Shopping for the second time around.

It has been 7 years since Andy and I walked in to Babies R Us for the first time with the intention of registering. Back then we eagerly walked the aisle zapping everything and anything regardless if we actually needed it or not. Because come on how could anyone turn down the cutest daddy and me bib? You couldn't. Of course we came out with a wishlist miles long because as first time parents, well you actually need everything.

We learned something in those early days of little man being in our lives. The first, half of the stuff we actually didn't need, that bib, the one we thought was super cute and just had to have, didn't last two cycles in the wash. And third, most baby accessories, were not meant for those with the use of only one hand. That car seat may be beautiful but it requires both hands to unlock and pull the handle up (most of them do.) and that pack in play, the one that is a pain in the butt with two hands, is nearly impossible to do with one hand. Believe me it became just a park and play thing rather than a pack in play, because it was a hell of a lot easier just to keep in stationary than it was to cart from house to house or place to place.

And here I had thought my biggest challenge was going to be changing his diaper with one hand.

Flash forward 7 years now, Anderson and I are standing in the middle of the same Babies R Us now looking for items for baby #2. Once again, the aisles are filled with things we will need again, because lets be honest the things with Logan are either long gone, outdated or were already hand me downs to begin with. And yes there are still plenty of things we probably don't actually need. We make our way down the stroller aisle when woah what do I see? Is this what I think it is? A stroller where all you need to do is push the button with your foot to pop it open, lock it and hit the road! Where was this years ago? I have to test it out to see if it truly does do what they say, and if it is as easy as it appears to be on the instructional video they had going. Wouldn't you know, it is that easy, that sturdy and yes I can do it...I think I am in heaven all over again.

And then they show us the pack in play that you simply push a button and it unfolds, and locks. Meaning yes I can do it. I practically do a little dance around the store. Yes they are pricey, we tend to forget how expensive the baby industry truly is. But I have a decision, do I go for cheaper because it is cheaper or more of a necessity for me because it is something I could actually use? The money just may be worth it. And because of it, the thought only makes me cry harder.

The lady looks at me as if I had grown three heads right there. She is probably thinking its hormones, and I let her think so. But I am crying because for once  I won't have to ask for help. I won't have to get so frustrated with something that I say screw it I will just stay home.

Because for once, something just may cater to me.

So What Are You Going To Do From Here?

A little over a month ago I finally graduated. Yes it was a huge, huge accomplishment. Of course I guess after years of having the question "When are you going to graduate" thrown around it should come to no surprise that it is now being replaced with "So what are you going to do from here."

It is now a question I get asked at least once a day. And it is a question I find I ask myself on a daily basis. Because I thought, I would have known exactly the answer by the time I walked across that stage in May.

But the truth is, there are endless possibilities, and yet not so much at the same time. I promised myself that when I finally finished I would find time to sit down and get back to my creative writing. Vowed that I would even finish at least one of the projects I started years ago. But what I didn't account for was the fact it actually takes time to get your mojo back. It has been months, even a year since I have had such free time on my hands to even sit down and think. Granted I did take the poetry class last fall, but it wasn't exactly the same. And it didn't help me on those written pieces already started. Though it did serve as a good distraction. Still I vow I will get to it, my mojo will once again come back to me.

Then there is my current role, a lot of people assumed I would just up and look, get out of here. But I made a commitment to the company that I would remain here for a year after graduation. While I do not feel stuck in that sense, at the same time it doesn't allow me to explore the possibility until at least this time next year. I am however thankful that they supported me and continue to support me in my decisions. Sure the commute could always be better, but the group of people I support are great. Perhaps it is a  blessing in disguise. Obviously with the recent announcement, I figure it is not the best time to go out and look.

Not to mention, that before I know it, my life is going to change once again. Only for the better. We are excited and thrilled beyond belief. Even if I still go through my panic modes like all of us mommies do.

So perhaps I don't exactly know where I am still going, maybe its a process that is still being worked out and worked on.

Maybe that is all OK. After all life is forever in progress.

And who we are, and where we are going is never finished.

Number 2..here we go.

Well now that the cat is out of the bag, yes the rumors you have heard just may be true. After years of wishing, hoping and asking little  man will finally get his wish of being a big brother if not on Jan. 7th, then by, which is my official due date.

The news could not have been more exciting to him.

