Thursday, December 27, 2012
What a difference a year makes.
A year ago this evening I found myself waking up in an empty hospital room, my colon for the most part gone. Or at least a good chunk of it anyway.
Somewhere my husband along with the rest of my family was waiting below in a waiting room. I was dazed and confused, while I knew what had gone on, I was alive, I still didn't know just how much had gone on, if they had been able to clean things up. How much they had taken out this time.
A year ago today.
Its funny just how vivid these memories still are. How I can remember waking up in that hospital room wondering where everyone was, as I was told they would be waiting. I can remember watching Judge Judy and how I looked at the clock and thought 9 in the morning was way to early to be watching her. The helper who reminded me a lot of my grandmother, she grabbed me an extra blanket when she saw I was shivering so hard I was shaking. The nurse who loved my fun socks-for the record they were moose ones my mother in law got me for xmas.-I remember it all.
To this day there is still things that brings it all back. The smell of the bath wash I used for instance. Or the jeans that I wore into the hospital, I swear still holds that hospital smell. How my nose still stuffs up has never been quite right.
And in the year since, recovery has begun, I have noticed things 'move' a lot more easily. Though I still have to remain close to a restroom. I still don't eat like I used to. I am doing good if I eat a full meal. OK I can't remember the last time I actually ate a full meal since the beginning of 2011. I do however eat snacks to try and help. If I eat to much, I hurt. If I eat to little, I am weak still, my energy levels wave. My scar remains still, and I assume I shall always have it as a reminder of what the year brought. And just last week, I was given the go ahead to have another child if we should choose to. We have yet to make the call, but it was a piece of good news since we were wondering if the thought of another kid would even be possible, or would the surgeries put an end to everything.
I can't say that a year out has made me less nervous of it happening again. For there in the back of my mind, no matter how many days go by, no matter how much they tell me, a little part of me is wondering, nervously if this will ever happen to me again. There is no guarantee I suppose. After all they told me two times before that it would never bother me, and it happened still. Twice. Still I would like to think.
That with each passing day, things will get a little easier. And the nightmares of 2011 will be a thing of the past.