Saturday, January 28, 2012
Two days later I was going through an emergency surgery to take care of a knotted colon. And a removal of my appendix.
Its funny what a date means. Before last year Jan 28th was known for two things. The anniversary of the Challenger disaster which occured in 85'. And for Nick Carters birthday. And before this year I began the morning in silence, in rememberence. The day forever changed my decision to become an astronaunt. And in the afternoon, I would always sing happy birthday to Nick, who didn't even know I would do this, but I did it anyways. I did this last year as well.
And now? Now while these two events still flood my mind, this day I fear will be shared with this shadow of the surgeries. And the pain. And the week and a half spent in the hospital. I look back at this past year and I think how much things have changed. I have lost weight, lost most of my colon, my appendix and have been on disability more than I care to be.
And yet, I think about all that could have happened had I not gone to the hospital that evening. I don't even want to think about it. And suddenly the lose of that colon doesn't seem so bad. Perhaps one of these years, these memories will fade. The pain, the thoughts of the hospital and the incredible sensation that the tube is still running through my nose just a distant past.
But not this year.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Being an adult student isn't easy. I have mentioned this before. But tonight I was reminded just how hard it is. I was supposed to start another semester this evening, due to Mason's scheduling I was only able to sign up for one class, against my wishes. I mean no, I don't want to be in school forever. And I was prepared to start up once again.
I logged on to my account yesterday found the syllabus and started to look through it. And shit. Well, wouldn't you know my midterm would be on the evening that Andy and I fly to Germany to visit his brother and wife. The workload other than that doesn't look to be to much and so I start to look forward to it. Of course the whole mid-term thing would have to be worked out. Now for the most part, I have found either through my own experience, or classmates, that the professors, tend to work with you. Especially if you contact and work with them well in advance of the absence. And so I email the professor, offer up the fact that I am willing to take the exam early, either that day or earlier in the week. I mean it would be the only time as I know of that I would have to miss.
I sent it off confident that it would all work out.
Until this afternoon. When I got a three word response from the professor:
Drop the class.
That's it? Seriously. No, there was no working things out, no even budge? Yes I get it, I know its my choice to go out on vacation a day earlier than my spring break allowed. But its not like I am an 18 year old kid that is trying to make an excuse to get out of it.
And so I dropped out of the semester, figuring at least I can get my money back at this point. No matter how much I didn't want to. I thanked the lord I hadn't bought those two books that I needed for the class, and tried to look at the bright side of things, no papers, no exams. no nothing until at least August more in likely.
But the down fall of the whole thing?
I am yet that much further from graduating. I am beginning to wonder if its worth it anymore. Because it seems no matter how much I try, I am continuously failing at my effort to graduate. I wonder if I will ever graduate
Because right now, I am beginning to doubt it.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Or so we thought.
You see yes it was wonderful, is wonderful. We no longer had to rush home to check for an email that we were waiting on, or that Facebook status that someone was talking about. Suddenly we not only had information at our fingertips but games, Words with Friends, Angry Birds. And for that aspect of things, it was amazing. Not to mention the endless of entertainment for a fast growing toddler.
So if it was so right then what was so wrong? Well it turns out that whole 24/7 thing, the very thing that made everything so easily accessible, well it turns out it is at times often to accessible. And while communicating was so easily accessible through the phone, also turned out to be the downfall of communicating via person, wasn't.
I am not sure when I began to notice or even when it began. But suddenly the conversations with my husband began to fade. It seemed he enjoyed the smartphone a little to much, enjoyed angry birds and word with friends and emailing. And twitter. Ah yes twitter. Constantly. And no he actually didn't twitter, he just spent most of the time twitter stalking as I like to say. Just reading them over and over. He read during dinner. He is on it so much I am wondering if he even knows I am in the room half the time.
It started off innocently I am sure. But lately it seems as though it is constantly. He checks on it everywhere we go, even if we are sitting right by one another. Its getting to the point where I am wondering if its effecting our relationship without us even knowing.
I will not lie, I too use the device but its not as though I am glued to it. I don't sleep with it on, and I don't try to use it while I am at dinner, or with my son, though I admit I am guilty of that at times. I am trying to curb it.
