotion right to the very core. I have cried, I have shaken and been scared. I haven't slept and when I have it has been dreamless, restless and nervous. And when I have dreamed, its of things I would rather not discuss.

I have heard stories I wish not to hear. Over and over and over.
I will never forget these stories.

I at times do not know what to think anymore. The fog has yet to clear, at times I wonder if it will, or if this is the way it will be from now on. I hope not. 

I know to some this  may seem silly, some have questioned why I am having a hard time with this. But they do not understand. No I was not sitting at the Yard, but I am the next block over, as close as one can be without physically sitting on it. So yes, I was involved. Not only that but we become a resource and a safe haven to those that were able to get away before lock down. And yes, I did do work for them, two in particular. I opened an email, from one sent on Friday and lost it. I was there as they shut things down. As they locked our company and building down. They pulled us away from the windows and told us we needed to prepare. I watched the helicopters fly overhead live, I heard the sirens going off.  I didn't need to watch the news to know what was going on. We were the news. Right there for the nation. We waited for any kind of news from my managers that were over there.OK I thought of my son, and my husband and just wanted to hold him and tell him how much I loved them.  

And I felt fear, the kind that is unimaginable.The kind that shakes you. Yes I have done this as well.

I can't describe how any of this feels to anyone who hasn't been in the same situation. But I will not pretend to say I know what those that were actually on the Yard felt like. Because if I am having issues myself then I know they are as well.

Yes its been like in a fog this week. I have not felt like doing a damn thing, I did not want to come into work and hear one more story. Actually, I did not want to come into work at all. In my own way I was mad that they even made us do so. Believe me I know my production this week has not been at its finest. I doubt anyone's has.

And it just wasn't with work, at home I did not want to do laundry or think about my school work, which still remains untouched. I can't even tell you what has gone on the rest of the week. 

And it has been an extremely long week. Never before did I think a week would stand still. And yet, it can. It does. Somehow time does stand still...

I am told it will take time, I went and saw someone to help deal, while it was good to talk, I know I could stand to talk a lot more. I was reassured that this is all normal, and the ache in my body is simply a defense mechanism for everything I have been through. It will fade, the details will become sketchy and the fog will fade. But the memories, well they may last a lot longer.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

lock down.

I am sure by now many have heard about the happenings at the Navy Yard yesterday. And by now many know that I work right next to it, in fact standing at the window I can see into. Which yes, pretty much means I had a first hand experience of watching as they went on lock down as my own company went on lock down. I not only watched it all but heard as the helicopters seemed to come lower and lower. I did not need to turn on the live coverage. I was the live coverage.

I will not lie and say I  wasn't scared because I was. I began to shake as they told us to prepare to be here for awhile, pulled us away from the windows and doors. We were offering shelter to the personnel at the Navy Yard many whom we work with and for had no where else to go. And I felt bad as one by one I watched them crumble in each others arms knowing all I could do is offer them nothing more than a hot cup of coffee, an open ear and a safe haven.

Believe me I heard stories, many I do not wish to repeat, even now as I sit here listening to things, with names that are so familiar and people that we know I am stunned. And in tears. I do not know what to think, I do not wish to hear anymore.

Being on lock down is no laughing matter. It is not fun, its scary as hell. I can't even imagine anything more at this moment. I did not enjoy it. But I will not pretend to say I know what they were going through at all, because I don't. We knew some of the victims yes they were colleagues and friends, they were people we emailed and spoke to on a daily basis. The office is a lot different than it was when I walked in yesterday.

I do not post this to make news, or to see my name in a local paper. But simply because I needed to say something...I am proud of how the brave law enforcement handled the matter, proud of how, DC,MD, and VA teams came together to ensure no other harm was done.

And my heart goes out to the victims.....may you be in a far better place now.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Five Question Friday-9/13/2013: Ill fitting.

Friday, you have a fantastic way of knowing just when I need you the most....and since its Friday it once again time for another fantastic five question Friday. This weeks theme: ill fitting.

1. What item in your wardrobe do you wish was better-fitting?

Its no secret I lost a lot of weight after my three surgeries. I lost it everywhere.....butt, boobs. I mean its great in a lot of ways, half the women I know are seeming to be on diets. But I never needed it. Anyway, since then half of my clothes fit me odd. Or are too big. Like a dress that I loved but don't quite fit anymore without looking like I am 12 and stepped into my mothers closet to play dress up.

2. What role in a play, musical, or television program would be a terrible fit for you but is still something you wish you could try?

Any role. Seriously I am not an actress to begin with.  Nor can I actually sing worth a lick. Yeah you should really hear me, then again maybe not. But I always like to pretend I am Eponine from Les Miz, because I love the song...and well yeah. I would be horrible but in my living room. I am the greatest Eponine there ever was.

3. Which furnishing in your home clashes most with the others, for whatever reason?

Really I don't know. Most of my furniture matches. However I still do have a rocker from when my son was born in the living room. I loved it so much I couldn't bare the thought of departing from it I suppose.

4. What item in your possession are you using for something other than its intended purpose?

I've been none to use a paperclip as a bobbi pin of some sort....because thats how I roll.

5. What’s something others expect of you that you are just not comfortable with?

Party. I am not a fan of them. They make me uncomfortable, and yet a lot of people I know can do it with such ease.....

And there you have it, may your weekend be beautiful.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Moms Panel Quest begins.

