Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Time is a flying my friend.

Tomorrow marks the first of December. Seriously? December? I had to check because I am pretty sure, yesterday we were celebrating the coming of Spring. And yet here we are, getting ready to put the cap on yet another year.

I wonder when the years began to fly. Because I know for a fact they did not fly by this fast growing up. No, growing up it seemed like the holidays were years away. I counted down on that advent calendar, and it took forever to get here. Summers were long, and the days were lazy. Friends were always around, always there for you. And your sisters were the biggest pain in the butts.

I for one wished my years away back then, I always said when I grew up things would be different. Time would not move so slowly. Yes back then, I wanted life to move a lot faster than it was when i was a child.

And yet, here I am in my early thirties, and it seems my mom was  right, as she often is. The older I get the fast they go by. Suddenly those moments that I longed for as a kid, suddenly I want back. I don't want it to fly. I want to bottle moments up and cherish them and sit in the backyard with my best friends and figure out what shape the cloud is...

But now time is filled with diaper changes, and milestones. In classes I take and hockey seasons. And somhow before I know it December rolls around just like that.

We put the tree up this past Friday, decorated and trimmed the house in the holidays best. I couldn't help but think, didn't I just take this down? Whats the point? Didn't I didn't I?? Where oh where had the days gone? 

I keep telling myself next year things will slow down, for surely one of these days it has to. But I am beginning to wonder if it truly ever will. Logan is growing up, while it is still a couple of years away I know school will be here before I know. Andy and I are talking about another kid, when Logan was first born I remember thinking ok that is still three years away he is crazy for already planning. We had plenty of time. Logan was a newborn.

And yet? Those three years are coming up. Logan will be three in February. February, which at the moment seems so far away and so close at the same time. 

Maybe he wasn't so crazy after all.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I don;t know why I say goodbye, I say hello.

Woke up this morning in North Carolina to the news that Bruce Boudreau had been fired. This of course was no surprise to the household. My husband had spent multiple conversations during the weekend with both sides of the family suspected the same thing.  Not that he knew anything at the time, to him it was still business as usual. He would come into work on Tuesday, pull his hours before he headed to Verizon Center for the evenings game. Yes to him everything was just business as usual.

Until this morning that is. The moment it was announced, his phone started blowing up. So much for a vacation day. He spent several hours on twitter, on facebook on any random site making sure everything was just right. And then came the phone calls from various family members. All of whom expected Andy to have known about this. They were sure he had known for a couple of days now and just didn't want to give up such classified information.

But here is the thing, just because my husband works for the team doesn't mean he knows about everything. Especially not when it is behind closed doors. And so he disappointed some in admitting that he didn't know anything about them, and that he in fact had nothing more to add to the news.

And tomorrow would be business as usual. The only thing that would change would be the name of the head coach.

We talked a lot about the whole coaching thing on our five hour drive home.  We knew it was coming, this firing of the coach. After all someone had to take the fall, and it usually is the coach. So this did not surprise us. Is it the right thing? I don't know. I think team is loaded word, its a word that means more than one. Which means, the problem with the Caps-if there is such-is not soley in the hands of one person. Ovi needs to step up, Semin needs to step up. They all need to step up. Will this help our team which seems to have fallen so quickly off the wagon. Probably. But it will remain to be seen just how long this change will be effective.

And one can only hope it will be through the playoffs. Even without Bruce. Who I liked a lot. I thought he was a fabulous coach. He did a lot for the team. The team probably wouldn't be were it was today had it not been for him. I am probably the only one that thinks so. 

But a new phase has begun. One that brings in an old familiar face to the organization. Dale Hunter, and from this Caps fan, may he have all the success in the world. And if he brings home the Cup, that's even better.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Friday Five-Leftovers-11/25

Once again its time for this weeks Five Question Friday, this weeks theme is leftovers, questions were from previous weeks in the past.

Hope you all have a lovely thanksgiving!

Leftover from April 17, 2009:  What’s a creature comfort (practically unnecessary) you must take with you on an overnight trip in the great outdoors?  Please consider a phone something that has practical necessity
My Ipod, and a good book. Neither of which are particularly that mandatory on most overnight trips to the great outdoors but this is me we are talking about, music and books are my that is what  I would have to take. If nothing more it would cure boredom. And don't tell me the great outdoors offers endless amounts of activities...

Leftover from August 31, 2007: What did yesterday cost you?  <– Thanksgiving in the U.S., but answer it for wherever you are and whatever you did!