I will admit I was extremely nervous to announce this go around. I am older now, as is little man, who will be a month shy of 7 when this one comes along. Yes I know, I have heard the whole age gap debate for years. True it may not work for everyone. And I get that. But it works for us. Maybe we would have liked it a tad bit sooner, but as we all know to well life tends to get in the way. By time we were ready for number 2, I was to close to finishing the degree to actually consider it. So we waited. I am a firm believer things fall in to place when the time is right. In this case, I fully believe it was the right time for us to even explore the possibility of number two, even more so it playing out to actually be expecting.

So how are we doing? When did we know? How did we tell our parents? Questions you may or may not want to know. We found out the first weekend of May, but decided to keep it to ourselves for weeks. And I mean we kept in the sense that I went through my final class, my presentations, my graduation and even my graduation party. I kept it through my birthday on the 22nd.  Honestly I do not know how I did it. Given the fact that unlike when I was carrying Logan this one has me battling morning sickness 24/7...yep that is right, screw just morning but  noon and night as well. We finally broke down and had Logan announce the news to our parents over Memorial Day weekend, yes that means it was almost a month of keeping it to ourselves.

It is amazing how two individuals can be so different from the very beginning. With Logan all I wanted was salt, onions and fruit and veggies that were not sweet but filling (bananas for instance), but this one? Well this one is all about the sweets and seafood, you give me a bag of my beloved pretzels and I will throw them out. And while I still love the fruits, they have to be sweet, the sweeter the better. Unlike Logan who gave me glorious hair and skin, this one find me lacking in the glow and my hair is nothing to write home about. I am assuming this is preparing me for the years to come with now two little ones (or rather one almost big kid and a little one). Believe me I know personalities are just as different with each kid. But I am up for the challenge.

Still it has been incredible. Even if I am running to the bathroom. I feel so incredibly blessed to be given this gift. It was a gift for awhile wasn't sure was going to actually happen again. And while there is still a lot we need to figure out, and it is still relatively early in the pregnancy, I look forward to the joys of the experience all over again.

Goodbye Kindergarten.

So it seems like yesterday I was putting little man on the bus for the first time as a Kindergarten. Oh the nerves, if not for him than for myself. Would he like it? Would he make friends? What about his teacher?

Yet, here we are on the final days of the school year. Now when I put him on the bus he barely blinks at me as he heads off with the group of neighborhood friends. The same ones that not to long ago he never knew lived there. Instead of running to me to give me that big hug before he does so, now he blows me a kiss and does the whole imaginary hug, and I wonder why I was ever so worried about it. He did fine, no he did better than fine he did outstanding.

And it hits me, when he walks off that bus on Friday he will no longer be the Kindergartener, but rather the first grader. As another father said at the bus stop, come September he will no longer be the youngest one at the stop. He will have it down pat.

Lord help us all.

The funny thing is, a couple months ago he said he couldn't wait for summer break. While this still remains true there is a bit of fear in him as well. He mentioned he didn't exactly want to leave Kindergarten. Why? Because he loved it, because he like myself suffers from Peter Pan syndrome, in which he doesn't want to grow up. Because he loved his teachers. Because first grade may be hard.

Somehow, I think he will be just fine....
Come September.

After a long hiatus.

With my both the semester and graduation officially behind me, I suppose it is time for me once again emerge from my hiatus and get back in to the thing I absolutely love, writing. Writing, oh how I have missed you so.

Yes these past couple of months have been a struggle to get through, the amount of work kept me from enjoying parties, weddings and friends get together invites. Though looking back, it was well worth it.

Yes you can go ahead and say I told you so.

And while this post my be short and sweet, be prepared for some upcoming posts in the near future.

I look forward to it.

No I have not gone anywhere.

I realize I am long, long overdue for an update. After all, according to my blogpost numbers and despite the promise otherwise, this year has been lagging in posts.

Truth be told, something had to give. And between finishing the Senior capstone project, the presentation class and the communication class, there isn't much free time.

And that is just school work alone. I will not mention my actual work, which has kept me running around in circles in its own right these days.

I have told myself over and over that I am getting there. That this will all be done and over with before I know it. And in just two months I will not know what to do with all that time on my hand. Thankfully it won't be job hunting as most Seniors find themselves doing. At least that part is working out for me.  But still little at the moment seems to be a consolation prize.

I am also long over due for a break. I know this. I recognize this. But until the end of May there is little I can do about this as well.

So I mutter through things. And my blog updates have to wait. I do hope I am forgiven. I still find time to write for the Disney Driven Life, it is a much needed break from the technical writing and research. But for the moment, this blog will have to wait.

This does not mean I am abandoning it. Believe me I crave creativity. I crave writing again. And I can not wait to be back sharing m life, my thoughts and even some tips and adventures with you.

