Saturday, January 31, 2009

There is a problem with being a first time pregnant woman. You don't really know what to expect. You don't know if the pain your feeling is a labor pain, a false pain The real thing or what. And you go around thinking, is this it. Will this be the time. Should I call..

And you know that it could be false.

And yet at the same time, you know that one time.

It won't.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

As I am leaving for the afternoon, my bosses boss is at the elevator. He begins talking, about filling a requisition I created two weeks ago now. He is on his way to interview the number one candidate they had in mind. He asked how long it would take for them to go through the approval process. I informed him, it doesn't take much. All he had to do was push the approved before it gets sent over to the two recruiters and thats it.

He asks if I would be in tomorrow.

My mouth begins to drop. Do they realize how close I am to having this baby? I said that I plan on it as long as I don't have little one before then. He told me I have to be in the office tomorrow. Because he needed to see me first thing tomorrow morning. And it just amazes me because I started this process for this req two weeks ago. And they knew and know that I am expecting, and that I am due in less than two weeks. He asked when my official due date was, and I told him Feb 9th. And he said then there is nothing to worry about, that if it was next Friday that he would be concerned but that I should and would be in the office tomorrow. There is no other excuse for me not to be.

Again it just amazes me. Because I could go out. And I could have this baby tomorrow. And its not that they didn't have time to plan, or to think about it. I have been on there backs to get this things done because of this very reason. And yet they are the ones to take their sweet ass times.

Like they aren't expecting me to have this baby at all.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A watched pot never boils.

And yet, I feel as though, I am being watched. As though everyone is expecting me to have this kid at any moment, anywhere. It’s not just my family - whom are anxious enough - but coworkers, friends even strangers I have never met seem to be watching my every movement afraid that I will pop out a kid in front of them.

I suppose it could happen.

I mean truthfully, we only have twelve days until the official due date. Which means we could technically have the kid at any given moment, but I am not fragile and I will tell someone should the time arrive.

Coworkers are terrified I am going to have the kid in the office. A few have offered to take me to the hospital should this happen. It is interesting to note that most of the ones that do offer are the last people I would want to take me, the kind of people that look for an excuse to get out of the office.

But it’s nice to have a backup plan I suppose.

Or they are afraid I will go into labor on the metro on the way to work. They come by my cube, exclaiming that they are waiting for the evening when they hear of a woman giving birth on a metro train. They say, "Well you could have it at a hockey game!" But at least a medical staff would be there. Not to mention an ambulance.

Because can’t you see that on the local eleven o’clock news.

And most of them think I am absolutely nuts for still continuing to work. I can’t tell you how many women here who have had children are telling me I need to just take off.

And do what?

Sit around and watch my stomach until it explodes? I mean the thought is nice (the staying home part, not my stomach exploding). But once I am home and not working I go on maternity leave. And since we don’t know when the baby is officially going to come, I could sit around for another two weeks waiting, wasting days that I would rather have after little one’s arrival.

What about working from home? Yes I can. From time to time, once a week if need be, but not for three weeks straight. I doubt my boss would go for that. Nor do I have enough work to keep me occupied for the next several weeks.

Which leaves me back to square one. Working as long as I can until little one decides to make his grand appearance.

Until then, my pot will continue to boil….

Monday, January 26, 2009

we are now 38 weeks pregnant. two weeks to go til the official due date of our little one. two weeks seems so far away, and yet so close. we can almost taste it. i feel as though everyone is on baby watch. the waiting period since we can pretty much have him at any moment. which is just a scary thought if you ask me.

we have a baby appointment here in a bit, we should find out if there is any more development with him, or if they are or can guess if he will be coming any time soon or if he will be late, or closer to his due date....

we shall see.

as i have said before its just a whole waiting game at this point. which i admit can be rather hard. staring at the babies room, knowing that he will soon occupy it and wanting him to soon occupy it. my patience is becomming increasinly harder to take. because i just want to see him. i want to hold him.

and i want my husband to enjoy him as much as i have been able to these past couple of months.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

On Monday, I will be two weeks away from our due date. I have to admit. I am growing increasingly nervous. Its not that I am not looking forward to having a kid. Because I think I have always wanted one. But its the unknown. I am expecting there to be pain, probably unbearable to be honest. But not knowing exactly what that pain is going to feel like. How long its going to take. Etc. Well that's the scary thing. I don't know how much pain, I don't know how long it will be. And I don't know when its going to happen.

