tomorrow begins the month of June. Meaning we are halfway through the year.

Yea. This scares me to.

i'm heading to my cousin's college graduation cookout this afternoon. this is a very strange feeling.

why?

because she is the last of us to graduate. no longer can i say i have anyone in the family that is still in school. we are all now officially adults.

when did this happen?

not that it matters, because i knew eventually we would all grow up. but as long as there was one of us in school, well we could say we were kids. we could still say we were young enough to not know any better. and now, well now we no longer have that excuse.

so now we are all adults. and my baby cousin is planning on moving to new york city to per sue a career in theatre. no longer will any of be sporting the i hate my roomie discussions. no longer will any of be talking about the good old partying days with frats and keggers.

instead we will be talking about families, and love. about careers and failures. our fall breaks and summer vacations are things of the past. replaced in stead with interviews and the two week vacations most of us get.

you know thinking about it.
i really don't think any of us will miss those days.

Yesterday, I was saying I had no idea what I was going to do. It's still true this evening. However, as I saved a crisis from happening this afternoon in the office it occurred to me. So maybe I don't exactly know what it is I really want to be doing. And maybe I haven't truly found the right fit.

But for the moment.
What I am doing.
Is enough

What do you want to be when you grow up?

As a child this was probably the easiest question ever. We would get asked, and swiftly answer, doctor, teacher, singer, policeman, a princess, famous. If your like my husband your dreams went beyond anything living instead geared to mechanical things. Like the red fire engine. You could dream big like that and not get laughed at. People around you would support you, love you and tell you you could be whatever you wanted to be. That the world was yours for the taking. You worked your ass off for years, knowing that, that one goal would someday be reached.

And you had time to dream.

But I often wonder what of those that didn't exactly know what we wanted to be? Those of us that were told years ago that it's alright we had time to figure things out. We would find out who were and then we would know. It would just fall into place. Things had a funny way or working out that sort of way.

But what if it doesn't?

I bring this up because it was time for my annual review at work. I sat there in the office as my boss ran through the accomplishments, the improvements and the plan for the upcoming year. he turns to me and says:

What do you plan on doing?

I looked back at him. I had no answer. I have spent my entire twenties trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to do, all the while working in the administrative areas. Its not that I hadn't tried its just, well I just don't know. I haven't had the ambition to do one specific thing. I haven't longed to be something since I was a kid. I've focused on trying to get myself a degree so much that I have neglected discovering what I want to do.

Who I am.

Which leads me back to the question: What do I want to be when I grow up.

The question still has no answer.

For now.

3rd Anniversary.

Its Andy's and mine three year anniversary today.

Amazingly.

When I think about the past years, I have a hard time believing what the past three years have brought on. It has been a ride that has had its ups, the birth of Logan, buying our first house, becoming a family and loving one another. But it has also been a rough one. Andy lied twice about smoking, which is probably been the hardest. I try not to dwell on the negatives because thus far, the positives far outway them. And if I took the time and effort to only dwell on the negative I am afraid I would not be one happy camper.

Not to mention depressed.

But three years. Man, where has the time gone? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was standing in the bridal room waiting for my dad to come and get me. Weren't we just on our honeymoon? There is no way that we could be married for this long yet.

Seriously.

I hate to think how fast the next three are going to go.

But I welcome the ride!

In the past two days, I have come to admire the single parents much more than once had. Andy has come down with a cold/flu in the past forty eight hours. Leaving me to find for myself, and Logan. Not to mention Andy. He of course isn't as hard to take care of as my four month old son. But when a man is sick, I have found they often act as though they are children.

Then again, don't we all.

So since yesterday I have done some packing, cooked dinner made sure Logan has been feed, changed and put into bed. Taken care of Andy, gotten myself ready for work and put in eight hours before calling it a day.

While I have only been doing this for twenty four hours or so. I am already exhausted and I don't know how people, those that have kids and do it all on their own do this on a daily basis. After all, I am only one person with one hand and I am already going insane.

It's not so much the work but the whole doing it on one's own. And taking care of yourself on top of things.

Like I said, I appreciate the importance of a single parent. May you all be stronger than you look.

Its amazing. The amount of crap we accumulate over the years. Since finding out that we got the house, I have been dreading it. It's not the move I don't want to do. For I am looking forward to getting in, setting up. Knowing that it is going to be ours. We can paint, decorate and do whatever the hell we want. But what. So no its not that. Its the whole packing and getting rid of the shit that we have gained over the four years of apartment living.

We have taken this long Memorial Day weekend to start. Considering our closing day is June 11th, and we get the keys that day, and we have to be out of the apartments by June 30th. We need to at least start thinking about it. So we started.

