Still after months of denying it. I had to. I did some soul searching in regards to my husband. In regards to me, in regards to us. I wanted, I needed to find some validation that I was right in feeling upset. Towards him. towards us. I wanted a reason to hate us. At least for the moment. I wanted a reason to blame someone else on things.
And so I blamed it on the hockey season, which coming from the wife of someone working in the team, is not always easy. Really I need to do a blog on the whole perceptiveness of things one of these days. I blamed it on the fact that he is not himself during these nine months. Add to that, the Caps hadn't been doing all that well..after an incredible start things cooled off. I blamed the fact that he was always tired, his weight is getting out of control. I blamed it on the fact that he wasn't paying enough attention to anything. I blamed him for the lack of dates we had been on, the lack of anything.and everything
For a moment, I thought maybe this isn't what it should be...maybe something is wrong with us. Later that evening I found myself back on the couch, talking to my husband who now looked at me as if I was the crazy one. And we talked. and talked and talked. While my son was sleeping upstairs. It was the first time in awhile when we had actully put away the phones, and the laptop. Closed twitter and facebook. And just talked about everything. He admitted things weren't exactly fine, as he thought. Admitted he had been just as frustrated with me at times but just didn't know how to say it. Things he assumed I would just know. He brought up my own faults, his own reasoning's to blame me on things.Communication he said again had never been his greatest strength. It was the first time that I took a look at myself and realized perhaps it wasn't just his fault that our lines of communication had somehow fallen a little off to the side lately. But at least he was willing to admit it.
Feelings were expressed that hadn't been in awhile. Tears were shed that needed to be shed. He promised to try harder, promised to do things he hadn't in awhile. And then he asked me something.
Did I want out? He said he was willing to try but this had to be a mutural thing, it had to be the two of us that worked on things.
I stopped for a moment. Did I want out? I didn't enter the marriage to end it. I married for life. It was never going to be an option for me. And yet here he said asking me. Giving me full reign if need be to just up and walk out.
I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I thought about our son, about the past ten years that I had been with him. Yes I would get the freedom back. I would get to be single and wild and free and do all the things I think I missed out.
Then I thought about what it would be without him. What it would be like not to wake up next to him in the morning, to wake to those amazing blue eyes I love so much. Or get to see him in a suit. And No, I didn't want out. What I wanted was to fix this. To fix us. To make things right once again. Because I do love my husband, I gave my life to my husband and just getting up and walking out seemed to be to easy.
The look on his face when I shook my head no was beautiful. I promised things on my own, to try harder to be more open. To encourage him to talk and to be patient. We knew this was not going to be an overnight thing.
But it was a start.
So we vowed once again to work on things together. We promised date nights and time to one another. We promised things that may not even be achievable at the moment but were still thrown out there. To fix this, whatever it is...to realize that marriage is a work in progress and constantly needs to be changed, and figured out and worked on. And things really will be ok, and will work out. And we will be better for it in the end.
Then we sat there on the couch and said the three words that had been left unspoken in awhile.
I love you.
And for the first time in awhile, both of us truly meant it.
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