Wednesday, January 20, 2010

This week starts a new semester at Mason. Once again I am taking two classes, a communication class and a management class. Neither should be as hard as the Financing class I had last.

Which is a good thing I assure you. If I never see another formula, or word problem I shall die a happy woman.

But this semester also has a new feeling to it. For this begins the beginning of the end. I am down to ten, thats right ten classes to go. A total of five semesters left of college. Now granted this may seem like an eternity. But in the long run it isn't. Not when I think back to the years I have spent behind desks, and computers. And things like that. Not when I think about all the times I have thought about quitting only to tell myself I can not just give up on it.

So ten. That's not a lot right. I can do this.

And I am hoping that this semester will be a better one for me. I mean yes I didn't do to terrible last semester but I need a stiller one if not for any more reason than I want one. Though I have to remind myself times have changed. I have a child now, I have other responsibilities. And while most can just simply pull all nighter's I don't quite have that luxury anymore. Nor do I have the desire to do so anymore.

So here is to hoping for a successful Spring semester.
May it be better than the last.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

How does one make themselves happy?

I have not been happy lately. I would like to deny this, but the truth is, I haven't. I could say its this, and I could say its that. But the truth is, I think its a little bit of everything. And none of it makes sense. Or perhaps it does and I just don't want to admit it to myself.

I mean its obvious that work hasn't been making me happy. But then again, does work make any one happy. I mean do people really want to work their ass of for eight hours a day for their entire life. Even those that say they absolutely love their jobs, that they have their dream jobs surely have doubts and moments of pure frustration and dislike from time to time. So yes. I can't say I am the only one that would feel this way.

Still perhaps this feeling, the unsettling not wanting to go in at all is telling me something. Maybe I need to reevaluate certain things. Whether it is my position, or my employer itself. Or the career path. Maybe its telling me something. Just how to figure it out is something totally different. I mean its not like I can wake up and say I do believe I am going to be a pilot today. And it isn't as though I can just be anything without school, and work involved.

Which leads me to school...

I have been on a hiatus from school. Which starts back up tomorrow. Still I can't deny that I just want to be done with the entire thing. I have a total of ten classes left before I graduate. With the pace I am going that is five semesters counting this one. Meaning after this, I have eight classes, and four semesters. Not bad considering what I started with all those months/years ago. And I have to remind myself of this every now and then. I am just so close that I can taste it, I can feel it.

Just keep chipping away, just keep plugging away.

So what's this lead to then?

Is my unhappiness coming from my marriage/family? No, I will not say family. I love Logan with all my heart. I can't think of life without him. I marvel at the fact I got along this far in life without him as it is. So then, does that leave Andy and I? Admitidly it hasn't been the easiest of relationships lately. The lack of intimacy is really beginning to get to me. I don't know if its just that we are to busy, or that we just don't have it any more. It seems as though he just isn't interested in it anymore. Just the other day I was 'feeling' him up and he looked at me and asked.

'What the hell are you doing?'

And I wanted to yell at him, to tell him what do you think I was doing?

Now I realize Logan was up, and alert but come on, take that as a sign buddy. Something.

And while he may not see it, or may not think it, but he does get very fiesty, very anzy very fast. So much short that he gets short with me, and makes me feel like I am not doing the job like a mother should be doing.

I have spoken to him of this. I have had several different talks with him. In hopes that something will improve. As recent as last night. And he just says that he doesn't know where I am coming from and to let him know what he needs to do. And that I should make myself happy.

And that he hopes I make myself happy.

But what if I don't know how myself?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A month shy.

We are now a month away from our winter getaway. Now usually we make our way down to a very hot, very sunny very packed DisneyWorld, this time around however things will be expectidly different. The crowds, while may be there, will not be anywhere near what they are like in July/August. And instead of the 90 degree whether, we are looking at a cool 65 average. Of course, coming from the DC area where we are currently sitting at 20 degrees, I would 65 sounds pretty nice about right now.

This is the first time we will have a little one in toe. Bringing a whole new perspective of the parks. One we are not only looking forward to but excited. While we have seen pretty much everything that Disney has to offer to see it through a childs eyes will be something that is a first. To see Logan with the characters, the rides. the lights. I have not gone as far as knowing the first ride he will be on. I have not gone as far as planning every minute of every day for the entire trip. Mainly because unlike most of the times, when we can go from sun up to sun down, this time we are kids schedule. And while I want to make this a memorable first trip. The truth is, he will be just over a year old. And how much is he actually going to remember. Mom and dad. Of course we will but Logan on the other hand. Doubtful

Still I can't hide the fact that I am just a little to excited at the thought of that first picture of my first son, and Mickey.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Just about a week into the New Year and changes have already begun. Mainly in the form of Logan who is just about three weeks shy of a year old. Over new Years he began pulling himself up by himself. In the short week that it started, he has now moved on to pulling himself up on the stairs, and is finally getting the hang of his knees under him which gives me hope that he may actually crawl on all fours after all. Believe me I think Andy and I were beginning to believe the army crawl was going to be a lasting thing.

And the new year brings the second half of the hockey season. And while we are halfway through, I don't expect it to be an easy quick end. In fact I have already been given fair warning that my widowhood may last all the way til the end of June. Leaving us the month of July to focus on us as a family with no hockey, no school to distract us.

Not an easy thought but we must do what we must do.

Just as Logan's motor skills are improving. His verbal skills are coming right along. His two front teeth broke through on Christmas. A fact I find hilarious since I wrote to 'Santa' asking for them to come in. And loo and behold they do. Last count he had a total of six all together. And he seems to be a petty happy baby considering. He spends most of his days babbling on to people holding lavish conversations in which only he knows what they are discussing. But from an observer, it doesn't seem like to many people mind. Related or not.

Now the only question that will remain is this. Will he become his aunt, who has never met a stranger. Or more like his mother. A quiet shy observer.

Time will only tell.

Monday, January 4, 2010

So welcome to 2010.

And I have a feeling that this year is going to be a big year for me. Whether it be good or bad has obviously yet to be seen. I turn thirty this year. Thirty. I have never thought as thirty being old. I still don't. But there is something about it, that makes one stop and reflect. A oh my god...

And there is this other feeling. An almost unsettling feeling as though something else will go on by the end of the year. What that is, I don't know. Job perhaps. Or something. I just don't know but it is dif. there in the background. And it makes me uneasy really.

But whatever it may be, good and bad. It will be.
And I will face it.