Still I think back before the whole smartphone thing, and I wonder, was it really worth it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I had heard nightmares of the whole potty training process. Mainly from various blogs I randomly found. Most would explain how to do, it the best ways and things to watch out for. I read the smarter the child, the harder it is for them to potty train-which I was a bit skeptical of-I read that if they aren't potty trained by such an age that it will be considered a set back in their overall development. I read this, I read that. Of course at the same time that these same bloggers warned that while it worked for them not to expect it to work for every child. And so when all was said and done, it really would depend on the individual child.
Which meant all this advice was really. Just that. Advice.
But how would Logan handle it? Would he be an overnight sensation and take to it just as much as he took to the no binkie situation? There would only be one way to find out.
And so last Tuesday, and two weeks before little man would turn three I decided it was officially time to start the tedious process of potty training.
Five days later, we have made some progress. While he gets the concept of using the bathroom for number one, it seems he is afraid of the concept of using the big boy potty for number two. I wonder what it is about it that seems to be so scary, but I am hoping for it to get better. He is making progress, just yesterday he decided it was time and so he marched himself up to the potty all by himself and used it without being asked.
But for every success seems to be a little mishap. Like the fall into the toilet, when he was trying so hard to pull his pants up by himself that he lost his balance and fell right in there. Thankfully it was not head first still seeing his little feet waving in the air, made me feel like a terrible mommy when I laughed.
Still I expect things like this will happen. He will have accidents and mishaps along the way and that will be ok. And the moment he hits the point where he is wearing big boy pants.
I don't know who will cry harder.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Gotta be honest, I don't really remember the very first watch that I had. And because I can't use my right hand, I can't put a watch on, on my own so I don't wear them very often. But being raised in the 80's I am pretty sure it was some sort of swatch watch. Totally.
What lately seems to have been a thief of time?
My son, only because he is about to turn three and it seems like yesterday I was just finding out that I was pregnant and now I am two weeks shy of him turning into a little boy. It seems that time is robbing me...
What were yesterday’s quietest five minutes like?
The time I took a bath...my mom was watching my son and allowed me some quiet private time alone. It was the best few moments of the day. Just me, the bath and the radio...It was glorious.
In what way have you lately been saving time?
Before entering leave I was saving time and money with lunches. I used to buy my lunches every day, and finally started to get back into the habbit of making it and bringing it. Saved not only a lot of time, but money as well. Which was wonderful...now if I could only get my husband back in the habbit of doing this, I think I would be truly a happy woman.
We are often charged hourly rates for labor, but we never get to reciprocate in kind when promised completion times don’t match actual completion. If you could bill people for the time you spend waiting, what would be a reasonable amount?
Anything in regards to cars. It always seem that they know you need it so they take their time, and then don't get it back when they say they will. It can be at times, frustrating beyond belief. As for how much I would charge them for their service I have no clue since I have never thought of it before. Just better service would be all I ask.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Perhaps I haven't mentioned this. But my sister got engaged right before Christmas. After eleven years of dating her fiance, no one was more thrilled than Burgandy-the sis-who I am pretty sure was getting to the point where she thought it would never come. After all, I am pretty sure there was more than one person that thought the same thing.
Whether they wanted to admit it or not.
And after eleven years, its safe to say she has emerged herself into full wedding mode. After waiting for so long, she does not feel the need to have a long engagement-which I can't blame her-and has set the date for Sept. 2nd of this year.
It will be here before we know it.
She came up this weekend to do some planning and looking with my mom. Being asked to be the matron of honor I tagged along with them, tried on a thousand dresses and went over what every bride should and shouldn't do. And with thsi whole planning for a wedding going on it made me realize one thing.
Wedding planning is a shit load of work.
Seriously. Was it this much work when I got married? Because I don't remember it. Then again, I was the sort of bride that knew what she wanted. I saved for years and had a long engagement-that is if you consider 18 months long-and I got to work doing things. My sister on the other hand? Doesn't exactly know what she wants, or wanted and while I had a long engagement, I realize at 37, she doesn't want to wait to much longer. So that I get.
I forgot how time consuming it is, how much once you get engaged all you want to do is plan, how the money has to come from somewhere, and as a teacher its not as much as you would like.
But what I do remember is, yes it may be a lot of work but the planning was also a lot of fun, how I had moments when I just enjoyed the process because I knew once the wedding came it would be over with.