The unknown.

And now that we are getting down to the final days, every little movement, you can't help but think, is this going to be it? Is this it? Should I, or should I not. Things like that. Its just the unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I hate to admit it.

I probably shouldn't.

But this can't be helped. Because its not the things I know that scare me but the things that I don't.

Where will I be?

Is it going to be something I will recognize right away, or will it be something I won't. Will I go to work one morning and get there, thinking I am fine and be totally surprised.

I just don't have a clue.

Again, its the unknown that is scaring the shit out of me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

on the eve of a new presidency i wanted to take some time to reflect on the past administration. the bush years.

it seems as though it was just yesterday that we elected him. and as we are today, we were excited to see him come in to office. we were and had been under clinton for so long. we were tired of his sexual exploitations. tired of his ruling, all the drama that he brought into the office. and when bush came in. it was filled of promises. it was a new day. man we couldn't wait for him to come in. and for the first few months, it was great. everything and everyone was happy.

and then 9/11 happened.

and who could have predicted, or foreseen such an event as that? who could have expected any president whether it be bush or another to go through it without being changed.

and its a shame, that bush will go down for what has gone wrong, rather than what has gone right. we see him not as the president that did anything. but as the president that started a war. the president that ruined the economy. the president that ruined america.

and isn't that a shame. even sitting here writting this, i find it hard to come up with anything that he did right. i find this a shame. and its not because i don't care but because this is what we are told about. this is what we will chose to remember him by. what they want us to remember him by.

and what of the president elect obama? who we have so much hope riding on. who we see as the change we need. and we feel as though he is the savior america is looking for.

but do we know what is going to happen in the future. there is no way anyone can foresee what is going to happen. will obama be the president that we wish him to be. that we are already counting on im to be?

we have no idea.

my only hope is that, four years from now. a year from now. even six months from now, we will be just as happy with obama as we are at this moment.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

there are moments when i am tired. moments when i just want to meet my son, to hold him. to laugh with him. moments when i just want the whole thing to be over with. my feet ache. i cant breath. i feel as though i am in the bathroom more than i am anywhere else. i can't walk three feet without feeling as though i need a break.

moments when i just want to countdown til his arrival.

and then i look down. and i remind myself that i will never again get this feeling back. that these are the moments i should cherish because i dont have to share him with anyone else. and its just mine. and soon enough i will look down and there won't be a belly there.

sure i will have another child down the road. and i will go through the experience once more. but how do i know its going to be the same? and it will be with another child. not with this one. and each child is different so how can i expect each pregnancy to be the same?

i am sure it isn't.

these are the moments when i try to relax. and enjoy the final countdown.

for a week from now. i could be a mom.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Sitting here watching the news. A US Airways plane took off from New York's Laguardia airport, when a flock of geese got into the engine, forcing it to land into the Hudson Bay.

It took three minutes after take off.

Thanks to the pilot, NY police department and the crew,

Everyone got out safe and sound.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

allow me to talk some hockey for a moment.

in the beginning of the year, the caps were hot. we had been on a roll. which has the way it has been for pretty much the entire 08-09 season. recently we had won like 8 in a row, and only lost two games at home.

the entire season.

i had a very happy husband.

and now?

don't ask me what is happening. because i gots no clue. but my husband isn't so happy anymore. i went to the game last night. with mom. the last before i have blueberry. i know i said the 6th was but andy was nice enough to give me these as well. so yeah. it was a boring game. seriously it was. it was the perfect ending to my already boring day. and of course it is a loss. so now everyone is calling for action. calling for change. good old typical dc area i tell you....

