Great Disappointments

Disappointed-
 adjective.

depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations: a disappointed suitor.

Its an emotion I have come to know quite well in my thirty one years of existence.  As a child it came when I discovered Santa Claus wasn't real. As a teen when my high school crush went behind my back and made fun of me. Or the time in college, for the one year that I did go away and attend anyway, when my roommate decided to blame me for every little thing she got caught doing, causing me to deal with the consequences, no matter how much I fought against it.

I was told these lessons, these disappointments would not break me, but somehow form me into the person I would later become. They would built character and prepare me for the 'real world.' when people won't care that you are smart, and a hard worker. They will prepare you for a lifetime of letdowns and hardships.

They also told me the disappointed feelings will get, if not easier than at least manageable.The hurt will become easier.  A little easier to understand even. This was all just prep for what would be in the future.

Well I would like to say, whomever told me this all those years ago, I am pretty sure they lied.

Because this afternoon as I got the thank you but no thank you e-mail-really? a simple email these days is all you get? and I sat there rereading it over and over, I wasn't thinking oh yippee! In fact I was pretty sure this deep down, raw gut wrenching pain I was feeling was a lot like the ones I felt all those years ago. This was so not easier like they promised.

Bitches.

I tried to tell myself that it was OK. That I was OK, though sitting on metro I knew I was far from it. True in the past few days I had told myself I wasn't getting the job. I was trying to prepare myself for the heartbreak, just in case. But truth was. I really really wanted that job. I knew I could do that job. I run over the questions and answers in my head. I should have sold myself better, you know tell them I was more than willing to do anything. Told them I was more trainable. I could have at least told them I knew how to do the programs. I should have shaken their hands one more time.Though with only the left, shaking hands has always been an awkward situation for me.  None of these things would have made a difference in the long run I am sure. Espically since apparently they went with someone who already knew the system.

But at least it made the hurt go away. Just a little.

I look at the silver lining of things. I still have a job. Sure maybe I am not all that happy with it. But its a job, its something more than most have right about now. I can apply to the Mickey's Moms Panel once more. I can continue to look. This wasn't the right time, the right opportunity. There will be others. Better even.

And I can start really figuring out Germany in March. My in-laws will be happy.

I do whatever I can to make myself not think of the disappointment I am feeling. Or those that told me this would get easier. At this moment, I am beginning to think those same people had never dealt with disappointment themselves.

Bitches.