And I hope, while this moment may be stressful I hope my sister can enjoy it. After all, this is her moment.
Friday, January 13, 2012
This weeks theme: Type.
What’s a decorative font you really like?
I really like Lucidia handwritting. I love to use it when I creative write, and write as if I am actually handwriting a letter. Its just reminds me if it was my own handwritting. I don't know there is just something about the font that I really love.
MS Word uses Times New Roman as the default plain font; Apple Pages uses Helvetica. Is there a plain font you like better?
Arial. I don't exactly know why I prefer this font but for some reason I do. Who knows. But it is probably one of my favorite fonts. Again don't ask. Just go with it.
In words per minute, how fast do you type? (if you Google “check your typing speed” or something like that, you’ll find many online options for testing yourself)
I just clocked myself at 65 words a minute, which may not exactly seem horribly fast but when you consider I type with only one hand well then it doesn't seem so bad. I think the fastest I was clocked was at about 80 a minute. I used to do typing contests back during the one year at college where I would race against kids that could type with two hands. I am proud to say I wiped quite a few of their butts.
Who in your life is just your type, but for some reason not romantically compatible with you?
Brooks Laich....totally my type of guy. But doesn't know I exsist. (Sad face) and lets not forget the fact that I am already married so, yeah totally not happening anytime soon.
What’s your blood type?
I am O postive. Apparently, this is the best type to be. Though I don't exactly know why.
Questions provided by Friday Five
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
For the most part it went as expected, I am healing well, I can't pick or handle anything large and heavy and I am once again able to have fiber in my diet, though I need to slowly introduce it back into my life. Which is pretty nice since, well I have missed my veggies and fruits. Funny what one missed when they are told they can't eat something. Especially someone who loves their fruits and vegges just as much as I do.
I didn't see my regular surgeon so I totally got a different opinion than my own surgeon. Which is the way it has been since day one. One doctor will say one thing, and the other will say another. I am begiining to think when it comes to down to it all, it pretty much is what the doctor prefers, how they practice and how they feel.
There were 2 questions that I asked.
1. When can I go back to work:
The last time I had talked to the surgeon he advised mid February, which would be about six weeks out. And so I assumed that it would be the same this appointment, and yet this surgeon said not til almost the end of February. After all this is the third time this has happened and they would rather make sure I am more than ok to go back. I didn't get a doctors note, but figured I will have plenty of time to get a release to go back to work.
I called the office to let them know, they sounded. Well I don't know how they sounded. Believe me this whole thing does not make me very happy either. Its not like this is easy on me. I still go through moments when I am completely light headed and dizzy and exhausted. This is not a vacation. And I feel as though they think it is. I don't want them thinking I am trying to take advantage of the system or anything. Its hard.
This is hard.
2. What about kids:
Because I am only 31, and while I love my son, I never visioned him to be an only child. And since I figured it is good to ask I went ahead and asked. The answer, probably. It should be. It depends. Another words, hopefully but it depends on what the actual surgeon says, and what my body says. It depends on how much they took out and if they think there is enough to support. The news was hard, because I don't know. No we weren't thinking about any for at least a year. But the news just somehow got me down for a bit. I don't know what to think, and I don't know how to feel...
I left feeling a little releieved at the fact for the most part this is all over with.
But I wonder if it truly is.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Admittedly I hated it. My mom would drag us from thrift store to thrift store every weekend searching for deals, used jeans, used sweaters and while they were cheap, they were often at times things that were in style two seasons ago. And as a teenager I didn't want to admit that my clothes came from places that didn't start with Abrocrombe or Guess. I was teased half the time as it was, I didn't really need another thing to add on to it. And so, half the times it was a discussion I didn't share with the majority of friends.
Yes I hated thrift store shopping. I hated the way it smelt, hated the lack of styles it provided and I hated being dragged day after day to them. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad had we mixed our thrift store shopping with the occasional name brand shopping, but at the time it wasn't really a luxury we could afford. I know this now.
But how funny times change. That thrift store shopping I hated so much as a teenager, has now become something I actually secretly like. I sit here from just about a brand new kitchen table, in perfectly good shape, bought at that thrift store I hated back in the day. And I eat on an amazing dishware set that I bought. And I am wearing brand new, yes brand new Aeropostle and American Eagle jeans bought at a thrift store.