Just not until then.

Please forgive.

I just want to be done

For years now I have roamed the halls of my universities buildings and listened to fellow students talk about graduation. About being seniors and how all they wanted was to make it through the final semester. I looked at them with envy in my eyes because I never thought I would get there.

I always said well one day. When that one day was going to be I did not know. Still I listened. I envied. And I rolled my eyes when they began to talk about how busy the last semester was. How they were dying to get through because there was so much to do before they graduated. While it seemed like ions away they knew it was fast approaching.  

"I mean can you believe the amount of work they are giving us. Seriously are they trying to kill us. Don't they understand we have a life, and parties to get to. Speaking of which, what do you think I should wear..."

Oh just wait until they get to the real world I used to think to myself.  This would be followed by thoughts  of thinking I would never be like them. That when I was going to finally reach the end of the road I would be so ready to be done that I would be prepared. And I would be on top of things and I would be so thrilled that I was graduating that it wouldn't matter I was going to be awesome. 

Well no longer am I roaming the halls in envy of those that are graduating. As I am now one of those. And despite my ever thinking otherwise I know now, exactly what they were saying. Because this last semester is the hardest. Between the papers and the presentations and everything in between I get it.

I am done.
And for the record I am pretty sure they are right.

They are trying to kill us.

The Presentation Nerves.

I used to be a wonderful public speaker. But then again this was back in high school when my public speaking experience was to get up and act out a children's book in the space of a school's floor tiling during forensics competitions.

Believe it or not I was really really good at it. My most recognized and award winning recitation was of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Even to this day acting out books to little man is one of my favorite things to do.

So you would think getting up there and presenting anything in front of people would be a walk in the park for me.

It isn't.Then again this is not children's book reciting.

What this is determines if I graduate or  not. What this is leading up to is a fifteen minute presentation in front of the university's department heads and facility and whomever decides to show up to watch.  Secretly I am hoping for at least one person I know to be there, for the support more than anything.

It is not pages filled of smiling faces and easy words which I know I can do. And to an auidence that loves me no  matter  what. No this speech is not anything like it.

It terrifies me so.

Even as I prepare for a simple five minute speech for tonight, one in which is simply just a practice of what will be. A lead up to what will follow if you want to call it that. I am already panicking. I am already dreading it.  I can already feel my palms get sweaty, those eyes staring at me. And the teacher judging.

The thought alone makes want to run.

No this is not like the children's book reciting  for Forensics. The kind I was actually good at.

But I will have to learn to deal with it. To get by. Because I need to.Even if I fake it.

After all, the only alternative is to move.

To Australia.

To Logan on his 6th birthday.

Logan and "Miss Nancy!"

6 years ago as I was leaving the hospital they told me not to blink. Apparently I didn't listen because I did and the time somehow has flown right on by. Today, my little man, you are six! Even as I write it the number seems strange to me. Not that I didn't know it was coming, after all I have had a whole year to prepare for it. But it amazes me that we are already here!

This past weekend as we were getting ready to put the final touches on your party you turned to me and said you couldn't wait to be 13. And while I am sure you can't, please don't rush it. Enjoy your childhood. Enjoy being a little boy for as long as you can. Not because I don't want you to grow up (though I would be lying if I didn't admit there is a part of me that truly doesn't) but because childhood truly does go by that fast. Why rush it even more?

Because I love looking at your face when you talk about Disney World, I love watching you count down and get all excited about it. I know this will not always last. Because at six, you can still play with cars and Lego sets and Ovi can still be your best friend and no one thinks anything of it.

Don't rush it.

Don't rush wishing for the school year to end. True the summer awaits, as does the magical trip. But it has been amazing to watch you bloom this year as your knowledge expands. Listening to you go on and on about your daily activities, whether it be about Columbus, Addition/Subtraction or hanging out at the playground with Dylan while at the dinner table is something I look forward to on a daily basis. Your smarts may scare me, but it also makes me incredibly proud as your mom to know you are exceptionally bright.

Just as much as knowing that those qualities I loved as a toddler continue to carry on through your childhood. The kind, compassionate and empathetic toddler is now the same compassionate, caring and empathetic little boy who seems to touch every one around him. I don't just say this because I'm your mom, but you are an amazing little boy, with an amazing heart. Believe me when I say that years from now this will not go unnoticed.

So yes, little man, 13 will be here soon enough. But in the meantime, enjoy 6 and all the magical moments that the year will bring.

A light at the end of the tunnel...