I have taken five bags of clothes out, and five bags of trash. And yet I look around and there is still there to my utter amazement crap that needs to be determined if it goes or stays. And while I know we are getting somewhere, at the same time I feel as though we have made more of a mess than we have anything else. Andy assures me that in fact we are getting somewhere. That the place will be a lot cleaner and before we know it, we will see the results for our efforts. Not to forget that we have an almost four month old so that makes everything take that much longer....

One must remember this next time she moves.

Though I have no desire to think about the process again anytime soon.

our past has a way of coming back and haunting us. relationships come back to haunt us. ones have had, ones we never had and ones that we wish we had. sitting there, at brandon's house this afternoon it dawned on me how much we had grown up. ten years i have known him. for ten years i had always wondered, was there something there. was there more that could have been.

it has been a forever question in my mind.

dont ask me what it is, for i am not even sure i can explain it myself. after all, its not like i havent met guys that are just as good as he is. and he isnt the only guy i have had the hots for.

believe me. there is just something about him that always drew me to him.

dont get me wrong. i am totally in love with my husband. he is my best friend. i love him with all of my heart. but with brandon, and i am willing to admit it all now, he was truly my first love. a love that actually never happened. for it never went anywhere other than the whole what if question.

lord for awhile there i think i was so damn hurt that he didnt actually ask me out. that he couldnt see i really liked him. that i wanted there to be more. and when it was, the timing was off. and then i finally gave up and met andy and that was that.

i hated him so much for awhile there that i couldnt even stand to think about any of it. that i wanted to just run from him. at times i thought it would have been best not to have anything to do with him. for surely if i just got a way from him it would be alright.

of course it never was completely alright.i wouldnt talk to him for awhile. i avoided hanging out with him. i did anything to keep my mind off of the whole thing. but everytime, i would, it wouldnt take me long to realize i was missing him. for whatever reason it was. and so i started looking at it, as i would rather have him as a friend than not at all.


so back to today, sitting around looking at our families. he with his. me with mine. and realizing that every thing is perfect the way it was. and how i wouldnt trade andy, logan or anything i have for what may have been.

things just have a way of working out as they are supposed to i suppose.

So I realize this is going to be a total bitch complaining entry. And probably a mute point, since for the most point there isn't going to be a whole lot I can do about any of it.

I have been on this blog site (Kiwibox) since I was nineteen. I have made entry after entry. My entire adult life, has been played out through the site. And while I know it is silly for me to be so upset about something as minor as it going down for two days, and screwing up entries, and days I have made. I am.

Why,

Because I am a writer. Maybe not by profession but I have been and kept a journal since I was in elementary school. Everything major in my life, is pretty much reported through my journals.

And in the kiwi journal I had made almost a thousand entries straight. And for it not to count two days, well its a big deal for me.

So what am I going to do. I dont know. Except bitch and complain on another blog site.

Well there isnt to much I can do.

story time my friends!

seven years ago i was working at a local radio station (Z104). i absolutely loved this job. i wrote about it in kiwi, and from time to time go back to reminisce about the whole experience.

anyway. moving on.

i was the receptionist/assistant to promotions. meaning i greeted any one that came through the front doors, from stars to your average joe. but of course i was not the only one to work at the radio station. and there was this guy.

chris.

ah. yes chris. sales guy chris. young guy.

i remember him fondly. he had blonde hair, blue eyes and was just all around nice looking. i suppose you can say i had a crush on chris back then. i had been dating andy for maybe a year, but still chris was a nice piece of eye candy. if i recall i came back one afternoon and immediately wrote about how he asked me to lunch with him one afternoon after i was eating by myself. i thought i was soooo lucky.

chris left a few months later. not to long after that the radio station closed down, and half of us were let go. myself included.

your probably asking yourself, why am i telling you this. i have a point. keep reading...

flash forward to this afternoon.

its lunch time. im getting myself my lunch together, rich and chicken. i decide to head down to the cafe to grab myself my mid day mojo (caffeine preferably diet dr.pepper) im minding my own business. when i turn. and who by chance is standing there in the kitchen-and believe me it isnt a big kitchen.-

chris.
and he looks just as good as he did all those years ago.

i dont say anything because it has been so long. and maybe it isnt him. but i could swear it is. because well i would know. so i just kind of do my thing and then he looks up. and he smiles.

and omg. its him.

he looks down, and then back up again. and i can see the light bulb go off. he asks if he knows me, i say yes. it dawns on him, the station. we chat for a few minutes. and catch up. he think proceeds to tell me that he opened his own cleaning business and his company cleans our offices. so he is over here quite often now.

i wanted to freak.
he is just as gorgeous as i remember him to be.

after he says, now that he knows he will have to catch up with me from time to time. and stop by.

i walked away smiling..

he remembered me, maybe not by name. but by face. and i just wanted to jump up and say yes!

believe it dif. made my day that much brighter.


you know it really is a small world at times.

