Unsettled.

I have been with the same company for six years. Yes a rarity in this day in age. In those six years I have moved from three different offices had a number of different bosses and coworkers. Some of which, would rather have been forgotten than remembered. I have gone from a five minute commute to my current two hour commute. Yes I realize it may not be the fanciest of jobs,then again, being in an administrative position rarely is. Its busy work, its days filled with errands and projects most in the office don't want to deal with. And often at times been frustrating. But I consider myself fortunate in the fact that for the most part, it has been decent, I have held a job and the pay has been pretty good.

This morning I was approached by a certain coworker I have considered a friend for the past five years and was informed that my boss had come looking to see if they could fund me, or if they had any openings for me. I have not been informed of anything going on but apparently they either do not wish to continue me under them or they do not have the money to keep me on. I suspect its the ladder of the two. She asked me if I had been informed of any of this. To which I said truthfully No. But that it didn't surprise me at all. She smiled and told me not to mention anything. They wouldn't tell me anything usually until there was no other choice. They don't want me looking or finding a new position until then. Of course I wouldn't. I handed over my salary, and my resume. She reassured me as I was leaving that she doubts anything will come of it, that when all is said and done. I will be fine, nothing much will change. I am liked, I do a good job and that there is always something for me to do. That of course being said if nothing could be found, that they would have to do the unthinkable, because they had no other option.

I thanked her, trying my best to put on my big girl panties and smile as though I had not found any of this out. As though everything was normal. After all, it was. I had not been told anything that I didn't already suspect anyway.

I went back to my desk, however feeling a hell of a lot different than I did five minutes before. Should I be worried? Should I try more? Should I should I?? I think of the kid in the cube behind me, the one that does our groups monthly financial and know for a fact he knows exactly what is going on. I wonder if this is the reason he hasn't really said to much to me.

I jump online, check to see if the company has any job openings. And then I jump on Monster. Is this even right? Its not like I am being canned, at least not to my knowledge. And it isn't like I am being canned right this moment. But wouldn't it be better to start looking? Maybe this two hour commute would finally be a thing of the past. Then again, maybe I shouldn't worry. They gave me an outstanding review not even a month ago. They are desperately trying to find something for me, or to support me financially anyway. Would looking be jumping the gun? And should I apply, and get a call back? Then what? I mean I get why they don't exactly want to tell me, I have worked in HR long enough to understand the ins and outs of the business. Not to mention, our department, is solely based on contracts and if they aren't receiving any money, then I am not receiving any money. I get this. I have been fortunate, our group has been fortunate that it has never had to come to this, we have been close a few times but we always come out solid in the end. So why worry me if there isn't anything exactly to worry about right now?

And yet at the same time? At the same time, should they not have any funding for me, wouldn't it be better to have something lined up? At least the possibility of something lined up?

After all, it isn't their future they are messing with.