Thankfully I was not the host of the event so my contribution was not as great as it could have been.  But I did spent about 40 dollars on rolls, sodas and appetizers.  I know I could have spent a lot more had I been the host of Thanksgiving.

Leftover from January 25, 2008: What was your excuse the last time you were REALLY late for something?

I was late for work a couple of weeks ago, traffic in the area was horrible. I remember calling my boss to let him know I wasn't sure when I was to get in. It took over three hours for me to get into work that day.  I don't know if he actually believe me or not.

Leftover from February 18, 2011: What was your first online purchase?

A Got Milk poster featuring the Backstreet boys in 1998. I thought it was the best thing ever. 

Leftover from December 25, 2009: Which of your gifts do you think you do not put to its best, fullest use?

Probably my Nook, I got it for my birthday back in May and am still trying to get the hang of it. I know I could put aps and all on it, but with an Ipod and a smartphone there are time when I don't find the need to put even more aps that I will never use on it.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

On this Thanksgiving evening I am sitting here in my home after a day spent with my in-laws. As we were coming in, I thought about the things I was thankful for, everything I had in my life. And so I thought about sharing the things I am thankful for this year. They are as followes, in no particular order.

1. My life:

This may not seem like a big thing, I mean after all everyone should be. But this year has been a hard year for me. It was also the year that I found myself in the ER not once but twice. I ended up having two emergency surgeries and was told if I had not come in as early as I had, things could have been totally different.

2. My husband:

After such recent events one would think this may not be something I am thankful for. But believe it or not I am. More than ever. Because I have a husband who is willing to listen and continues to try, and is willing to try to better the relationship that we have. He is also one of the most loving fathers.  And I am so lucky to have him in my life.

3. My son:

Who has become my everything. How little did I know three years ago just how much I would fall in love with it. The joy that he brings to life. I am so thankful for the gift of a son. May his lessons continue to teach me something new every day.

4. My job:

I may complain a lot about it, I may go through periods where I don't want to work think its the most horrible job in the world. But when all is said and done, and at the end of the day I realized that I have a job, and right now, most people would be thrilled at this. Even with a two and a half hour commute..

5. My parents:

This goes on the same sort of lines as my son and husband. My parents have been there through the surgeries, they have been there through everything. And they watch my son on a weekly basis without  taking money or asking for much in return. They watch him during hockey games and date nights, and while I am in class. It simply amazes me how much they are generosity. Without them I am lost.

6. My writing

It may not take me anywhere, but I enjoy it. I love sitting behind the computer and creating something.  I am thankful for the ability to think. Perhaps in the years to come this will become more than just a passion...

And so from me to you. Happy Thanksgiving. May it remind you of the things that you are thankful for as well.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

For the first time-Part 2...

It was not easy. Admitting that we had a problem. Admitting that I wasn't exactly happy. That this was not how I envisioned my happily ever after.

Still after months of denying it. I had to. I did some soul searching in regards to my husband. In regards to me, in regards to us. I wanted, I needed to find some validation that I was right in feeling upset. Towards him. towards us. I wanted a reason to hate us. At least for the moment. I wanted a reason to blame someone else on things.

And so I blamed it on the hockey season, which coming from the wife of someone working in the team, is not always easy. Really I need to do a blog on the whole perceptiveness of things one of these days. I blamed it on the fact that he is not himself during these nine months. Add to that, the Caps hadn't been doing all that well..after an incredible start things cooled off. I blamed the fact that he was always tired, his weight is getting out of control. I blamed it on the fact that he wasn't paying enough attention to anything. I blamed him for the lack of dates we had been on, the lack of anything.and everything

For a moment, I thought maybe this isn't what it should be...maybe something is wrong with us. Later that evening I found myself back on the couch, talking to my husband who now looked at me as if I was the crazy one. And we talked. and talked and talked. While my son was sleeping upstairs. It was the first time in awhile when we had actully put away the phones, and the laptop. Closed twitter and facebook. And just talked about everything. He admitted things weren't exactly fine, as he thought. Admitted he had been just as frustrated with me at times but just didn't know how to say it. Things he assumed I would just know. He brought up my own faults, his own reasoning's to blame me on things.Communication he said again had never been his greatest strength. It was the first time that I took a look at myself and realized perhaps it wasn't just his fault that our lines of communication had somehow fallen a little off to the side lately. But at least he was willing to admit it.

Feelings were expressed that hadn't been in awhile. Tears were shed that needed to be shed. He promised to try harder, promised to do things he hadn't in awhile. And then he asked me something.

