It should be the easiest thing in the world. Relationships should be easy. Especially when it comes to those you care the most about. Your husband, your wife. Your kids.
But lately it seems that its not so easy, and communication is often not only not easy, but often the thing most lacking in my own relationship. Well that and a few other things but I am pretty sure he would kill me if he knew I disclosed such information on my blog.
Back when we first got together in the early 00's, we had plenty to talk about. We would sit around and talk for hours about stupid stuff. What color we thought the sky would be. OK thats a little extreme but you get my point. We talked just to talk, I loved hearing his voice. The way he said my name. And he in return had plenty to say right back. We would be one of those couples people probably hated. We would go to dinner and talk, we would hang out with friends and finish each others thoughts.
We would sit with friends, and would watch as they sat in silence. And we vowed. We vowed that we would never turn into the kind of couple that just didn't have anything to say. And yet? Well time marches on. You become the couple with fewer things to say I suppose. Though when this started happening I don't really know. Surely before we got married. It turned from talking to one another to just me talking. To me figuring things out. I started hating the fact that he wouldn't talk to me. And so I myself bottled things up. I left things unsaid. I got mad. I just closed things up..And he? Well he just wasn't talking. He was angry. He didn't do much of anything.
Somehow we had began to fall apart.
And then one day shortly before our 'big' day. I think we just stopped talking all together. Whether it was wedding jitters or something else, some underlining problem neither was discussed. Instead we went on as if nothing was wrong. Neither of us said much to each other. Those days were the dark days in our relationship. And neither of us really saw it. We kept telling ourselves everything was fine. We kept telling everyone that everything was.
We tried to make ourselves believe everything was...fine.
Except it wasn't. Somewhere along the lines, the line of communication began to just. Fall. I remember it clear as day. My husband-then just fiance- coming in one evening and saying if I didn't open up to him that we were going to have to postpone the wedding. He had even gone as far as discussing it with his parents who agreed. I sat there on the couch like a dummy. Numb to the whole thing really. And then I looked at him, who was he to tell me I was being the closed up one. He wasn't talking much either...and the only information he was sharing seemed to be with his parents.
I almost walked out that night. I had my shoes on and everything. Though the wedding wouldn't have been postponed as he had wished. It would have been canceled.
Sometimes I look back on that night, on the decision to stay and think what would have happened had I followed through? Had I just left and not looked back.
Its been five and a half years since that cold March night. A lot of things have changed. A lot of things haven't.
The other night I sat staring at my husband who had once again fallen asleep on the couch. He was snoring. I couldn't remember the last time we had had sex. Couldn't even remember the last time we had had a make out session. And then it hit me, when was the last time we had even had a decent conversation that didn't turn into a fight, or was filled with so much tension. When was the last time we had said I love you and actually meant it?
The thought scared the shit out of me.
I sat there, as my husband continued to snore as my two and a half year old son slept upstairs. And I wondered if this was it? If this is how my marriage was to be? One filled with silence, and nothing. And what happened if I wasn't so happy about it?
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