Thursday, June 30, 2011
But of course Logan has changed all this, no more last minute packing. No more putting it off until the morning. Instead I sit here, as I am currently looking at two weeks from vacation officially and I can already feel myself going through a minor panic attack. Two weeks seems as though I have plenty of time, but with a full time job, and an active toddler roaming the house, I assure you these next two weeks aren't nearly enough time.
So here is my handy dandy top four things to pack, reminder to those that may be looking to travel with a toddler.
Medicines-This past March my husband and I went on an adult only trip. We both ended up getting sick. Having no medicine cabinet handy, we marched ourselves down to the resorts store in search of anything that would relieve our aching bodies. We were in luck, of course with a price. Lesson learned. You may never need this, I pray you never need this. But perhaps its better to be safe than sorry. Or you just may find the majority of your souvenir cash being spent on medicine. And we are not just talking about adult only, this goes for kids as well...the last thing you want is a cranky three year old running around the parks.
Entertainment-I know what your thinking, you are heading down to Disney, what more entertainment could you need? But lets be real here. Unless you live in Orlando you are either going to be flying or driving. Both of which mean the kids and you will be doing a lot of sitting and waiting. And that is if it all goes well. While the two hour wait may be ok for you, to a two year old, the wait is forever. Go ahead and break the to much is bad for your kid rule, bring that portable DVD player, or your Ipad, and a couple of movies....you and those around you will thank you in the long run.
Utensils-My son is at the age where he wants his own plate, his own fork etc. Mr. Independent he is. And while Disney may be as kid friendly as you get. The one thing that they didn't have was kid friendly utensils. And while its cute to see Logan with an over-sized fork, at the same time its a lot less of a cleanup, both for us and the waiters if you bring your own. Not to mention its great for breakfasts in the mornings. And don't forget to grab a couple of them. I can't tell you how many times Logan drops his fork on the floor in a single sitting
Patience-I mentioned this last year. But this is well worth a reminder. Patience is key. I have already come to terms that not everything is going to go smoothly, there will be meltdown and tears. There will be moments when he isn't feeling it. And I am not having it. But this is all apart of it. I know there will be rides that I won't get to go on, and plans that will have to be changed but this is alright with me. Perhaps because I return to the Magical Place every year. Or perhaps because I have come to expect this...But for whatever reason, patience is the key...without it, it may be a very long unenjoyable time after all.
These are just a few things that one must pack. And in the next two weeks I am sure there will be more tips and trades as I gear up for vacation..
After all, there is still plenty of time to unpack and repack all over again.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Maybe I have a job. Maybe I don't.
At this point it is still uncertain. After last weeks news, I sat there like crazy applying to things I had little desire to do, but figured if they were going to cut my funds I would need to find something like ASAP.
I really don't think I was in my own mind in applying for things. I still am not certain I really am.
And then on Thursday just before I was ready to pack it in for another uneventful day, I was told I needed to start filling out paperwork for a clearance. I could do something for so and so and work under a new group as long as I got one. They questioned why I hadn't gotten one in the past and I didn't give the information that my coworker-their precious one-kept stalling and making excuses. Because at this point it seemed a little elementary to do so. Instead I shrugged and said OK, they said the good news was that they looked as though I would still be employed.
Which meant yes right? I mean nothing to worry about?
Little has been said of anything more. I am filling out the forms and all, but there was no definite yes or no. Did I need to continue to look or no? My husband is convinced that its all going to work out, that we in fact do have the job and that nothing is going to change except the name of my boss.
Why can't I believe him? I would like to. But there is something that holds me up in doing so. Perhaps its the lack of communication. The fact that I don't know anything at all. The fact that I have seemed to have gotten no answers to the questions. And currently feel like I am just sitting here waiting.
For what I don't know.
For them to tell me that I am gone I suppose. I am anticipating this for some reason. No matter what my husband may say, neither of us exactly knows what they are talking about. Sure they could be getting me a clearance but what they haven't said is that they are guaranteeing me that its going to get me work. They said it could not is going to.
Two different things in my opinion.
Perhaps I am not in the right frame of mind to be thinking clearly right now. Maybe I am reading into everything a little too deeply. Thousands of people go day in and day out without speaking to coworkers all the time. It doesn't mean that they are holding anything back.