Did I want out? He said he was willing to try but this had to be a mutural thing, it had to be the two of us that worked on things.

I stopped for a moment. Did I want out? I didn't enter the marriage to end it. I married for life. It was never going to be an option for me. And yet here he said asking me. Giving me full reign if need be to just up and walk out.

I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I thought about our son, about the past ten years that I had been with him. Yes I would get the freedom back. I would get to be single and wild and free and do all the things I think I missed out.

Then I thought about what it would be without him. What it would be like not to wake up next to him in the morning, to wake to those amazing blue eyes I love so much. Or get to see him in a suit. And No, I didn't want out. What I wanted was to fix this. To fix us. To make things right once again. Because I do love my husband, I gave my life to my husband and just getting up and walking out seemed to be to easy.

The look on his face when I shook my head no was beautiful. I promised things on my own, to try harder to be more open. To encourage him to talk and to be patient. We knew this was not going to be an overnight thing.

But it was a start.

So we vowed once again to work on things together.  We promised date nights and time to one another. We promised things that may not even be achievable at the moment but were still thrown out there. To fix this, whatever it realize that marriage is a work in progress and constantly needs to be changed, and figured out and worked on.  And things really will be ok, and will work out. And we will be better for it in the end.

Then we sat there on the couch and said the three words that had been left unspoken in awhile.

I love you.

And for the first time in awhile, both of us truly meant it.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The breakdown of things.

Relationships. Communication.

It should be the easiest thing in the world. Relationships should be easy. Especially when it comes to those you care the most about. Your husband, your wife. Your kids.

But lately it seems that its not so easy, and communication is often not only not easy, but often the thing most lacking in my own relationship. Well that and a few other things but I am pretty sure he would kill me if he knew I disclosed such information on my blog.

Back when we first got together in the early 00's, we had plenty to talk about. We would sit around and talk for hours about stupid stuff. What color we thought the sky would be. OK thats a little extreme but you get my point. We talked just to talk, I loved hearing his voice. The way he said my name. And he in return had plenty to say right back. We would be one of those couples people probably hated. We would go to dinner and talk, we would hang out with friends and finish each others thoughts.

We would sit with friends, and would watch as they sat in silence. And we vowed. We vowed that we would never turn into the kind of couple that just didn't have anything to say. And yet? Well time marches on. You become the couple with fewer things to say I suppose. Though when this started happening I don't really know. Surely before we got married. It turned from talking to one another to just me talking. To me figuring things out. I started hating the fact that he wouldn't talk to me. And so I myself bottled things up. I left things unsaid. I got mad. I just closed things up..And he? Well he just wasn't talking. He was angry. He didn't do much of anything.

Somehow we had began to fall apart.

And then one day shortly before our 'big' day. I think we just stopped talking all together. Whether it was wedding jitters or something else, some underlining problem neither was discussed.  Instead we went on as if nothing was wrong. Neither of us said much to each other.  Those days were the dark days in our relationship. And neither of us really saw it. We kept telling ourselves everything was fine. We kept telling everyone that everything was.

We tried to make ourselves believe everything was...fine.

Except it wasn't. Somewhere along the lines, the line of communication began to just. Fall. I remember it clear as day. My husband-then just fiance- coming in one evening and saying if I didn't open up to him that we were going to have to postpone the wedding. He had even gone as far as discussing it with his parents who agreed. I sat there on the couch like a dummy. Numb to the whole thing really. And then I looked at him, who was he to tell me I was being the closed up one. He wasn't talking much either...and the only information he was sharing seemed to be with his parents.

I almost walked out that night. I had my shoes on and everything. Though the wedding wouldn't have been postponed as he had wished. It would have been canceled.

Sometimes I look back on that night, on the decision to stay and think what would have happened had I followed through? Had I just left and not looked back.

Its been five and a half years since that cold March night. A lot of things have changed. A lot of things haven't.

The other night I sat staring at my husband who had once again fallen asleep on the couch. He was snoring. I couldn't remember the last time we had had sex. Couldn't even remember the last time we had had a make out session. And then it hit me, when was the last time we had even had a decent conversation that didn't turn into a fight, or was filled with so much tension. When was the last time we had said I love you and actually meant it?

The thought scared the shit out of me.

I sat there, as my husband continued to snore as my two and a half year old son slept upstairs. And I wondered if this was it?  If this is how my marriage was to be? One filled with silence, and nothing. And what happened if I wasn't so happy about it?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

An open letter. Again.

