From the puck to the world.

i am not normal right now. i am sad and just feel almost. lost. i dont know why, and in a lot of ways i can't fully explain everything or anything really. but i can try.

i start school in two weeks. and while i usually dont mind going to school. i find the mere thought of it right now drains me, scares me and just does not thrill me. but i also know that i need to get it done. i am determined to finish and see it through. because damn it i have put to much time and effort to just give up on it like that. i keep reminding myself that i have maybe two years left. hopefully anyway. and i can do it. i can hold on just long enough to see myself through it. and its ok if i dont like it right now. i have to remind myself that i haven't been back since december of 08' before logan was born. and i am different now. but i also have to say, that usually when i get in the swing of things, it gets better its just the thought that isn't to exciting. and thats ok.

i have talked to andy about it and he said if i dont want to go, then don't. to stop going. thats all he said.

and then there is work. i like it. but i dont love it. i see my son growing up, and i wish i could be there more for him. to raise him the way i want to and not have to hand him over to others to do so for me. not saying my mom isn't doing a great job for she is. but i just wish at times i could do it.

spoke to andy about this as well. he said, then get a new job. just like that but without a bachelors which i am working on, there isn't to much for me. believe me i tried when the whole fiasco thing was going on over in chantilly and all. it took me how long before this one came up? and do i really need that sort of pressure right now on top everything?

he doesn't understand this. but i do. so it sort of goes hand in hand in a way.

and then there is the fact that i still don't entirely know what i want to do once i graduate....

whats wrong with me?

i was so happy on vacation. i loved it. and all. but i have had a lot happen since returning.

and i will admit these heavy thoughts probably steam from the fact my grandmother has passed, and i am not supposed to be all bubbly and happy. and when i am sad i tend to think heavy deep thoughts.

but i should try to remind myself.

this to shall pass...