From the puck to the world.

How does one make themselves happy?

I have not been happy lately. I would like to deny this, but the truth is, I haven't. I could say its this, and I could say its that. But the truth is, I think its a little bit of everything. And none of it makes sense. Or perhaps it does and I just don't want to admit it to myself.

I mean its obvious that work hasn't been making me happy. But then again, does work make any one happy. I mean do people really want to work their ass of for eight hours a day for their entire life. Even those that say they absolutely love their jobs, that they have their dream jobs surely have doubts and moments of pure frustration and dislike from time to time. So yes. I can't say I am the only one that would feel this way.

Still perhaps this feeling, the unsettling not wanting to go in at all is telling me something. Maybe I need to reevaluate certain things. Whether it is my position, or my employer itself. Or the career path. Maybe its telling me something. Just how to figure it out is something totally different. I mean its not like I can wake up and say I do believe I am going to be a pilot today. And it isn't as though I can just be anything without school, and work involved.

Which leads me to school...

I have been on a hiatus from school. Which starts back up tomorrow. Still I can't deny that I just want to be done with the entire thing. I have a total of ten classes left before I graduate. With the pace I am going that is five semesters counting this one. Meaning after this, I have eight classes, and four semesters. Not bad considering what I started with all those months/years ago. And I have to remind myself of this every now and then. I am just so close that I can taste it, I can feel it.

Just keep chipping away, just keep plugging away.

So what's this lead to then?

Is my unhappiness coming from my marriage/family? No, I will not say family. I love Logan with all my heart. I can't think of life without him. I marvel at the fact I got along this far in life without him as it is. So then, does that leave Andy and I? Admitidly it hasn't been the easiest of relationships lately. The lack of intimacy is really beginning to get to me. I don't know if its just that we are to busy, or that we just don't have it any more. It seems as though he just isn't interested in it anymore. Just the other day I was 'feeling' him up and he looked at me and asked.

'What the hell are you doing?'

And I wanted to yell at him, to tell him what do you think I was doing?

Now I realize Logan was up, and alert but come on, take that as a sign buddy. Something.

And while he may not see it, or may not think it, but he does get very fiesty, very anzy very fast. So much short that he gets short with me, and makes me feel like I am not doing the job like a mother should be doing.

I have spoken to him of this. I have had several different talks with him. In hopes that something will improve. As recent as last night. And he just says that he doesn't know where I am coming from and to let him know what he needs to do. And that I should make myself happy.

And that he hopes I make myself happy.

But what if I don't know how myself?