Dear Caps-

I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this. Again. I thought we had gotten past all of this last season. Yes, remember last December. I do.

And so once again I find myself sitting down to write a letter. A letter I really don't want to write but find I need to.

You see the hubs and I have just finished a good blow out fight over the state of team. While he is reassuring me that this is just a phase, that this happens all the time. And that he is excited and looks forward to seeing what you guys do to change this pattern I find myself thinking what the hell? Here we go again? Am I really investing all my time in a team that once again seems to care less about winning. I thought we had all agreed that this year would be a step in the right direction. We went and got incredible talent. We have incredible talent.  We had our ducks in a row. Who could ask for more? Ok I am pretty sure someone could but lets not get into this debate at the moment. And yet?  It seems as though we have somehow forgotten all this talk and moved in the wrong direction.

I keep trying to look at this silver lining, the good of the whole thing. The season is still relatively early. We have plenty of time to figure it out. We aren't really all that horrible. I mean we did win the first 7. Though how quickly we have forgotten about this. The beginning of the season seems like it was so long ago doesn't it?

Granted I do not expect you to win every one of the next 60 something games. I expect us to lose, and go through these sort of issues and periods.  People get hurt, they get the flu. Shit happens. But I don't want to face these sort of downs as often as I am. I don't want to feel like I am in love with a team, that I care about a team that doesn't seem to care about it themselves. And believe me I am beginning to think that you guys don't really care.

Maybe your heart truly isn't in it? Maybe its a mental you can't just snap out of. I get it. Sort of. I mean my heart really isn't in half the stuff I work on either.

But here's the thing.

I know you guys can do this. I believe you guys can do this. I know you guys care, I know you guys want this. And somehow you guys need to pull through this and prove that you are the team to beat. That you are the team that we think you are. Stop toying with us. Stop giving us a reason to doubt you. Play like you mean it.

Give us the hope back.

I am a fan, I will remain a fan but all I ask of you is this. Please, pull it together. We need you to pull this together.

For myself, for my husband. For our marriage.

If you could by chance get it together and turn things around. Well then all will be forgotten, we will return to the happy fan love that you so deserve. Until then I am afraid my marriage will endure several more arguements.

Yours truly.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Moving-Five Question Friday-11/18

Happy Friday! These weeks are flying right on by. Time for this weeks installment of the Friday Five.

Topic: Moving

1. When did you last move residence?

Two years ago this past summer. My husband, little man and myself found us moving into our first home. My husband and I had been living in the same apartment complex for  nearly five years. When we had our son we tried hanging in there for awhile but realized just how much space one needs with a kid. And so we finally broke down and bought our first home. As much as I love it, I miss the convenience of not paying for maintenance

2. What song leave you completely unmoved even though it seems everyone else is moved by it?

Anything by Barbara Streisand. More specifically her version of 'My Favorite things.' Its played all the time during the holiday season. And every season I have to hear people call in and rave about it meanwhile I am about ready to scream. That and the Christmas Shoes song. Yep. Those two are about enough to contemplate eliminating all my Christmas stations all together. Two I could dif. live without.

3. On what kinds of mornings is it the easiest to get out of bed and get moving?

Vacation departure day. The day when you know this is the morning you are getting out of town. I love waking up that morning. Even if its at 4 in the morning to catch a flight. Knowing I am not heading into work makes it a thousand times that much easier to get out of bed. Even on regular days the mere thought of getting out of bed at 4 makes me want to cry...

4. What object do you get most annoyed about when people move it without letting you know?

I am left handed. At the office I ordered-which wasn't to easy- left handed scissors. For some reason they always seem to go missing. Since I can't use my right hand, taking them without letting me know annoys me more than anything. For the simple fact that you go try to find lefty scissors. Pretty damn near impossible half the time.

5. In what way are you waiting on someone to make the next move?

Currently sitting here in front of my computer waiting for the kid behind me to finish up his set of the reports so I can learn how to do them....somehow it doesn't look like its going to be any time soon.

topic brought to you by: Friday Five

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The end.

Its about this time every semester. When I know there is the light at the end of the tunnel. When the long semester seems to be that much closer to coming to an end.

And yet, it all seems so very far far away.

Or perhaps this semester is just kicking my butt for no real apparent reason other than the professors have decided that everything should be due all at once at the end of the semester. The twenty page team paper. Two class presentations, two individual papers. One case study.

Have I mentioned there is only three weeks till the end of the semester officially? Sometimes, often in fact I find myself staring at my computer and thinking how the hell am I going to finish this? How in the hell am I going to find time to finish this? The only good thing I have going for me is the fact that there is no exams in either class. Giving me one less thing I have to worry about.