a bunch of fair weather fans if i do say so myself.

in fact the only thing i think this town concerns it selves with is politics. we are now just under a week to go til the good old inauguration though it seems as though we have been talking and preparing ourselves for it for ages. already the area is jammed with tourists mixed in with the everyday dc area workers. its just a mess. it took us forever to get to the game. and that is with me working in the city!

sure its exciting, its the dawn of a new era and all. but its just ridiculous, they even had a segment on the news of what to wear to the ceremony and all just to watch it.


do i really need to hear what to wear?

my office, which is supposed to be open, and thankfully i am working from home. just got notice that they aren't running the shuttle buses after three on monday and wont be opening or running back until wednesday morning. meaning you get to walk the 12 block plus walk if you want to get in the building. not to mention, that they are closing the parking lot to the you have to take metro. and being that i am just about 9 months pregnant. i dont care how good they say it is for me. 12 blocks is one hell of a walk for me. especially not in the 20 degree whether (if we are lucky) that they are calling for.

sorry but i refuse

sometimes i dont understand why they just don't close the damn office. after all. we can't even get here. again i am so thankful that i will be working from home.

because to be honest. i have no desire to be anywhere near the city from this weekend til wednesday.

Monday, January 12, 2009

So I just learned that Kenny Chesney will be playing in Baltimore on May 22nd.

What an incredible way to spend my birthday don't you think?

I do.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

you got to love thy neighbors

about a month ago we had this young guy and what i think may be his girlfriend move into the apartment across the hall. it was the middle of the week. andy was working a hockey game. as i was watching i began hearing this incredibly loud music. or television i wasnt so sure. but i realized it was coming from the apartment.

it was 11:35pm.

i told andy when he came home, and we tried to go on about our ways. after all they had just moved in, unpacking and everything so who can blame them. besides it was right before the holidays.

they did it again on the weekend. and then we discovered their huge ass dog. which they were letting roam around the complex without a leash. i suppose they feel they are above virginia's leash laws.

again we said nothing.

but its been over a month since they moved in.

and things are:

getting incredibly worse by the day. the music seems to be getting louder. they seem to enjoy not only partying but yelling at one another in the corridors. and they tend to forget their keys a lot. so a lot of the convo's go something like this

"open this fucking door right this god damn minute. i left my fucking keys.

you get this picture.

and the dog.

they not only yell at the dog, but they let him use the bathroom throughout the complex not bothering to clean up after it. did we mention the ciggerette butts that are strung over the place, including on our door and around. yes we have even found them inside our place like they were shoved there.

this morning was the final straw. andy walked out to puke all over the stairs and grounds. now i know we cant necessarily blame them. for we have no evidence. but we do find it strange that all of this has happened since they have moved in.

maybe i am just upset about this because i am expecting, and cant imagine this when we do have little blueberry i mean it just isn't healthy. or maybe its because i am petrified of dogs in the first place. so i for one don't want anything to do with them.

but after living here for nearly 4 years

something has got to give.
and it shouldn't be us.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

so i am starting a baby due date prediction.

thus far this is what i have:

geoffrey-january 31st
sarah-february 2nd
hillary-february 5th
marie-february. 6th
andy-february 7th
burgandy-february 11th
scott-february 22nd

i am still on the fence between three dates. i will wait til monday to figure things out myself.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

i am a silly silly girl right now.
its the whole being emotional and pregnant thing.
that i blame it on..

you see last week, at the doctors appointment they had told me blueberry/logan (cus we pretty much think this is going to be his name) was sitting across my lap. they said not to worry that there still is time for him to move around. i believed him. i didnt worry. i am not worried at all.


so burgandy was up for the holidays, and while i was over at my parents last week, she had her hand on my stomach and he was apparently kicking and going to town. and i felt.


she asked me really. i said yes. i didnt even know he was doing anything over there. was he even over there at all? she said hell yes. that he was practically jumping out at her. and i felt.


