Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Sister Sister


Its a rare occasion that I stop to think about my relationships outside of my marriage. Especially when it comes to my sisters. Sure I love them, the way that most sisters love one another. I assume I am not the only one when I say that it is at often times a relationship that has its ups and downs. And often taken for granted.

But after this weekend, when I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends wedding, I walked away with a better appreciation, a greater love for my sisters. While I don't want to get into great detail, out of respect for the Bride I will just say that she lost her sister by the end of the weekends events. When the sister/Maid of Honor decided to tell her the night before the wedding that she shouldn't be marrying her now husband. What soon played out was a series of events. Of fights, and name calling and of pure moments of bitchiness. I watched as though I was having an out of body experience, as if I wasn't in the room but above it. I didn't know what to do. There are things that most bridesmaids are prepared for. Crying brides. Crying fathers. Wedding day jitters. But never do they prepare you for this. For World Wars among family members. Among sisters.

I watched as the relationship between the two fell apart. I knew there would be no going back for either one of them. And as the Maid of Honor left for the final time, throwing the dress out of the window as she did so I silently thanked the lord for giving me the sisters I have.

Sure our relationship at times has its ups and downs. We fight, we get pissed off at one another and don't want to talk for awhile. But never in a million years would they do such a thing as start a war so deep that it splits the family. Especially not on my wedding day. They would not stand there and tell me on the night before I was to get married that my husband was what this woman was calling him. They would not wish me ill and wish for me to choke on my cake as I heard. And they would not ruin the very day that was to be my own.

I know this without a doubt.

I sent a message to both of them after the event, making sure they knew this. I wanted to give them hugs, but was on my way back and had no way of doing so virtually. I know they aren't perfect and I am sure we will piss each other off.

But I am pretty sure my friend would trade my sisters with her sister any day.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Five Year Wedding bliss.


Five years ago at this moment I was sitting in my parents house, soaking in a bathtub bubbles up to my neck. Nervous. In a few hours friends, and family would be arriving. I would be heading down to Old Hickory and in a few hours I would be getting married.

Five years ago today.

How those five years have flown by. Somehow in the blink of an eye, we are no longer that newlywed couple we were back then. We are no longer, Andy and Aleisha, but husband and wife, mom and dad. And yet, there are times. Often even when those five years seems rather like ions ago rather than years ago.

I look at my husband now, not as the man I married that hot Memorial day weekend, but as the man he has become. The father he has become. And I am in no less infatuated with him now as I was back then.

Those blue eyes are still the same amazing blue they were that day. I still love when they are smiling at me. And the ring on his finger, hasn't been off his finger since that day. He refuses to take it off. Even after I have done so with mine on certain occasions. I often feel as though this makes him more devoted to me than I to him.

We are older of course. The daily life routine is just beginning to play out on his face. As I am sure it has on mine. I know he worries about it, even if he doesn't say it. I watch as he counts the gray hairs in his chin, a new one pops up once or twice a week. But it has only made him more defined than older.

Even if he doesn't think so.

I know from time to time I may dream of young buff guys in their early twenties, bare chested and ripped and from time to time I catch myself even drooling over such a man. And I know my husband looks at his own oddly shaped body, with a baby shelf and sausage toes and he thinks that the twenty something is what I would prefer. But what he doesn't see is the way he looks in a suit, when he comes down the stairs, a pair of dark sunglasses on. Or the way he looks when he is holding our son in his arms, their silly laughter filling the house with joyful glee. How I would take that over the young buff any day still.

Five years ago today.

I didn't know the challenges we would face yet, the hardships that would come on, and that will still come on. I only saw the man who is now my husband at the end of the walkway, waiting for me. I didn't yet know of the happiness that would fill our lives. Of the child we would have now. No I did not know any of this. I just knew that these would all be with him someday.

And yet its been five years.
Just like that.

Those someday's have become yesterdays, and todays. And tomorrows. And how they are flying right on by.

I was asked the other day, if I had thought I had made the right choice. How there are often couples, husbands and wives who find themselves doubting their decisions. Thinking that perhaps someone else is out there better than whomever they are with. And I thought about this, not for the reason that I was doubting anything but rather for a moment to recall. Recall the good the bad and the ugly of these past few years.

No it hasn't been perfect. Not everything is what they say its going to be. Its not roses, and flowers and romance all the time. Its hardships and struggles. Its fights and disagreements. Its lies, and hurt. And yet, there is joy and happiness and moments of pure bliss. And maybe it doesnt have to be perfect. Perhaps that is not what marriage is about really.