Which is good considering I have Thanksgiving to worry about. Traveling down to North Carolina for a few days. I have work and a two and a half year old. I have a hockey husband. I don't have time to figure out or study for exams.

Not in the least.

I know I say it is hard to do school, to be a parent and a wife a lot. But I am sure it is no less easy being a full time student. I am pretty sure weekends aren't what they are when your a college student. Then again, I am pretty sure they find time to party. While I try to find time to squeeze in a play date, an afternoon nap. Really its probably no different from the average party going college student these days.

The only difference is partying sounds a hell of a lot more fun.

Three weeks.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Lessons learned.

So there are a few things I learned over the weekend. And since I don't have a specific blog post topic in mind-but in the mood to write none the less-, I figured I would share a few

1. Having a toddler who doesn't sleep is the pits. Having a toddler that only sleeps in his mommy and daddys bed is even worse.

2. That same toddler, won't be a toddler for long and before you know it, he won't care to snuggle with you. Or even be around for that matter. Enjoy it.

3. Funerals, no matter what relation the family member was to you, are extremely hard. Watching your twenty four year old cousin bury her dad-even harder.

4. Funerals only make you look at your own parents and think this will be you someday. Tell them how much they mean to you. Now.

5. That paper you dreaded, will get done. You are more successful at writing them than you think. Especially when you don't wait til last minute to do so.

6. Potty training needs to get done yes. But your going to miss watching little man run around diaper free...if all butts were that adorable.

7. Some family members simply don't live close enough. Some not far enough.

8. Be aware of 7-11 workers, apparently they give hugs.

9. There is nothing like Dennys at midnight.

10. There is nothing like Dennys at midnight after a hockey game with your mom. One of these days, your going to miss this.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Friday Five 11/11

Here's to another Friday!
This weeks topic-What to take?

What do you usually take to the beach?

It has been a couple of years since I have stepped foot on a beach, but whenever I do, I usually don't leave home without at least two books in my bag, thankfully this past May I received a Nook which means, I can carry as many books as I can.

What do you find essential for a trip to the mall?

Money, a good friend and time..

What’s something you take to the hockey game?

I hate carrying around a purse. I hate getting searched before the games, so I usually leave as much home as possible. Which means I only bring my ID, my phone,  my card and some money usually. The less I have to carry the better.  For the most part it works, though a couple of years ago they pulled me aside and asked me what I was hiding in my belly...I looked down confused...and then it hit me, I was pregnant at the time, and I was all baby in front. No where else so I assume they thought I was smuggling something in It never happened again.

What do you take to the movies?

With a toddler in the house, movies are a thing of the past it seems. But when we do get the chance to go its usually just me and the hubs. I don't bring anything. Besides my purse. I don't smuggle food or drinks or anything other than gum in. Boring and safe yes I know.

This one may not have broad enough a relevance, but what do you take when you go to the symphony?

Going to say, I have never been to a symphony, but plenty of musicals. Cash, sometimes a box of tissues and my husband...who is loving enough to put up with my love of musicals.

Questions provided by the FridayFive

Thursday, November 10, 2011

In memoriam

This week, the world suffered a great loss. No you may not know him by name, by face and he was never someone of great importance outside of his family.

But the world will suffer anyway. Who is this man? His name was Lee Berry, and he was my uncle.

Now passing by this man you would have never known just the kind of man he was. An Intelligence specialist he helped train military survival skills. Most won't ever remember the gentleman back in the 90's during the first Iraq war that survived on the lands for awhile, he earned a medal for it. And who trained him? Lee. He too earned quite the recognition through the years for his hard work and his abilities.

He was a smart man. The few that played Jeopardy, Trivial Pursuit stood no chance against him. But you would never know it. He wasn't the kind of man to flaunt his knowledge. Instead he spoke of things that he could share which at times wasn't much. He was  usually quiet, but when he spoke everyone listened.

He was a good man, a kind man. He shared what he had with his family, with his stepson that he welcomed in like his own son. He gave when he could. He was a wealthy man, though you would never know it. Not by the way he dressed, or even spoke. He was not one to speak of such things, sure they went places. They did things but he was not the kind of man to throw his riches in front of you. So no you wouldn't guess it. But  He was just about a millionaire.

