Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Excuse me, may I have your attention please.

Tonight, in just a few hours in fact I will have to get up in front of a class full of fifty some faces I may or may not know-mostly not. And speak.

For a half an hour.

Already I can feel the anxious nerves start tickling my very core. My hands are starting to shake with just the thought of the word group presentation.

Its not that I don't like public speaking. Its more, I loath it. I almost fear it. Which is kind of funny considering in high school, I competed in the very act of public speaking.

Of course there is one major difference, the sort of public speaking I did was one of reading children's books to a total of maybe five people. And unlike the situation I find myself in this evening. I knew exactly what it was about. I knew the words, and the story and it was good. The books I had memorized where prize winners. They are still some of my favorite books today. They are not based on a case that I read and have to determine from my own point of view. They were solid. Unlike tonight, which I can only hope I understood enough to spend a half an hour up there reviewing it with my classmates.

And perhaps this is what I fear most of all. Of being wrong. Of standing up in front of fifty strangers who are supposed to be supportive and understanding and know that I could be the one to not understand a damn thing. Flashbacks of the teacher in high school come to mind. Because when I was wrong in high school, she would make me stand up there in front of that very class and announce that I was stupid, and that I was not in fact smart and never would be.

Yeah, I probably have her to thank for the whole public speaking thing come to think of it.

I try and remind myself that I will not in fact be alone. Two other individuals will be up there with me. But the introvert in me is crying out that it is not enough, they can't speak for the things I say.  I contemplate running home, throwing on my pajamas and doing the snow dance to the snow Gods. Knowing full well that this would only delay the inevitable for another two weeks.

But surely it would be better than sitting here nervously watching the clock, counting down the very minutes until I have to stand there in front of everyone.

At least for another two weeks.

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