Thursday, April 1, 2010

A little recognition

Recognition, praise. Whatever you call it, it feels great. And probably the hardest thing to accept. Especially if you are. Me.

I admit lately, I have been in a kick ass, wonderful shiny mood. In school, in work. At home. Things have been all around good for me. I don't know what to blame it on. The weather, because its been gorgeous. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am a much happier person in this kind of weather. I thrive on it. Or maybe its something I am not even thinking about. But whatever it is, I wish it would stick.

But today, probably for the third week in a row. My boss decided to give me some great praise. It was simple. It wasn't even a lot. But it was nice. And it meant a lot. He sat there, in his office. I sat across the way, expecting for him to start lecturing me about something I did wrong. Or for the moment that I took to look up the latest on And when he actually started saying what a great job I was doing. And mentioning things about future and training on other things and what not. I almost started arguing or feeling like I had to justify things. As if I needed to say I am trying. I didn't even realize he was giving me a compliment.

I walked out of the office wondering why. Wondering if there had been something in my past to make me this way.
But I didn't have to ask myself to hard.
For I already knew.
There was. I know who made me this way.

Just thinking about her made me revert into my fifteen year old self. And i immediately wanted to crawl somewhere and hide as if she was going to cone out of the woodwork. I felt the pain of her words as she told me how stupid I was. How I was never going to be more than scum because I was dumb...I felt it all.

I get this feeling every time someone calls me into their office. And as I sat there, it occured to me I was doing it again. I mean I even dreaded the walk when he said he wanted to speak to me. I stalled. I did everything I could until at last I couldn't avoid it anymore...

And to think all he wanted to do was give me a little praise. Seesh.

I left the office, smiling floating and yet telling myself that next time. I just need to shut my mouth and let him talk. And I need to not look or feel like a scared little five year old. Because not every time someone asks you to come in their office, should one expect a lecture.

And not everyone is Ms. Andrews.