Thursday, February 12, 2015

I just want to be done

For years now I have roamed the halls of my universities buildings and listened to fellow students talk about graduation. About being seniors and how all they wanted was to make it through the final semester. I looked at them with envy in my eyes because I never thought I would get there.

I always said well one day. When that one day was going to be I did not know. Still I listened. I envied. And I rolled my eyes when they began to talk about how busy the last semester was. How they were dying to get through because there was so much to do before they graduated. While it seemed like ions away they knew it was fast approaching.  

"I mean can you believe the amount of work they are giving us. Seriously are they trying to kill us. Don't they understand we have a life, and parties to get to. Speaking of which, what do you think I should wear..."

Oh just wait until they get to the real world I used to think to myself.  This would be followed by thoughts  of thinking I would never be like them. That when I was going to finally reach the end of the road I would be so ready to be done that I would be prepared. And I would be on top of things and I would be so thrilled that I was graduating that it wouldn't matter I was going to be awesome. 

Well no longer am I roaming the halls in envy of those that are graduating. As I am now one of those. And despite my ever thinking otherwise I know now, exactly what they were saying. Because this last semester is the hardest. Between the papers and the presentations and everything in between I get it.

I am done.
And for the record I am pretty sure they are right.

They are trying to kill us.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Presentation Nerves.

I used to be a wonderful public speaker. But then again this was back in high school when my public speaking experience was to get up and act out a children's book in the space of a school's floor tiling during forensics competitions.

Believe it or not I was really really good at it. My most recognized and award winning recitation was of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Even to this day acting out books to little man is one of my favorite things to do.

So you would think getting up there and presenting anything in front of people would be a walk in the park for me.

It isn't.Then again this is not children's book reciting.

What this is determines if I graduate or  not. What this is leading up to is a fifteen minute presentation in front of the university's department heads and facility and whomever decides to show up to watch.  Secretly I am hoping for at least one person I know to be there, for the support more than anything.

It is not pages filled of smiling faces and easy words which I know I can do. And to an auidence that loves me no  matter  what. No this speech is not anything like it.

It terrifies me so.

Even as I prepare for a simple five minute speech for tonight, one in which is simply just a practice of what will be. A lead up to what will follow if you want to call it that. I am already panicking. I am already dreading it.  I can already feel my palms get sweaty, those eyes staring at me. And the teacher judging.

The thought alone makes want to run.

No this is not like the children's book reciting  for Forensics. The kind I was actually good at.

But I will have to learn to deal with it. To get by. Because I need to.Even if I fake it.

After all, the only alternative is to move.

To Australia.

Monday, February 2, 2015

To Logan on his 6th birthday.

Logan and "Miss Nancy!"
6 years ago as I was leaving the hospital they told me not to blink. Apparently I didn't listen because I did and the time somehow has flown right on by. Today, my little man, you are six! Even as I write it the number seems strange to me. Not that I didn't know it was coming, after all I have had a whole year to prepare for it. But it amazes me that we are already here!

This past weekend as we were getting ready to put the final touches on your party you turned to me and said you couldn't wait to be 13. And while I am sure you can't, please don't rush it. Enjoy your childhood. Enjoy being a little boy for as long as you can. Not because I don't want you to grow up (though I would be lying if I didn't admit there is a part of me that truly doesn't) but because childhood truly does go by that fast. Why rush it even more?

Because I love looking at your face when you talk about Disney World, I love watching you count down and get all excited about it. I know this will not always last. Because at six, you can still play with cars and Lego sets and Ovi can still be your best friend and no one thinks anything of it.

Don't rush it.

Don't rush wishing for the school year to end. True the summer awaits, as does the magical trip. But it has been amazing to watch you bloom this year as your knowledge expands. Listening to you go on and on about your daily activities, whether it be about Columbus, Addition/Subtraction or hanging out at the playground with Dylan while at the dinner table is something I look forward to on a daily basis. Your smarts may scare me, but it also makes me incredibly proud as your mom to know you are exceptionally bright.

Just as much as knowing that those qualities I loved as a toddler continue to carry on through your childhood. The kind, compassionate and empathetic toddler is now the same compassionate, caring and empathetic little boy who seems to touch every one around him. I don't just say this because I'm your mom, but you are an amazing little boy, with an amazing heart. Believe me when I say that years from now this will not go unnoticed.

So yes, little man, 13 will be here soon enough. But in the meantime, enjoy 6 and all the magical moments that the year will bring.