And Andy may not officially know anything that is going on, he did point out, why would they pour all that time, and money into getting me a clearance if they are going to just let me go in a week??
Maybe I am just upset with myself for letting things get to me as much as it its. I really don't know at the moment.
But something is about to change...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
A month ago my older sister asked me if she could take Logan for about a week.
It is a thing she does with all of her nephews during her summer break. Since she lives a state away, and doesn't get to see them as often as she would like she feels that taking them for the summer gives her a chance to spend that time that she otherwise doesn't get.
I jumped at the chance. I mean just think of all the things I could get done. The house I can clean, the painting that I need to get to. Laundry. My husband. Yes, that's right. I would have a week to do it all. I could sleep in during the weekend. My husband and I could have a date night without the worry of finding a willing babysitter on the first full weekend of summer.
Yes it was going to be glorious.
And if that wasn't enough, I told myself that this would be good preparation for summer camp. Not that Logan is anywhere near the age to consider this. But these two and a half years have flown by as it is. So I may as well start preparing myself.
I would miss him of course. But it would only be for a week, and I knew that he would be in great hands and have an amazing time. After all he would be with his cousins, and heading to the beach. And since my mother watches him on a regular basis, often staying the night from time to time, it wasn't like he wasn't used to staying with anyone other than Andy and I.
But what I didn't take in account, was just how much I would exactly miss him. How this morning when I woke up fifteen minutes before ten, wishing to hear his laughter in the room. Yes it was wonderful sleeping in that late. When was the last time I had? But it wasn't the same. Not by a long shot. Or how I stare at his room, the empty crib wanting nothing more than to kiss him goodnight and his cute little response of love you mommy.
I miss him. Terribly so.
The laundry, is getting done. The painting is getting done. The house is getting done.
But at the moment I would trade it all to hear my son's pitter patter of his tiny feet..
Friday, June 24, 2011
Growing up I was the brunnette of the three of us, I hated it. I don't think anyone is ever really truly happy with what they were born with. But now as an adult, I really love the rich deep color it brings. I wish it wasn't so freezy. I love the fact it has natural waviness/curl to it, but wish that it was a little thicker....I think the happiest I have ever been with it was when I was pregnant.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Staring at my computer screen I looked over the job posting in front of me.
How long had it been since I had even applied for a new job? It feels like ions ago now.
Whether or not to take that leap isn't as easy as I thought it would be. There is no right answer here. No instructions to tell me what exactly I should do here. Its either I do, or I don't.
Its either try and get myself out of here as fast as possible, or wait it out, knowing that I could very well face the possibility of a lay off.
The job force is tough out there as it is, but that doesn't mean I won't find something. Then again if I do wait it out, and they have to lay me off I would probably be offered something.
I went over possible scenario in my head. On one hand I had just been told I should probably start looking five minutes before. And surely, if they tell me this than it means I should start looking. On the other hand, I had heard from another reliable source that they had somehow found a way to make it work and I would be fully covered.
Of course I had yet to be informed of this, which meant as far as I was concerned I needed to start looking.
The job posting stared at me. Taunting me to push the submit button. Why are my hands sweaty? I reread the qualifications, over and over again. Was I even qualified? Was I too qualified?
You know, I hate being a Gemini at times like this...
I remind myself, that by just applying doesn't mean I am going to be hired for the position. Or even get an interview for it. It means I applied. Just and only that. There was no guarantee here. In life there often isn't.
So what would it hurt if I threw my name into the pile? Nothing. It will cost me the two minutes it took to answer some questions and push submit. Nothing more.
And yet I felt this whole sense of betrayal, to my company, to my boss to my colleagues. Granted the boss knows, he informed me. So it wouldn't be a total surprise should he receive a phone call-though he did ask for me to advice him of everything I applied to.- Still with no real time frame of when anything-or if-was going to happen, it wasn't like I needed to actually rush out and start looking.
And what if I get a phone call back? Or an interview? Well if nothing more, it would be great practice. Whats that they remind me in those business classes I took? Interviews are a great reminder and refresher every now and then? Yes. Exactly.
Besides perhaps its time for me to move on.
Though I am so comfortable here. A little too comfortable really. Which is why I don't want to leave.
Ah hell, here goes nothing. Take a deep breath, count to ten and breathe. Just breathe.
I close my eyes and push submit. Before I could talk myself out of doing it.
No turning back now.