House

We found one we like! And we put in an offer/contract. We are told, by many people not to have our hearts set, because this is a multiple contract house. But that isn't rare these days considering the prices of the housing market has dropped dramatically. But we did ours and the way I look at it, we have the same odds as everyone else that is waiting to hear back. And you just never know.

For now, its just a waiting game. Sitting around until mid week which is probably when we will hear back. Or so we are told.

And since we aren't getting our hopes up, I will save time and not discuss in full detail about the place. Other than its a three bedroom four bathroom, with a fireplace townhouse. It is also in the end unit of a nice quiet neighborhood. The kind I had always hoped Logan and any other of his possible siblings in the future will be able to grow up in. The kind that I feel safe enough while Andy is at the hockey games to be by myself in.

But for now, all we can do is sit around and wait.

Which is probably the hardest of all things to do.

We are off to look at some houses. Hoping to have some possibilities by the time we return.

Wish us luck! We may need it.

Lets go Caps

For the second year in a row, the Caps are the Southeast Division Champs.
We are playoff bound once more.
And I will remain a hockey widow that much longer

2 month!

So what did I do for Logan's two months? We landed ourselves in the doctors, with a major case of cradle crap rash. I know what your thinking, all babies get this. And you are right. But what I didn't realize is that this can lead to a rash that has formed from his head to his knees. They also informed me that like his mommy, he probably has some allergy or is sensitive to soap. Great. I am sure this is the first of many things he is going to be sensitive to. After all lets not forget this is my child we are talking about.

And I seem to be the queen of allergies.

We found some ointment that they recommended and have lathered him up with it. Believe it or not, I believe it is already helping. At least so far. They said it should be clearing up in about a week, but that we have to be careful with things from now on. Agsin, no big surprise there.

Two months and its already starting.
Fun!

Not that I am a big prankster.

But happy Aprils Fools day.

My little man will be two months tomorrow. Hard to believe huh.

going to look at houses this evening. it is actually quite possibly, the most draining thing i have done in a long time.

i feel like i am a fish, waiting for my bait.

On random bloggers

I must say I have a fascination of going to the few people I know blogs, clicking on their random friends and reading what they have to say. Random blog reading I suppose you could say. Its fun.
Especially when one is mind boggling bored out of their mind.

Money Money Money...

Tomorrow we meet with the realtor to figure out things. This will begin our official start of looking at houses.

And I am nervous yet very excited about the whole thing.

Wish us luck!

Thoughts on Octumom

I know having eight babies at one time is a pretty big deal. After recently having one, I can't even begin to imagine having eight at a time. That being said, enough is enough. It seems as though we can't go through a day without hearing about this or that. About hearing the latest from the octumoms spectacles. It gets rather old really fast.

The news jumps over everything about her. She went there, she didn't do this. She didn't do that. To begin with I was interested. I don't exactly know why I was. But I was. Maybe because she gave birth to them a week before I had Logan. Maybe because its the only thing that is on anymore. I think we all paid attention to it to begin with. Because lets face it, it was interesting. It was newsworthy.

But now?

Now, who really cares. Aren't we giving her exactly whats she wants by drawing attention to it? Aren't we feeding into the madness by watching it? Isn't the only way to get rid of a pest is to ignore it?

Looking at houses is a scary thing. There are just so many to chose from. Granted they may not be the number they once were, where you had your pick of colors, areas and such. But still, if you are looking in todays market chances are you are going to find something that meets your needs.

And at a hell of a lot cheaper than they used to be.

And what are our needs? For the most part we are looking at townhouses, because that seems to be our budget at the moment. Sure we would love a huge single family house large enough for us and our family. But lets be realistic here. We don't have that kind of money to mess around with.

But we dif. need something that is big enough for us, and Logan and while we aren't thinking of adding on to our little family any time soon we know that eventually we will be. Which means we need something more than just two bedrooms. Something that will be large enough for us to grow more or less. Andy is all about a deck. He wants one. I on the other hand think that if its the difference between ten grand, then I am willing to give it up.

Not that there aren't plenty with decks.

But how do you know which one is the right one? How will we know two years from now we won't hate it? I suppose there really is no right answer here because truthfully nobody can really say this. The best we can do for the moment is look around and find something that will be satisfying to both of us. And while they may not meet every little wish list item.

We can at least hope they have some.