Maybe my mom was on to something all those years ago.
Yes I said it I actually wear clothes from there now. Most of the time its for work purposes or jeans, since being a size 0, is at times impossible to find in the stores. And with all my surgeries and the question of will I gain any of it back, well those jeans that may just turn out to be those in between jeans, feel a whole lot better when they are under five bucks.
And yes, my son wears used clothes. Because as a toddler I don't see the need to buy expensive name brand clothes that he will only wear for a couple of months before out growing them anyway. My husband, who grew up in a house that pretty much never denied their kids anything now looks through the racks, and finds knick knacks for himself.
It has become a family affair.
I will be the first to admit I do shop at American Eagle, and buy new clothes still. As does my husband, and my son. But the difference is now, I don't look at thrift store as cheap junk an old smelly clothes.
But rather to get a deal from time to time.
Sometimes mom really does know best.
Friday, January 6, 2012
1.If they could invent a remote control for something in your house that doesn’t have one, what would you wish it to be?
The laundry. Because it always seem to continue to pile up no matter how much I try and do it. Not to mention with three flights of stairs how fabulous would it be to just push a button and have someone, or rather something do it for me??
2.What could your car really use that they just hasn’t invented yet?
Automatic pilot. I know they are coming close, but at times during long drives and traffic I think what if the car just drove itself, while I sat back and read, or take a nap or something. Yep. Again I know they are coming close and I am sure if not in my lifetime, than my sons they will have a car that drives itself but for now it will remain a wish...
3.Who among your friends could probably be a great inventor if he or she had enough funding to do it?
My sister Hillary, as a kid she was always coming up with these drink mixitures and food stuff, half of the times it was gross but I know she likes to invent stuff for her kitchen and what not. And she is quite handy on creating outfits and sewing stuff for everyone. I am sure with some extra cash she could totally pull it off.
4.What invention seems to do its job in a less-satisfying manner than the old-fashioned way?
Phone cameras. I know some of them are getting a lot better than they were. But mine, not so much. And I still prefer the old point and shoot one, I think you can get better angles and all with a point and shoot. And whether I can upload it instantly or not doesn't really matter. I can wait the hour til I get home and upload it from there.
5.Lately, vending machines have gone beyond drinks and snacks: you can rent DVDs from them or even purchase iPods from them. What’s something your life could be improved by if it were available in vending machines?
Those tide to go pens, or anything that will get a little mess out of something as quick as possible. With a toddler, and my admittided clumsiness, at times I feel like it would be nice to just have something right there to grab when I don't have it. Especially at work. Spill a cup of soda on you, or a donut or anything and you look so unkept for the rest of the day. So yes that would be amazing.
Questions The Frriday 5
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Because for the most part they never last. And really what would I resolve to do? I don't need to lose weight, I don't smoke, I rarely drink and I eat healthy. So I am clueless on to what to make as a resolution. I suppose lesson my caffeine intake, but with every thing else I have been through, and all I really don't feel the need to get rid of this minor horrible addiction.
I suppose I could make a resolution to blog more. But I always feel like I have to stick to one topic and blog about one topic on my blog instead of what I have been doing and blogging about life here and there, whether its Caps,or Disney or my own life in general. And since this is my own blog I really feel like I shouldn't have to stick to one theme. And I haven't heard a complaint yet so...
And then I think, why should I have to make a resolution at the beginning of the year? What would it hurt if lets say in June, I decide to make a resolution to do something positive or for a change? Would it be that bad??
Which means, for now, there will be no resolution from me.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Slow. But steady.
I will admit this go around seems to be a lot harder than the previous two. Even after I had time to prepare myself, it hurts more, eating seems harder and the energy is totally not there.
Another words, it sort of still sucks. I am trying to hang in there. I go out and put on a smile. I had dinner with my family last night, where my cousin and her husband announced they were expecting their first child-for the record I called this a month ago-and I sit and converse as though everything is going smoothly.
And yet inside, I feel as though I am an emotional wreck. It hurts to eat, my appetite seems to be not there at times that I force myself to eat and when I do eat, its as if I have three bites and I am completely full. I know my parents, my husband and half the family would love to see me eat a lot more, to put back on that 8 Ibs I lost while in the hospital. But at times I wish they understood just how uncomfortable it is to actually eat.