she was feeling something i couldn't on my own body. it was as if i was being robbed of something i never knew i had in the first place. a moment that should have been mine, was hers.

for it was all on my right side.-those that may not have been 'with' me for awhile, i have a minor case of cerebral palsy which has me paralyzed on my right side, mainly my hand.- if you look at the pictures of me you wouldn't never know unless i tell you.

so anyways. ive always wondered why at some points i could feel him and sometimes i couldn't. andy would tell me he was kicking and i wouldn't feel anything. i always thought my disability was mainly in my hand, and leg when i get exhausted. but apparently, i cant feel in certain areas and didn't know until recently. everything made a lot of sense then. no wonder why counting kicks has been rather difficult for me.

anyway on with it.

so i am sitting here at my desk this afternoon and suddenly he just starts going bazooka on me. he is moving and kicking and wait a minute, did i just feel that? it was the feeling of a kick. at least i think it was a kick. and maybe he is actually moving because i haven't felt that and oh my god it was pure joy.

i know i am sounding ridiculous. because how many others do you know that get so excited...but its like i had missed out on something during my pregnancy. almost 36 weeks pregnant and feeling things for the first time. it was as if i could finally say yes...he is there. and all.

i immediately wanted to cry. i wanted to run up to someone and tell them the wonderful miracle that was forming within me.

do i actually know if he has officially moved in to the correct position. no i don't. i am only speculating.

still....i want to cry because of it.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

just about a week and a half away from the presidential inauguration. i never really thought much about it until i realized i worked in south east dc. blocks away from the capitol dome. blocks away from where he is going to be sworn into office.

the day is going to be hell.

which is why i am planning on working from home. because yeah getting in and out of the city is going to be pretty much impossible. already roads are being closed from virginia to maryland, and of course dc.

i suppose this is the bad part of living in the area.

i wonder if this is going to be what its like for the next four years.

time will tell.

Monday, January 5, 2009

ugh. Monday.

Back to work. the first full week in lord knows how long. but i am trying to remind myself its ok. next week starts the every week baby appointments. the week after that is inauguration day, and since there is no way i am going to be able to get myself even closely to the dc area i am going to be working from home. the week after that well. then we are talking about the final countdown. so whom knows.

another words, this could very well be my last full week for awhile.

and i have done nothing but run around, like a chicken with the head cut off since i stepped into the doors. my boss is out with walking pneumonia and the flu. so whom knows when he is going to be back, as long as he stays clear of me thats all that i care about. well i mean i care about his health naturally. but with so close to my due date. well. once can not help but think, oh no....but yeah. we had a new person start today, and i didnt have a whole lot of information to go on. thank the lord aleisha is smart enough to get things together and come up with something. anything. still need to get him set up with a few other things but this will have to do for now.

but yeah my boss can stay away.

especially not the way i am feeling. im freaking hot. sweating is more like it. i am not one to get very hot very often. so you know it has to be serious when i say this. in fact you should take note now. nor can i breath. which is essential to us all. i just wish this stupid cold would go away.....

i had a lot of people that didnt think i would be in. i think they are thinking im having the kid pretty soon. so i surprised them. i again told them i would be working here as long as i could or until i have him. because well i want as much time afterward as possible. but yeah they were all in shock i was here.

i said nope. you guys arent getting rid of me that fast.
but i cant deny that i am not sleepy.

i stayed up way to long last night watching superstars of dance. i got to see pasha from so you think you can dance. he was/is god...i love me my russian boys. lol. it didnt help i had a few scoops of froyo before heading off so i was sort of wired.

oh well....

it was ok. not the greatest but knowing how i am i will probably be watching it from here on out. not that i want to admit it or anything....

i miss dancing.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

So tomorrow starts back to work, the first full week that I have had in quite some time. It sucks, the whole thought does. I am trying to remind myself that this will be one of the last weeks before I go on maternity leave. But I know, at least in my eyes, that this is not going to a picnic, nor any vacation. Its going to be more or less a time of adjustment for everyone. Andy, myself and baby Logan, which we pretty much think is going to be the name....