In the end of the day its about love. The way that someone makes you feel. Its about safety and comfort and the fact that, that one person knows you better than anyone else does. Its the way, no matter what is going on in life they are there for you. To stand by you, to support you. To pick you up. Its about love, the kind that changes over the years. From infatuation to puppy love, to new love to comfort love and beyond. Its about love, in whatever form it may come in. It has always been about love.

And as I stood there thinking of all of this, I thought about this love. This life. I tried to envision myself with someone else. Calling someone else my husband. Even if there were other guys I found attractive, I had flirted and hoped for all those years ago, when it came to answer it, in that moment. I couldn't think of one other person I could see as my husband.

For he is it.

He is love.
And in the end, that is all that matters.

Even after five years...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Blowing candles in the wind.


Last year when I blew out thirty candles I was no nervous, scared or excited. It was just another year. Unlike several others turning thirty was not something that I could have cared about. Nor did I dread it.

Of course I didn't know what laid ahead either.

1. In August, a major car crash totaled my brand new Hyundai Sonata. But my son, my husband and I all walked away from. As I watched them take the car I wondered how we could have survived.

2. Then come the end of January, I entered the ER of Reston hospital complaining of unbearable stomach pains. One emergency surgery and a week in the hospital later, I had 17 inches of a knotted colon and an appendix out.

3. I returned to work in March and was back for two and a half weeks before having the same stomach issues once again. It was back to the hospital, another surgery to fix a twisted small intestine and another week plus in the hospital.

I finally returned to work the beginning of May and by the looks of it, am in the clear. Thankfully.

Had I known then, what I know now maybe I would have dreaded turning 30 a little more after all.

But of course I didn't.

And so now, I turn 31. Once again I do not dread it, or fear it. But hoping that after what I went through at 30, 31 treats me a hell of a lot better.

Here's hoping.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Baby Boom


Five years ago everyone I knew was getting married. One by one we became Mr. and Mrs. happily. Then a little over two years, things moved from Mr. and Mrs to and baby.

I sat there, shifting from one Facebook profile to another cooing and ah-hing over the little ones pictures. Finding it hard to believe that we were in this stage of life. Wasn't high school yesterday? Weren't we all graduating, heading off to college and vowing to never lose contact with each other? And now here we all were, the same kids becoming parents ourselves.

At record numbers.

I remember having several conversations with my husband. We always knew we wanted two kids. And while everyone seemed to have an opinion on the matter we made the decision to have our kids a little further apart than most. And by further apart I mean 3 to 4 years. I will admit this is due in part to my physical disability. Without the use of my right hand, handling one would be difficult enough. But having two in diapers would be that much stressful. On them, on us. My husband actually agreed.

It is one of the few times we have actually agreed to anything so easily.

The second conversation was when to start trying. It scared the day lights out of us, the thought of having a kid. It always is. No matter how prepared you are. Financially mentally, it doesn't matter, are you ever really fully ready to add to the world's population?But we agree to start trying. Perhaps it was due to peer pressure, or the fact that my plan had always been to have a kid at 28. Why 28 I don't know but it was my goal anyway.

So we start. I can't remember much of the details of what we were feeling when we started. Nerves and questioning everything we did. But we were ok, I mean we would have time to think about it, not like it was going to happen over night anyway. After all, how often did it happen on the first try anyway? We heard from several other couples that it took them months if not a year to conceive. So why would we be any different? We were patient people.

Well the joke, was on us. It turned out we had that one couple that everyone hates. The couple that get pregnant without really trying to get pregnant. Ready or not we were going to be parents.

The moment I stepped out of the hospital that February day back in 2009 I was asked about my next kid. I was being wheeled out, holding my bundle of joy, delirious happy and yet sore. And all they could think about was when was I going to have another one. Seriously? I hadn't even been cleared to have sex again. At that moment I think I could have really cared less about having another kid. At that moment I think if you had asked me I would have told you hell no in fact.

Flash forward two and a half years, and that bundle of joy is now two and a half years old. I am no longer getting how is the baby anymore when I run into coworkers and friends. And whenever I do get on Facebook it seems as though someone else is popping up and announcing that they are expecting.

Again.