Monday, June 20, 2011
wanting to start again?'-Katy Perry's Fireworks.
But then I heard another rumor, that they hadn't found any funding for me, and I was precautioned to at least start looking.
Just in case.
I sat there in the comfort of my cube trying to absord everything. Not wanting to freak. And yet feeling like I had every right to freak out. Every time the door opened I jumped. Expecting it to be the boss to have a talk with me.
It never did.
I was able to breathe again.
And then I began to think, when was the last time my boss even said more than three words to me? Had he? The kid behind me obviously ignored half my emails, and questions and assignments I had sent to him.
Its these little things that I am noticing.
I hated it.
Its like I am that paper bag, drifting just waiting to drop.
I hate knowing that something is coming and yet no one seems to have the balls to come out and say anything about it, or to me. I hate going into work every morning, to complete silence, where I remain in silence for the next eight hours. My Ipod the only thing that keeps me company. I keep coming in thinking is this going to be the day, or tomorrow. I keep thinking at least its one more day that I get paid.
I find myself hesitating to apply, afraid that by doing so I am jumping the gun. Because I don't know what exactly is going on, if anything. And yet I am anxious to, just in case. At least I would have a jump start....right.
Fear is an ugly demon.
I realize I hesitate not only for fear of jumping the gun, but for fear of my own ability. I have done this for so long I doubt I can do much of anything else. Maybe I don't even do that well. I tell myself how stupid this whole thing is. Obviously if they aren't going to want me, why would anyone else want me?? Yes I know this is untrue, and unacceptable to even think. But one finds there confidence shattered in moments like this...
I am no exception.
But I wonder if something shattered can be put back together?
I can only hope.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thought I would try something new on Fridays, besides my usual Friday dance I will now be posting five random questions every Fri afternoon. We shall start today.
1. Your celebrity crush at 10, 16 & now?
At 10, I had this thing for Jason Presley. I don't know why, since my parents didn't allow us to watch 90210 until we hit high school, but I remember sneaking in a t-shirt of him for a birthday present and decided he was it.
At 16, I first got a hold of the 'love of my life' Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys, posters, concerts. you name it. I am sure my parents were grateful they told me to take them down. I still have the border I created of collectible photo-cards boxed away
Now-funny little has changed. I still have the huge crush on Nick. Proving that some things never change.sigh.
2. What TV character would you be and why?
Growing up, I was constantly mistaken for Viki from Small World. I was stopped for autographs and had a few people at school asking how I managed to tape and still stay in school. Though if you ask me, Angela from My So Called Life would have been fun. Great outfits, a hot guy, and a gay best friend...
3. Whats the most embarrassing CD you have ever owned?
Eekk!!!Aaron Carter. From when he was like 7. My love of Nick and the BSB's meant I had to get everything associated with them. I don't even think I listened to it. If I remember correctly I bought it, ran home and hid it under my bed for fear someone would find out that I owned such an album. I shake my head now and think what the hell was I thinking? I am pretty sure I burned it awhile back.
4. What moment in your life would you relive and why?
Just one? Hmm...the day my son was born. I went from being me, to being needed. It was such a great moment. I never thought I could love someone as much. A close second would have to be the day I got married. It was by far, the most perfect weather, the perfect wedding and at the time, I felt the most amazing I think I have ever felt. Beautiful, powerful. At the top of the world. So I guess that makes it two days I would relive.
5. As a kid, what did you think you were going to be and why?
If you would to have asked me at 5, I would have told you an astronaut. But I am pretty sure this was every kids dream. Realistically, I always thought I was going to be a teacher. I loved kids and always wanted to be that kindergarten teacher everyone loved. Though I admit,having the summers off didn't hurt either.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I have been with the same company for six years. Yes a rarity in this day in age. In those six years I have moved from three different offices had a number of different bosses and coworkers. Some of which, would rather have been forgotten than remembered. I have gone from a five minute commute to my current two hour commute. Yes I realize it may not be the fanciest of jobs,then again, being in an administrative position rarely is. Its busy work, its days filled with errands and projects most in the office don't want to deal with. And often at times been frustrating. But I consider myself fortunate in the fact that for the most part, it has been decent, I have held a job and the pay has been pretty good.