Each year by this time during the 2nd week of September I have rushed to my computer, patiently-or not so-watched as the clock clicked closer to 9 and did whatever I could to calm my Disney loving nerves. Each year at this time I pray, please let this be my year.

And then the moment it did, I clicked away, typed and slaved over my answers, thinking I was that much closer to finishing. I hit the submit button after I was more than positive I had given the best answers I could. I then would sit and re-evaluate every little thing. Did I answer it right, could I have done it better. I realize it was silly, but I couldn't help myself. It was the beginning of what could be the best thing ever. Disney planning and writing. Two things I happen to really enjoy. And unlike some things, I knew I was good at.

Every year it turns out to be the same, a thanks but no thanks email. I have to say as much as you tell yourself yo will be ok, well there is a piece of you that breaks. Even if they tell you next year is a new year, you can try again. Sometimes it still, stings.

And each year, the week of Labor Day I look at my calender and I know that the week after is the week. I contemplate not applying....because could I deal with the whole heartbreak thing again.

Which leads me to this morning, I tried to tell myself not to think about it. Maybe if I approached it differently this year, it would be different. After all the first year I applied I did it for fun, and on a whim and so maybe if I don't think. I watched and waited as the clock struck 9. And then I hit start....

and I went brain dead...WHAT????

Wait this can't be!!! I sat staring at the screen, thinking and re-writing my answer to question number one. None of what I had said seemed to be good enough, how was I going to answer this in less than 100 words???? I erased and restarted and erased a dozen times. There is no way I am just  going to wing it. I decided maybe the moment isn't right. Maybe what I need to do is think about it, not rush. I wanted this, but that didn't man I needed to finish right then and there. I have until Friday.

So even if by this point in past years I have finished, and submitted this year, it still sits as I ponder the best way to describe things, to answer....

in 100 words or less....

Friday, September 6, 2013

Five Question Friday 9/6/2013:Untypically related

Its been awhile since I have done my Friday Five. Had a lot going on, vacations, getting back into the swing of things and work. But lets start fresh shall we? This weeks Friday Five them is untypically related.

1. What’s something you think you could have been good at, if you’d started at a young age?

I think believe it or not, something to do with marine biology. Of course not having certain things and not particularly being great at either math or science probably had something to do with my not ending up in the field but if I had it to do all over again, that would be it.

2. What TV show’s theme song do you really like?

Funny I don't think many shows these days still have theme songs. But I always liked the Facts of Life theme take the good you take the bad....that or Cheers....even if I was a kid, those were some classic tunes right there.

3. What’s the dumbest dare you ever took, or what’s the dumbest dare you witnessed someone taking?

I didn't take a dare on much growing up so yeah I do not know. But the dumbest one I have ever seen is probably someone testing out the whole chili pepper thing. Yep that was a good time right there.

4. What’s the most exotic thing you’ve eaten?

I had some Moroccan food in France, it may not have been totally exotic but it was something out of my comfort and normal zone so it was exotic to me. From what I recall it wasn't to bad at all...

5. What was the last thing you changed the batteries for?

The remote in our bedroom.

And there you have it. Not much but its a start back to my Friday Five, I know you missed it.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Hello and goodbye.

I woke up this morning, stepped out my front door and thought hello autumn. A common thought when for the first time it actually feels like autumn in DC. But what never fails to amaze me is this, how you wake up the day after Labor day and all of a sudden summer seems gone. Even if the calender says autumn isn't officially for another three weeks, somehow it knows that its over.

I suppose its only fitting, the kids are back in school, the summer holidays are over and vacation is once again a long distant memory or to far away to get excited about.

But does it really need to flip that quickly? I get that the afternoons are still warm, its like a giant tease, a LOL at us, seeming to say, hey you remember this weather yeah you should, it was only last week this was the low in the morning. Better enjoy it because these days are fleeting.

I remind myself its DC, its typical and the weather is as fickle as half those in office are. Its only fitting.

And as much as I like the colors, and the fact hockey is on all the time-well shortly it shall be anyway.-

To be honest.

I am not ready to give up my summer.
Not yet.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Your gonna miss this.

Confession. I miss school. More specifically, I miss high school. Considering the endless amount of nagging I got, the bullying I received from my peers and educators a like, you would think this would be an odd statement.

OK so maybe its not the whole learning thing, or half my classmates or the homework that I truly miss. Because lets face it, homework on a Friday truly was the end of the world.

But as I watched the kids this morning make their sleepy little way to the bus stops I realized what I did miss was the lack of responsibility, the lack of having to pay bills or worry about this or that.

I missed coming home at 2 in the afternoon and turning to General Hospital while I did my homework. I miss calling that one friend and hoping they had done their homework-or could put it off an hour-to run to Sam Goody's and do absolutely nothing but drink sweet tea and bitch about how hard our lives were.

Because at 17, our lives were that hard.

I miss the whole new clothing smell, the excitement that the new school year brings. The new supplies because I m a nerd like that and get a high off new supplies, a fact that still rings true to this day.

I miss thoughts of homecoming and proms that I swore I would never go to because I would be the lone person to hold the wall up while holding out hope that someone would ask me to it. Yes I even miss the crappy high school crushes I had....

Really I miss the whole simplicity of it all.

No, I would not trade the life I have now to become a teenager again, maybe I would do a few things differently but that's for another subject. And I am pretty sure times are different these days, just like they were when my parents were raising us. But at the same time, there is something about this time of year that makes me long to be that care free.

Even if for just a brief moment more.