Causing me to realize I have entered that stage. The stage where those kids in high school are now having their second kids. This of course is to be expected. It's not like I didn't know this was going to happen. Just as much as I should have expected for the questions to start being directed my way.

When are we having another one? Well, your son is now two and a half. You don't want to much of a gap between ages.

I get those looks from coworkers, the ones were I suspect they are looking for a baby bump ready to pounce at the first sight of one. I try and answer the question lightheartedly, knowing that when it all come down, its ultimately my husband and my own decision.

As far as we are concerned our plan is still in tact. And will be until we are fully ready to add to the table of three.

Of course try as I might it seems as though my plan is not good enough. It doesn't matter that I had two emergency surgeries in the past three months. Or the fact that I am still in school. No, it doesn't. They want a baby.

I'm going to be honest here. The thought has been on my mind a lot lately. Blame it on the fact that the baby flu is pretty contagious right now. I look at my son and think where did my baby go? And then there is another thought, which was slowly creeping in but is becoming more annoying, I want another. No I am not about to jump ship on my plan. I need time to recoup from the surgeries. I don't think my body or I am really ready to go through it again. And while they may not, I am perfectly happy with an age gap. It is what I have always wanted for my children.

But damn if this flu doesn't have me somewhat reconsidering it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Zilch


To say I have lost a lot due to the two major surgeries is an underestimation. I have pay, vacation and sick hours. I have lost money. But most of all, and most apparent is weight. Before for the surgeries I was comfortable at a size 2, already small I didn't think I needed to lose any weight to begin with.

But being in the hospital twice, a week each time. And little food has brought me down to a double zero, zero if I am lucky. Yes I said it. Zilch. Nothing. I now wear the size not even many fourteen year old's wear.

Great right? I know your thinking if only I could be that tiny, things would be a hell of a lot different. Well they are. Yes I can go shopping in junior departments, at times even kids. Yes I can get things cheaper and wear some really cute things.

But I am thirty. I am not twelve which means wearing things that are appropriate for twelve isn't exactly appropriate for thirty. While finding every day jeans, t-shirts is fine, even manageable. Though a little embarrassing when you are in a fitting room next to a woman and her daughter and your trying on a size smaller than her daughter.

But try to find anything work appropriate and you have a whole other issue.

Apparently most stores haven't seen a size 0 in quite awhile. And those that do, carry just about one at a time, once its sold. Yeah good luck with finding another. Sure I can go, order them online but then I get to pay shipping and handling, which means those 90 dollar work pants become that much more. While it may not seem that much to some and while we are in most ways financially comfortable I have never been one to drop money on expensive clothes.

This probably explains why for the past two weeks since I have returned to work I have worn clothes that are now falling off me. My favorite pair of work pants hang on me so much that I look like something right out of MC Hammer's 'You can't touch this' video. And while I could continue to do this, for in truth I could gain the weight I lost back. At the same time, there is no guarantee that I will, or when. Call me crazy but at times I want to wear clothes that once again look good on me, that make it appear as though I am no longer sick, and that I do have, while slender and stick thin, still a figure.

So while many may not agree, being a size 0 isn't exactly what its cracked up to be. At least not when you are in a work environment. In fact, its just a big of a pain as say someone who wears a plus size.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A week out.

A week later, life goes on. Andy shaved off his playoff beard with two minutes left in the game. Obviously bummed neither of us spoke much about the playoffs. Not for awhile. We needed time to let things absorb.

Here is the funny thing. When it comes to the end of the season, it stings. It hurts. Neither of us really know what to do. But this only lasts for a day or so. After that?

Well after that we realized just how much more time we now had on our hands. The bathroom actually got painted. We went out, as a family. Had dinner together. Went shopping. Saw family together that in the past several months hadn't seen us. At least not together. And despite our departure in the hockey world. We realized life goes on. Really it does.

Its these first few weeks after the end, that life is wonderful. We are once again happy. Andy actually seems to pay attention to us, and to things a little more. We smile, we laugh and the entire stress of the past nine months has evaporated.

Its really lovely in these weeks.

I know it won't last long. The summer often flies by way to fast. And once more I will lose my husband to the sport once again. But for now all I am thinking about is summer, blowing bubbles with Logan in the sun and my husband.

And the life we have.
Which for these few months, isn't as bad as it seems.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The end. 2010-2011 season.

Lets review how I feel at the moment.

Numb
Disappointed.
Drained.