This morning I was approached by a certain coworker I have considered a friend for the past five years and was informed that my boss had come looking to see if they could fund me, or if they had any openings for me. I have not been informed of anything going on but apparently they either do not wish to continue me under them or they do not have the money to keep me on. I suspect its the ladder of the two. She asked me if I had been informed of any of this. To which I said truthfully No. But that it didn't surprise me at all. She smiled and told me not to mention anything. They wouldn't tell me anything usually until there was no other choice. They don't want me looking or finding a new position until then. Of course I wouldn't. I handed over my salary, and my resume. She reassured me as I was leaving that she doubts anything will come of it, that when all is said and done. I will be fine, nothing much will change. I am liked, I do a good job and that there is always something for me to do. That of course being said if nothing could be found, that they would have to do the unthinkable, because they had no other option.
I thanked her, trying my best to put on my big girl panties and smile as though I had not found any of this out. As though everything was normal. After all, it was. I had not been told anything that I didn't already suspect anyway.
I went back to my desk, however feeling a hell of a lot different than I did five minutes before. Should I be worried? Should I try more? Should I should I?? I think of the kid in the cube behind me, the one that does our groups monthly financial and know for a fact he knows exactly what is going on. I wonder if this is the reason he hasn't really said to much to me.
I jump online, check to see if the company has any job openings. And then I jump on Monster. Is this even right? Its not like I am being canned, at least not to my knowledge. And it isn't like I am being canned right this moment. But wouldn't it be better to start looking? Maybe this two hour commute would finally be a thing of the past. Then again, maybe I shouldn't worry. They gave me an outstanding review not even a month ago. They are desperately trying to find something for me, or to support me financially anyway. Would looking be jumping the gun? And should I apply, and get a call back? Then what? I mean I get why they don't exactly want to tell me, I have worked in HR long enough to understand the ins and outs of the business. Not to mention, our department, is solely based on contracts and if they aren't receiving any money, then I am not receiving any money. I get this. I have been fortunate, our group has been fortunate that it has never had to come to this, we have been close a few times but we always come out solid in the end. So why worry me if there isn't anything exactly to worry about right now?
And yet at the same time? At the same time, should they not have any funding for me, wouldn't it be better to have something lined up? At least the possibility of something lined up?
After all, it isn't their future they are messing with.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
This past Memorial Day I watched as one of my best friends got married. It was quite the drama filled day. While I won't go into every single detail, I will say the bride's sister/matron of honor dropped out because the night before she had an epiphany of some sorts and told the bride she should not marry the groom. What played out in that next 24 hours would tear the family in to two. Fights between sisters, between daughters and their father and the soon to be father in law and the groom. It seemed as though no one was remembering what the weekend was about, or whom.
There was, as typically is in most weddings plenty of tears. Though the guests had not one clue it was more for the loss of a sister, a friend rather than the fact the bride was getting married. In the end, the bride's sister backed out of the wedding, vowing that until the bride ends the relationship with the groom, and until they move out of their parents house, until these things happen their relationship was dead.
Through it all, I stood along with the two other bridesmaids beside the bride. We picked up where the Matron left off. In that instance we all became the family she had just lost. At the moment, in the final moments of the bridal room, I felt this extreme amount of sorrow for her. For her family. For everything and everyone involved. And even if I had been married for five years, I knew there was no amount of advice that I could really truly give her that would make anything better.
So I did the only thing I could think of, along with my husband who was a groomsman, we vowed that we would be there for her. For them.Whether it was that day, or three years from now. Because as friends, as family that's what we do.
It's been two weeks since that frightful hot May day, and in those two weeks my husband and I are beginning to wonder if making that vow was the right decision. In the two weeks we have become mediators between bride and groom, someone to vent to via text, email and lengthy phone conversations. We invited the groom over this past weekend while the bride took up a babysitting job. But we weren't expecting that we would end up taking him out and paying for his meal, since he is unemployed at the moment. We truly didn't mind this, after all it was our suggestion to take him to dinner with us. But as we talked at the table, he kept bringing up the fact that we needed to get together, hang out more often.
During the visit he asked if it would be ok if they could use our place to crash when they need to escape from his in-laws house, and asked to chauffeur them to the airport for a 6 o'clock flight on a Tuesday morning for their honeymoon, they would need to leave their car here for the week and be picked back up that following Tuesday at midnight.