Walking takes time, I go through moments where my energy is quite abundant and I have so much, but these moments are usually few and far between and don't last long. I sit and take breaks. Sleep, and still the energy doesn't return. I know this will change. But for the moment, the lack of umf is irritating. As is the unsteadiness of my movements. The fact my husband at times has had to hold me like my grandfather did in the final moments of my grandmothers life. I feel fragile.
I find I am more emotional all around. I have cried over stupid stuff, commercials. Thoughts, dreams. and fears. Its completely unexplainable and I have a hard time trying to explain it. I cry because my cousin admits she is pregnant, and I am totally thrilled and yet jealous at the same time.
And then there is the fear. I think somewhere in the back of mind I am afraid this will happen. Again. Even if my husband guarantees that it never will, that I am done with this for once and and for all. And still I find myself saying, what if. There is nothing that could totally guarantee me anything. Life is filled with no guarantees. Never say never. And so I walk around and I think, what if that pain returns, knowing this is not the way I should live, but yet can't help but do so. I hope with each passing day, and with each passing moment that the fear will somehow lesson, and I will somehow be able to put the fear behind me and move on.
No matter what my mind may say.
I know all these things listed above will get better with time. I know it takes time, and patience and work. But for the moment, its slow.
And for now, I suppose that's ok.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
And now that 2012 has officially begun I figured it was a pretty good idea to list a few names I think 2012 can deal without. Of course this is in no way anyone else opinions than my own and realize that my views may not be the same as the next. Still here is my list of people that I think should be filled in the 2011 vault and be put away until we so choose.
1. Kim Kardashian.
Or the whole Kardashian clan rather. I really don't see what America finds fascinating about this girl and her family. And the whole 72 day marriage thing, if you asked me was way over the top. Most Americans don't go out and get married like that on a whim and then say Opps. I made a mistake. OK so yes I get it, a lot of couples these days DO find themselves thinking this. But half the time its never as forgiving as Hollywood marriages are. And divorce never is as fast as Hollywood. Yet somehow Kim K does this and its suddenly acceptable. Seriously? No wonder why marriage these days isn't what it used to be. No wonder kids think its ok to just run off and get married.
2. Lindsay Lohan.
Does it really surprise anyone that she still parties, that she still drinks and that she is on probation for the better part of the year? Because if it does, you must be the only one. And why do we feel the need to only feed into her addiction even more is beyond me. The girl needs help, not a slap on the wrist. But actual help. I just fear by the time we figure this out, she will be already gone. Come to think of it, she is just about 2 yrs shy of 27....
3. Justin Beiber
I get the whole cute teen boy gets a big break from a super mega star artist. Its called luck. And I get I am not fifteen and so my point of view is somewhat, sounding adult. But I am sorry I just don't see what is so damn fascinating about this kid. And what disturbs me even more than the talent I don't get? Is watching The Today show, or flipping through the latest copy of People and finding women old enough to be my mom fawning over him. Plastering their third bedrooms with posters of him from floor to ceiling and thinking its perfectly ok. I mean yes I too plastered my walls with Nick Carter and BSB posters back in the day, but the difference is, I was actually 17. If the roles were reversed, men would be arrested or heavily questioned-along with being called pervs-for doing the same thing.
4. The Twilight Gang
Much like the Beiber deal, I get the whole book crazed turn to movie thing. I get the cute boys and the pretty lead. Throw in a love triangle both on-and off?- the screen and you have an epic hollywood story in the making. But I read the books, and wasn't impressed. And the movies? Can be worth a watch on a Friday night with nothing to do. And they make wonderful jokes, I mean the screenplay isn't the best. Pretty sure you won't find 'Stop being such a marshmallow' going down as one of the most memorable lines ever. But is it worth such mass hysteria across the world?? And again, the fact that women older than my mom are tattooing themselves up, and decorating the house with team Edward and team Jacob posters, kind of disturbing. Just as much as that I drive like a Cullen on the back of Jaguar does. I am probably the only one who will be glad to be rid of the series once and for all.
5. Casey Anthony.
I realize in reality, these names will still continue to haunt me for the next year. And even if these names do fall off the face of the Earth, there is always someone else waiting to take their place.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.