Looking down at the syllabus (the final one of my college career) I only think one thing.

Well shit.
 

What have I gotten myself in to? No, my classmates are not under 20; we are all adults in fact. Most of us are working for a living. We have families and lives beyond the dorms and sororities. But at that moment, staring down at the assignments, the time frames and everything in between, including those dates that are most important it all seems so overwhelming.

This is the beginning of my final semester of college. I suppose we all feel this way when we get to the end. The feeling that there is so much to do (papers, projects and several visual aides to be made). And not enough time to do it in. We are all burned out. We just want to be done with things.  Yes it may be 16 weeks until graduation, but they couldn’t feel farther away if you were to ask us.

Or not far enough away in some cases.

I try to take those deep breathes the professor in class #2 of the evening is talking about. I try to focus on other things. Like the fact the next time I am in Disney World, I will be done completely. I am focusing on Logan’s birthday and how excited he is. I focus on the fact the snow is coming this weekend. Anything to keep my mind (as she says) from going completely bonkers.

None of these work. 

 I listen to others around me, finally able to breathe when I realize I am not alone in my thoughts. The handouts are all overwhelming.  We are all overwhelmed. I am not alone. I get up, introduce myself and wait for their feedback. Nervous for it.

And then it actually hit me.

This is the last first class meeting I will ever have. This syllabus is the last that will be handed out to me. And these people are all in the same boat. They are my last classmates.All of whom are feeling the exact same way, a couple seem to still be a little behind even.  They were freaking out because they felt behind, they didn't know what they were going to do. If they could finish themselves. And a few ask me for help, because as they said I kicked butt in the first half and they admired my work.

 If they only knew I was freaking out just as much as they were.

And suddenly, I think I just may be ok. Yes it is going to be a lot of work, and yes I will curse every filthy, dirty word out of my mouth more than once (to which I will already owe an apology to my family) but I am just about there.  But after that, I am done.

Finished.

I just got to get there.

No rest for this gal.

We all have those weeks, the kind where you seem to be running in circles and fear it will never stop. The kind where you are so busy, by the time you actually get to take that break you just about plop.

Yes this has been my week.  And you know it has actually been rather nice.

Yes I have been running around, yes it feels as though the moment I finish one thing something else is needed to be done.  Everyone wants or needs something. I could complain about it I suppose. After all there are those days when it seems like all I do is sit and wait for something. But I am not. Because even if I am extremely busy, and I feel like I cannot catch my breath or wrap my brain around anything let alone one simple project, well the days? They go pretty quickly.

It beats the alternative.

What is more I actually feel as though I am making a difference and hey I have discovered you can teach someone new tricks. Believe me I have learned a lot of things (which I was supposed to apparently already know), things that will come in handy down the road on so many levels. 

All good things. All good things indeed. 

What is more, it makes this Friday that much more sought after. While I love Fridays to begin with, this Friday I actually feel like I deserve the two day break. I feel like I can walk out those doors thinking I accomplished things. I got things done. And it feels rather good to be able to do things and get things done.

And this gal will gladly take it.

Resolutions?? How about goals.

I don’t make resolutions anymore. Probably because I found half the time, one can never keep them. But this does not mean I do not have goals for myself.  This year I have some pretty big ones to live up to.  And with any hopes I may actually finish them and succeed at it being a banner year. Which I am determined to make it. Yes, that is right I am already calling this year to not only be better than last year, but amazingly so.

2015 goals:

Read 45 books.-Which is actually 3 more than I read this past year, so fingers crossed.
 
Finish school and graduate-As of right now I am sitting at 129 days till graduation. It has been a long road and will be one of my biggest accomplishments to date.
  
 Write, and mean it. No I am not just talking about blogging, because yes I will continue this either way. But I have always wanted to be a writer, a novelist. And once school is done and out of the way I will have no excuse not to find time.

Pay at least two things off. Easier said than done, but I am guaranteed at least one of thing as I am down to two car payments now.  It is not a bill I am sad to see go that is for sure.  Here is to hoping I can figure out how to get at least one other bill to disappear.

Change something. Whether it is where my career is going, my location or simply a hair style. This year I want to change at least one thing for the better.

DisneyMP. No this is not a dream I am giving up on. Yes you better believe I still strive to make it, and am determined to come back in the fall better than I did this past year.  Some dreams do not die.

I am sure there will be others as the year goes on. Just as much as I am sure there will be road blocks along the way, things that I can not control and have no control over. But for the moment these are the things that I am determined to work on and make happen. 

Here is to 2015 my friends.