But in the last few years, he was not this great man I remembered as a child. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's at an early age he hid it well including his own family for years before finally announces it and sharing his pain a couple of years ago. In recent months it had gotten so severe that my aunt put him in a home after the struggles to care for him became to much for her to do it on her own. The great man I used to know, barely knew who anyone was. His wife, his kids, who he was.

His daughter got married and he didn't recognize any of it. We sat there with him, at his side as he watched on. Asking who that beautiful girl was. I try to recall if there was even a father daughter dance, but believe it was bypassed due to everything.

I can't help but think how awful it must be. To know that one of the most intelligent men I had ever known just fall like that. I can't imagine waking up not knowing who anyone was, let alone my own self. It was a sad affair to watch, one often painful even at times.

He hung in there far longer than I think any of thought. Back in August word was passed around that he lost the ability to remember how to eat, and so began the slow process of preparing for his death.  My aunt put the house on the market, sold it and moved to a smaller house just down the way. My cousin had a daughter, the other began teaching dance lessons. Life went on. And still he lived.

Until Tuesday. When word was finally out, that this great man had passed in the early morning. Quietly. Peacefully.

And as I sit here, I do not remember him as the man he had become, the tired, older man. But for the man he was. The great man who will always be.

One of the greatest men I will ever have the privilege of knowing.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Lucky #3

And so for the third time this year I will be making my rounds at the local hospital to undergo surgery number 3.


Though this time, it it not anything I did-not that the other two were much of my fault either for that matter-but this one is a result of the first two.  This time instead of having emergency surgery to take care of my colon, they will now be going in to take care of a hernia caused by the two massive surgeries last winter.

The date, December 28th. Happy Holidays to me!

You would think after so much surgery one would be prepared for it. But I find myself not wanting to face reality. And for some reason this go around seems harder. Maybe because I know its going to happen. Earlier this year when it was not an option to not have it done, there was no time to think. I know if I hadn't had it done there would have been a good chance I would not have been here currently. No, no time to dwell or get scared or contemplate. I didn't have time to think about what I would do with my son, or with school. Or work, specifically regarding time off from work once more. Simply I was told I was going to have this done, and there wasn't much of an option.

But this go around I have a month to prepare for it. Yes I have know that this would happen but the date had never been set. And back in August when it was brought up, December seemed like ions away. And now here we are just about a month from things to begin. Pre-op appointments and then the holidays and surgeries. I have to figure out what I am going to do with work I have time to cover me and I don't at the same time. And would they be pissed off? I go in with a sinking feeling that the office, whether they say they are or not somehow I feel as though they are unhappy with the fact I need some time off.


And yet at the same time, amongst all this dread is this feeling that it just may be over shortly. No longer will I have to stare at my belly, which expands itself throughout the day and at night, think oh my god I look pregnant. Granted I don't mind looking pregnant, if I actually was. But for the moment I am not, and I would really appreciate not looking pregnant until the time comes again. And maybe eating will be a little easier. And the alien that I swear lives in my body can be put to rest.

So in that sense.

December 28th can't come fast enough.

Monday, November 7, 2011

The impossible dream.

My mom once told me we all pay for our decisions. Good or bad. And we often have to live with them. Which is why, at thirty-one I am juggling a marriage, a child a full time job and going to school at night on a part time basis to finish a degree that I gave up on back when I should have gotten one.

OK so gave up isn't quite the right word because really I never gave up on it, I just life happened. The original university I went to I hated. It just wasn't me. In all honesty, it never really was. I went there because my sister went there, and I took the advice that you need to go and experience things away from the home. And so I did. I left. I turned down the school I really wanted and opted to do the thing everyone else wanted me to do. Packed up. But within a half a semester I realized I made a mistake. I stuck it out for a year though, and when I came home I promised myself the next time I would go to school, it would be where I wanted to go, and when I was ready.

But as we all know, life gets in the way. I started working. I got a kick ass job working for a radio station, and I loved it. School would just have to wait. I met my then future husband, I was enjoying life as a young twenty something. I lost the coolest job I had ever had because of relocation. I got another job working for a government contracting. It was a hell a lot less cooler but at least they paid for school. And so I started. But with me now living with the fiance now, and paying for things, I had to go part time. I got married.  I finally decided though that it was time to apply to that school I always wanted to go to. And it took three tries but I finally got in, the spring after Andy and I got married.

I couldn't be happier.

Oh how eager I was to start back at the school I should have gone to all those years. I was pumped. I was ready. And then Andy got the job with the Caps, and before we knew it I found myself expecting. Still I told myself I would finish that degree. I promised myself I would. So I took off exactly one semester, and then made my way back to class. Leaving a newborn at home with my husband and my supportive parents who watched him on game nights so I could go.