Neither my husband nor I knew what to say. On one hand we didn't exactly mind hanging out with them, being there for them we were beginning to wonder how much is to much? And when does it begin to cross the line from friendship to being used completely?
And should this be the case, how does one stop it from continuing?
Friday, June 10, 2011
That is, until yesterday morning.
When he woke, and his entire eye was pink. Great on top of the sniffles he had earlier in the week, I am thinking the worst. Pink eye. I mean what else could it be right? Still it wasn't enough to really do much of anything and Andy didn't think I needed to freak out. So we brought him to my mother in laws and went about our day.
I get a call from Andy just after lunch.
My MIL had taken Logan to the doctors. His eye was now completely swollen, and she was getting worried. The doctor thinks he was bitten, but what no one knows. He was at the pool so probably a bug or a spider.
By the time we get over there yesterday not only is his eye swollen but the entire area around it is as well. Its puffy, and swollen and Logan is looking like he was in a fight. He was given medicne to relieve the symptoms and hopefully heal things up. We are advised to call back if it doesn't look any better or gets worse in the next couple of days.
But that's not going to happen.
But as of this morning, when I left him at my mothers, the eye I swear is looking even worse.
How I don't know, but it does.
As a mom, I feel horrible. Because I know there isn't a whole heck of a lot I can do. But as a mom that doesn't have any leave time built back up yet, I feel even worse. I can't take off to be there for him. I have to rely on my in laws or my own parents to do that.
What about Andy?
Andy is a great father, he loves Logan more than I think he has ever loved anyone. But when it comes to taking a day off for him, he always seems to think that somehow Logan isn't all that bad, and he doesn't need one of us to stay home. He has my mom, and Andy's mom. And why should he take off when he doesn't need to. Sure if this was an emergency. Or if he truly was sick, well then perhaps this would be different. Besides, I can take off just as easily. So while I struggle to come up and save hours in the likelihood that one of us will get sick, he saves it up.
Sick leave that is.What he does with it all is beyond me.
Though I suppose I shouldn't be so hard on him. Logan isn't truthfully that sick. And he doesn't really need us at the moment. That much is true. He just has a swollen eye in which we can do little to nothing for anyway.
Still that doesn't stop me from wanting to be there with him anyway. Its a struggle I try to balance on any normal day. When he is sick, its that much harder.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working. My job, isn't all that bad. Granted the two hour commute into DC sucks, but for the most part it isn't all to bad. Its just the majority of me prefers being a mom. Likes that role more.
Then again, with such a sweet child as he is, who would blame me?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I was asked the other day if I had been keeping up with the playoffs, which are now into the finals. They were shocked when they discovered I really hadn't. A few tempted to feel my head and asked if I needed to see someone about it.
'Do you just not care?'
And here is the thing, it's not that I don't care. It's just. I don't. Not really. After our team is done for the season, so are we. My husband is on vacation for the summer and we really have no reason to follow them. I don't care who wins-though for the record I am rooting for the Bruins, Andy is rooting for the Canucks. The outcome will have little effect on our household. Though it has become a friendly rivalry between the two. In the long run, whomever wins, good for them. We will celebrate it for the day or two before moving on. Its just the way it is.
Yes I have watched a few of the games. Here and there. Mostly in pieces or in highlights. I saw the nasty hit Rome did on Horton. I have my own opinions and views on such a thing. I will comment away.
But I don't find the need to revolve my schedule around the playoff schedule. Not like I did when the Caps where playing. During the off season, I just don't find the need to do much of anything hockey related.
Not until September.
Sometimes the break is so nice. The break of not hearing about it. Not living every waking moment around hockey...
Does this make me any less of a fan? Does this make me a horrible fan? Doubtful. I don't think I am the only one that could really care less about such a thing once their team is out.
I really don't think there is a crime in this. Don't think that by not following the playoffs that this makes me any less of a fan actually.
Not at all.
Even the craziest of fans need a break from the sport.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I have never seen so many drunk, bra less, bikini topped plus size women. While I gave them power for being that confident in their size, and while I do not hold anything against anyone I do believe there is a time when people should not be wearing certain things.
Still whether I agreed or not there where plenty of woman and men for that mattered who disagreed. Though believe me there were plenty of men who decided to bare it all. Including several beer guts.
Unlike the previous night when people rushed right into the arena, this crowd took their time tailgating in the parking lot. Which meant, even from my spot three rows back on the fifty yard line I had a pretty good view of the opening acts. And since there was several. Here is my rundown.