But work.

I think its always hard to go back after such a break. I mean if you think about it I have pretty much had two weeks off, minus the few days that I have gone in for a few hours here and there. I could get used to working from home. Maybe its not so much the thought of going back, but the thought that the holidays are over. I say this every year but you build up for these few days. You decorate you shop. You wrap, and then in the matter of what seems to be mere moments, things are done and over with and your left with a mess.

And the whole knowing that you have a whole year to wait for that feeling to come around again. Though next year for Andy and I, it will be different. I mean come next year our little boy will be just about a year old, and it will be exciting I am sure.

Still it doesnt make the sting of knowing tomorrow begins another work week, any less.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

When we first found out we were expecting, it was June 2008. The year was halfway over, the holidays seeming so far away. And February, wasn't even a thought. After all, it was in a whole different year. There was plenty of time to do what needed to be done. To prepare ourselves for what was to come, and the whole thought of parenthood was still in our minds a distance away.

And now?

Boy how time has flown. No longer can we say, oh its next year. We have time. We can do it tomorrow. Because, in reality, tomorrow is here. What we have put off til, is now major things we need to think about. We still have things to get. Things that need to be done. The whole thing, is just one very weird thought. I find myself no longer saying I am due next February. But in a month. Or less for all we know.

Andy of course, being the guy that he is, still thinks we have time. His prediction, little one will be coming February 7th, and so until then its just a waiting game and we still have time to do the things. Pick up the things that we have yet to get. I on the other hand, know that he is going to come when he wants. This could mean, January 28th or February 13th, or anytime in between, and am trying to come up with the list of all we need. The overnight bag, for both of us. Making sure the paperwork is complete. Do we have the carseat ready? We still need to pick up a baby bathtub. Making sure we have a list of people to contact when that time comes. I am not so naive to know, that no one is fully ready I am sure if you were to ask several new parents, their answer would be the same. No one is ever fully ready and there is always something you forget.

But the key is to at least act like you are ready. After all, the show must go on. No matter how much one is ready or not.

Friday, January 2, 2009

my husband has not learned to lock doors. at night, we go to bed and i usually have to ask him if he has. he then rolls his eyes, gets out of bed and marches to the front door. which isn't that far away considering we live in an apartment.

i have reminded him several times that before to long, its going to be me and a baby and does he really feel safe leaving us here like that. even in the safest of neighborhoods? we live in a society unfortunately where the days are gone of feeling like we know our neighbors.


so this morning he goes off to work, i wake late and watch the today show, doing some minor work for work. i am talking to him over the net when my front door opens. i immediately say hello. its the girl from the apartment above us, she freaks and starts crying, apologizing saying she thought this was her apartment and that she was so sorry she just went to get mail and all. i calmed down, but was still a little freaked (ok not so little) out. i told her it was ok, and asked if she was ok. she said she thinks she scared herself more than anything. i think we both just felt really bad and were both scared.

im hoping the event, will wake andy up. that he needs to start locking the doors. because while we were lucky, and the neighbors above us aren't bad. it may not be so the next time. lets hope there isn't of course. but still. we got lucky.

and considering the white guys across from us, own a pitbull and let it roam free throughout the complex (i am petrified of dogs) they also blare their rap music until wee hours of the morning, and fight all the time. banging on the door and yelling at one another all the time. and next to them is a bunch of Hispanic men that hang around the apartment smoking lord knows what, and thrown their trash on our door. it should be noted that i have no problem with race, but thats the best way to describe them.

well maybe its time to rethink his routine when he comes in and leaves me alone. its either that or think about moving. which we have. and we are planning on, once our lease is up in july. so we will be looking here in the next few months. along with getting used to a newborn.

but until then. he really needs to rethink things through.

wouldn't you agree?

Thursday, January 1, 2009