I was back on track....things were going well.

And for three semesters, it was. I was on the road to graduating. Andy and I started talking about plans, for another child. For the future when I didn't have to attend classes.

And I was so, so close...I was one semester away from being a senior
But last spring I found myself having two emergency surgeries. And having to withdraw from the semesters classes once more. Another semester that I found wasted. Another semester pushed back..I was bummed.

I was still one semester away from being a senior. And with everything pushed back now, it meant I would have to wait on the dreams of adding to the family for a little bit longer. But that was ok, I was going to get it done.

Still determined to finish, I registered again though now that I was heading into the home stretch my classes weren't as readily available and I found myself picking up a class I probably didn't need. But it was something.

By this point, I have been in school for the past seven years. And with each semester I find myself wondering, when is this going to end. Still I knew that I was so close. I couldn't just give up.

And here I am weeks away from the end of the semester and its time to register. But of course, the classes that I need don't fit with the schedule I have. Well. Shit. I mean couldn't there just be an easy button? Adding a class I don't need is wasted money, and time. I can't afford either at the moment.

What to do what to do.

Sometimes there comes a point when you have to wonder is this all worth it? Is this stress this struggle to be everything worth it? I know this was my decision, and I am paying for the mistakes I made over a decade ago. But I also wonder just how much more I can put up with? And if the classes aren't being offered. Then what?

Is it time to admit defeat?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Friday Five-11/4: Hanging out

Here's to another Friday...

This week's theme: Hanging out.

1. Where did you hang out with your friends when you were a teen?

My best friend lived just a couple houses down the way from me growing up. So for the most part we spent a good portion of our time together hanging out at each others home. Usually up in rooms listening to music and just chilling. Occasionally homework would get done. But I am pretty sure there was more yapping going on than anything. When she finally got her license we would hang out at the mall down the road from us. I think the owner of Sam Goody.(does anyone even remember that store anymore??) got to know us pretty well back in the day.

2. Where did you hang out with your friends when you were in your twenties?

In my early twenties, I was still living with my parents, and that friend still lived down the way so once again we were still hanging out. The mall seemed to be a fabulous place back then because we continued to go there, despite the fact it was actually kind of a crappy mall. By the time I was in my mid twenties, and dating my husband the friends house became more of social events, and we moved to the local billiards where his friends-and sort of my friends now?-played on a local pool league. As I entered my late twenties-which wasn't so long ago, my hang out became Caps hockey games.  

3. Where do you hang out with your friends now.

It seems now that I am in my early thirties, hanging out with friends, gets to be few and far between. Life gets in the way, friends move. You start a family. But every now and then we still try to find time. Usually its still at a good old Caps hockey game, and its with my mom, who I consider a friend anyway. And that mall, doesn't seem as appealing anymore. Now if we do get together its at one another's house, or out for long as we can find a babysitter.

4. What great hangout memories do you have?

Every great friendship has one. A story, a memory.

  • taking a class at the local community college. It was for History, mid semester the teacher puts on this song to explain the decades. 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Billy Joel. I know every word, and so happened did the girl beside me. It was the song that bonded us as friends.
  • In high school, the best friend from down the street and I decided to play in muddy rain puddles on afternoon. We looked like fools but had a blast doing so. I think thats all that matters.
  • After hockey games, we would go to IHOP and have a late dinner. I wrote a piece of poetry on the whim one night while we were waiting for my husband. Later I had to turn it in for a English class, and it won the college's poetry contest. All because we were goofing off and I just wrote. It took me 2 minutes
  • As I mentioned, Sam Goody's got to know us pretty well back then. The bestie and I were regulars. The year I turned 19, BSB's Millennium came out two days before. And there was this whole display...we hung out long enough for the owner to give me the display as a present. I'm pretty sure I didn't think life could get better at that moment.
5. What ingredient makes hanging out better sometimes than others. 

I don' t think there is just one, and most of the times, the best times are when nothing really happens at all. Or are unplanned. But having friends there, food, the bond between the friends and the memories always seem to make for an incredible time.

Question from

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A sisterly kind of birthday

The birthday girl, about 3
29 years ago today I asked for a baby brother. At least I am pretty sure I asked for a baby brother. I already had a sister so who needed another one?

Then again I was two.

What I got instead was another sister.

I don't think I was disappointed but then again I don't remember much about anything back then.  And if I was disappointed, it didn't last long because well eventually I saw all the great endless possibilities that came with having a sister.