1. Uncle Kracker-A hell of a lot tammer than previous years. I blame his rape incident the last time he toured with Kenny. I wasn't impressed.
2. Billy Currington-A lot cuter on the screen than in person. He had a little more energy than Kracker but still could have done without him in the long run.
3. Zac Brown band-This band was all the hype leading up to the show. I guess I could see why, they did a great rendition of Devil Went Down to GA, and a pretty incredible America the Beautiful. Air Force one flew over it right after it was done. It was pretty sweet. It wasn't even planned.
And then came the man. Now I have seen him year after year and I never get tired of it. Even if for the majority of the part the sets are the same, the songs and the graphics are the same. But this year, was a little different. He had added some new songs from his new album. I love when the entire crowd-which was well over 50,000 plus sing, and you can just hear us. I love watching him look at the crowd in total awe...yes one guy really can pull off a packed stadium. And with every year I always find the one or two songs that I wish wouldn't end. I suppose mine for the year were.
1. Summertime-my personal anthem
2. Anything but mine-Crowd participation is amazing.
3. Somewhere with you-Great addition this year.
I could listen to him all day long and always find that the time up on stage is always way to short. Especially this year. All I wanted was for him to sign on and on and on. But I thought his set was cut really short this year.
I wondered why.
Until the encore, where he usually comes out for one song, She thinks my tractor's sexy. But this year, not only did he not do just one song, but he did about six extra songs. Which explains why he did a shorter set in my mind.
Still I would have loved six or seven more.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I can't remember much about the first opening act, Ashlynne something or another. From where I was sitting, she reminded me of what Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, and Britney Spears would look like if you morphed them into one person. Other than that, I wasn't to impressed. I can't even tell you one name of any song she sang, though apparently her album is coming out tomorrow. I doubt that is one I am going to be running out to buy any time soon.
As for the second opening act, it was one Jordin Sparks. Who seemed to hush the audience when she stepped out on to the stage, with not one hint of that baby weight. She looks incredible. Reminding me a lot of Janet or Ms. Jackson if your nasty. Dif seemed to have gained some confidence along the way as well. She was a whole lot better than the Ashlynne girl though we all knew who was coming up after her and it felt like it was one of those hurry and get over with we want the men sort of deals. Still a great show.
And then came the main act. The boys we had waited all night for. I looked over at my friend, who agreed to go. And while she put on a great front I know she hated every minute of it. Still she was a good friend and let me live out my 15 year old fantasies for the evening. The guys looked amazing. I had never seen NKOTB even in their peak of popularity, still it was fun dancing along to every move, thank you Burgie.-and pretending that I was 15. Of course I wasn't as interested in them as I was the BSB my sole reason for going.
I had lucked out with tickets, thank to being a fan club member, and when they hit the stage, I realized I was in perfect eye sight with the walk out stage. Turns out they did more from there than the man stage. Making yours truly a very happy camper. There of course was both groups signature songs. For the New Kids, it was Right stuff and Step by Step, and for BSB, Quit playing games and I want it that way. But I will say I was stoked to see them through in some random ones. Ones that I knew from all the number of albums I had collected over the years. Ten Thousand Promises was amazingly beautiful....
And then came the moment. I wrote about my love for Nick Carter the other day. Just remember this, we were sitting there, Sarah and I. Watching New Kids sing, when they rope off our seats. Not really getting things we continued to watch the show. When Joey of NKOTB comes out and stands in front of the section in front of us. Sarah and I, were fortunate to get the 3rd and 4th seats on the end so we had a primo spot to see him. Girls were freaking out, even I myself thought this was pretty cool. I wished my sister was there. Turning to Sarah I said the only thing better would have been if that was Nick instead of....and then wait a minute, BSB starts singing but they aren't on stage, they are...and then there he comes walking down the stairs, on our side.
And like that 15 year old I start screaming, and I am quickly being pushed by a thousand other girls who want him. And before I know it I am practically pushed up against the ropes, my hand out in front of me. Shaking. He comes by in a blink of an eye, and my hand is touched by his. I didn't care that it was brief, I don't care that I didn't speak one word to him. I didn't even care that he will never remember it or that I was accidentally pushed into him by the girl behind me that told me it was her life's mission to touch him-which I thought back off bitch, its everyone's life's mission-all that mattered was I touched him. He touched me!