After such a great first series, to see my team get completely fall apart and get swept is beyond heartbreaking. It cuts you right down to your soul til you can't breath.

Just imagine how they are feeling right.

I could, like most of my fellow caps fans out there get pissed off, turn in my fan card and never speak of the team again. I could demand the coach to be traded. Swear that if we don't get rid of so and so then I am no longer going to be a fan of the team. Lets not pretend we don't know what I am talking about. Believe me, I sat there on twitter last night in amazement at the number of fans that were doing just that. There was no giving the team any credit for anything. A problem I find we have with most teams here in DC. Apparently you don't win a cup, a superbowl a world series your season was unsuccessful. You suck and the entire team should be fired.

Am I upset? Yes of course. How could I not be? Perhaps its twice as hard for me since Andy, works with the team. Another words this is not only my team but its the families life. I sit there through seven months of games. Seven months of mood swings, of pure ups and pure lows. I listen as my husband goes on and on about this and that, or as this case this year when he got to travel with the team who he talked to, how Brads and he talked about kids and how Ovi high fived him. Seven months leading up to the month of April. When the nerves kick in around the house, when the word playoffs loom over us. I sit there during that month, debating or not planning vacations is a good idea and declining weddings because we aren't sure if or were we will be. But as always I plan for the this is going to be our year sort of thing. Just as I do every year. And when they lose, we lose. I lose. Suddenly all those months of thinking, of being positive go down the drain. Leaving me with a what to do next. Call up those RSVP's for the weddings and say wait a minute?? This feeling leads to a feeling of anger. Because I am pretty sure they promised us things would be different this year. They swore it would be. And yet, it isn't. And I have spend now eight months of my time, of my families time devoted into these thoughts. Into this belief that this year was going to be different.

But at the same time, I am tying to keep things on the bright side, because at this point, its better than mopping around knowing that it wouldn't change anything by doing so. There is ofcourse the obvious, having the hubs back until sometime in August, things may actually get done. My son can enjoy the weekends with him. That kitchen will actually get painted. My marriage will be healthy for the next few months. But this I realize is not about the Caps, so lets get to it. The fact that we have a kick ass goalie, who is young, and eager. And despite the series, rather good. No scratch that. Great. He is going to turn into quite the player and I am thrilled and look forward to the road ahead.

We have two other young goalies who are incredible in their own right. A three great goalie dilemma doesn't sound so bad after all. There's Carlson, and Alzner. And Green and Ovi who maybe didn't have his best year ever but just the mention of his name seems to put a smile on my face. There are others I could list, but there is only so much room to write.

Whether all or any of these players return remain to be seen. But I will put my trust in organization to do what is right.

We got into the playoffs, hear me out, at one point, we weren't even winning games. We lost 8 in a row. Things were looking all doom and gloom back then. People began to doubt us at all then. And yet we managed to pull it around and come back to get into the playoffs. Not every team can say this.

We weren't the only ones to get our asses kicked by the Lightning. Remember Pittsburgh? Yeah they got theirs handed to them as well. And they were ahead in the series, at least we were down. But they were one game away from winning. And when they lost, they lost big time. Remember the 7-2 loss in game 1? Yeah we aren't the only ones here.

So sure we lost, yeah its another year of not holding that trophy up. But next year it starts all over again. And you better believe my ass will be there.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Good Redience.

Last night, just after the Caps lost their second straight playoff game, word got out that President Obama was going to make a huge announcement. Rumors began to spread that it had something to do with Bin Laden.

And so, like everyone else in America I flipped to our local station, and waited while the commentators talked. And then the word came...

9 and a half years after 9/11, Osama Bin Laden had been killed. His body dropped into the middle of the ocean so there could not be a burial, no a memorial for him. Across America people began to gather. At ground zero, at the Pentagon. At the White House. Rejoicing in the news that America's biggest threat was suddenly silenced for good.

And what did I do? Sit in front of my television. While I was amazed and thrilled that he was taken out I couldn't help ignore this nagging question. What next? Sure he was taken out but I am not so naive to know that he didn't have a number two. A second in command. And doesn't this just me they will be out for us that much more? When? Shall I have to fear even more now that something will happen. I hate to think of it, but can't help it either.

Still it was a great moment, a moment that I will look back and be asked what were you doing the day Bin Laden was killed?

My answer:

Well it was a Sunday, the Caps game was just finishing and I was trying to figure out what to wear to work the next day.

Sociable