Oh all the things we could do together, all the trouble we could get into together. Yes, it was going to be a blast. Of course not everything falls into place and goes exactly the way we think it will go. And it wasn't long before it was clear, this sister relationship wasn't going to be easy all the time.

First off, she was a blond cute adorable thing that quickly became the outgoing, not afraid of anything kind of gal, while I was your shy quiet brunette that would rather be left alone than stand out anywhere. And the fact that we were just about two and a half years apart meant that we would forever be in one an-others shadows.  We would share friends, clothes and bedrooms.  And being so, meant conflicts, fights and yes good times. Despite everything that we did to one another.

We quickly learned how to get on one anothers nerves. I learned my best defense was tattling on her, yes I admit it I did it at times just to piss her off. But she deserved it I swear!! She on the other hand would do the most outrageous things to me, I mean I am pretty sure you will be hard pressed to find a sister that did the following:

  • locked the other in a suitcase.-yes she did.
  • decide to duct tape the others entire face-yes she did.
  • when a new boyfriend came into the picture, decide it was ok to give him the 'kick test' to see if he could stand it-yes she did though thankfully I never had boyfriends so the victims were our older sisters boyfriends often. 
There are other things, though those three have always stuck with me to this day. I think we went through a period that my parents thought we would never get along. Hillary was always finding ways to get in trouble, even without my tattling ways and I in her eyes I am sure was the perfect one. We fought, like any sister would fight. Over stupid shit that I don't even remember. We would get sent to our rooms. Well one would get put in ours, the other in our older sister Burgandy's room. While we thought it was done in secret I am pretty sure my parents knew that while we weren't supposed to talk, it didn't mean we couldn't write. And so we would eventually make stupid little airplanes and write messages with things like 'Im sorry. And I love you.  And soon we wouldn't really care why we got in trouble, or for what and we found ourselves talking through the doors and making up.

Burg (older sis) and I..about 7
But lets not forget some of the things we did do. The times that we laughed together and had a great time. We tend to forget these moments. But despite our differences, there were some amazing times.
  • Our fartbusters theme song. Which  totally rocked anyways but considering it was sung to my mom on Mothers day, made it that much more awesome. We even completed the serenade with costumes.
  • The time when she was coming down from the cubby hole, that we made after seeing a neighbor do it, and as she was coming down she sat on her uni-cycling award and gashed her upper butt thigh. Pretty sure she still has the scar.
  • Despite everything, we were always there for one another, and had some great plays, and outings together.
  • The 'that song is on' go to your playrooms now!!! song. Why my dad couldn't just turn the tv off is still up for debate but to this day I can't help but listen to it and laugh...and no you will not get what 'that song' is...after all we would be sent to our rooms..

As we got older, it was clear who was the popular one and who was the nerd. Even when I was in high school and she in the tail end of elementary school and  middle I heard how beautiful she was. Guys wanted to date her, and girls seemed to want to be her. She was the trend setting, Gwen Stefani look alike. I was the nerd, who guys seemed to run from, and girls could have cared less about.  It only seemed to get worse by the time we were both in high school. In my Senior year of high school, she began her freshman. Sometimes I wonder who had it worse, I heard it from the guys who constantly asked for her number, half of them would talk of her in class having no clue she was my sister-after all she was drop dead gorgeous and a cheerleader. And well look at me-(yes some guy did tell me this) But she heard it from the teachers who I had had previously. I was a great student, a smart one, I look back now and think that couldn't have been easy on her either. We grew apart in a lot of ways those years, not exactly close we were just kind of there. Her friends where hers and my friends were mine. During those years we couldn't like the same thing the other one liked do the same thing the other one did. Etc.

And she turned into this girl I didn't really know or want to associate myself with for awhile. She did things I didn't agree with, and got involved often in the wrong crowds. We were just both sort of there when it came to one another. And yet, she still stuck up for me when I needed her. I suppose that is what sisters are for really.

Hillary and I, this October. 31 & 29
To this day I wouldn't say our relationship is all flowers and roses all the time. There are moments when we are like strangers and times when we are friends. We don't talk as often as we should, and we don't see each other as often as we should.

Looking back at these past 29 years, on this her 29th birthday and I think of everything we have been through. The good, the bad and yes the ugly at times. And I think about how things would have been so different had my wish for a baby brother actually come true. Granted I could have probably gotten a boyfriend or two out of them. And I wouldn't have had to share the room with him for years. But at the same time, I am pretty sure life probably wouldn't nearly have been as fun with him.