I swear to never wash this hand again. As my life is now complete.
Friday, June 3, 2011
So here I go being all fifteen again. I really thought by the age of thirty one that I would have handled this whole crush thing a lot better than I do.
Apparently not. All you need to say is one name and I am a total goner.
Now, I would have thought that I would have somehow moved on, gotten over him and forgotten it all together. Considering I am married, I am pretty sure my husband wished this as well.
But alas, it appears as though I have not. Nick Carter still does it for me. I still ran to the computer back in December and waited until the moment that clock struck ten in the morning exactly, before logging on and searching for the tickets to the NKOTBSB show in DC in June. At the time it seemed like an eternity away. I still kept hitting back until I found the tickets that would get me as close as humanly possible. After all, I needed to be able to see his pores, the blue of his eyes. I needed it. Just as much as I needed air. I didn't give up until I had no other option, and got three rows back from the seated section. No, maybe not as close as we dream of. But its a hell of a lot better than the nosebleeds. Besides, who wanted to stand all night anyway? And I still counted down until this very night when they nine guys hit the stage. As if I was fifteen and in high school again.
There is no doubt I am the only one doing so. Whether they want to admit it or not. I know I do not stand alone in my boy band pride. The show is sold out and has been for months now.
But unlike so many shows in the past, I don't have my partner in crime to be fifteen with. My co partner who got married last week and while she is waiting to go on her honeymoon until later this month, thought that it was to early still to leave her husband. Afraid I was going to end up going on my own I convinced another friend she would just have to go with me, even if its for the enjoyment of having loads of amo to hold over my head for the next several years to come. Well that or it was she was going to be dragged to Kenny Chesney tomorrow, and since country and her never seemed to fit she picked the lesser of the two evils so to say.
She will have to be my co-partner in crime.
Though I fear she will have to be warned. If she hasn't already.
There is dif a little bit of a different vibe than it used to. I am no longer that fifteen year old girl who dreams of marrying Nick, I won't be wearing tube tops with his name across my chest, and the jeans that I made for their concert a decade ago. Instead there will be beer bottles and alcohol. There will be middle aged women swooning over their love for the NKoTB, whom my older sister followed. Ten years ago, you wouldn't catch a man coming ten feet within the arena they were even playing, now their will be husbands and wives, and boyfriends and girlfriends. And there will be daughters with their moms who were barely alive when I want it that way was a huge hit. They will make me feel old. There is no doubt about that one.
And yet, there will be ladies like myself, who are in our late twenties and early thirties, who followed them back then, and still follow them to this day. I am sure there are still a few out there that hold out hope that they will still marry Nick. How can they not? Even myself still dream of it. Though I know how unrealistic that is. Still, we hope. We dream. We still remember their every dance move, we will dance in the aisles, and in our seats and anywhere else they will allow it.
And pretend that for one more night.
We are still fifteen.
And anything is possible.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Its summer and it has arrived.
Now we all knew it would. As it often does this time every year. But this year, it seems to have come on that much faster. A little over a week and a half ago we were sitting somewhere in the 70's. It was nice we had spent weeks in the 60's. And then we woke up and within a day, it went from low 70's to mid 90's. Just like that. There was no warning, or even a happy medium. It went from warm, to blazing hot.
Hard to believe considering it seems like yesterday we were complaining of it being cold, dealing with a ten hour commute and wishing for summer to return.
And now its here. And what are people wishing for?
That's right. It seems if you are in the DC area you are not happy with whatever weather you in. If its cold, you want the heat. If its hot, you want the cold. No wonder half the politicians can't get along. Think about it, they are just as fickle as the residents of the area.
But as for I, who hates the cold. I welcome this weather. I love the feel of the sun on my skin, love the fact I don't have to carry a coat, a hat and mittens all over the place. Love the fact I am not running from my car to the store because it is unbearably cold. Yes it is hot, yes it is at times horribly so. But at least we aren't fighting ice and wind and snow.
And while the others will complain, the only thing I will complain about is that summer is often to short, to fleeting and the winter really is just around the corner. The thought, as it often does depresses me.
Which is why I try not to think about this. Focus on this. Instead I will enjoy the sun. I will stand out on my non smoke break and bake in the sun. And I will say:
Bring it on.