Thursday, September 13, 2012
here you go again with my heart.
The subject was once again regarding certain areas. My unhappiness at work, at school. And yes even in marriage, which is sad to think. While I thought we were doing a lot better, it seemed we had once again fallen into the routine. I hated the fact nine times out of ten I would come down shortly after we got home to him dead to the world on the couch. The conversations seemed to be nothing unless I talked, half the time I wondered if he was even really listening to me. And the times he was awake he was on that iphone, twitter, facebook. He seemed to be paying more attention to anything but his wife.
Which is why I decided to express my opinions once again to him last weekend. For the most part it went the same way it had in the past when we had conversations like this. He saying this, I thinking that. It was a back and forth sort of battle that pretty much was leading to nothing. I admitted to not being happy, I know the source stems a lot from the unhappiness at work, and I recognize this. I accept it. And while I am trying to change it, in today's job market that it not exactly going to be easy. Nor is it going to be an overnight thing.
And then he dropped the bomb on me. Saying something that no wife should hear, or have to hear. I won't exactly say what he told me because it is still quite hurtful. I will say it is not an affair-thank the lord-but it is damaging in the bedroom. I sat there and crumbled on the couch. Wondering if this is really what it is supposed to be like, though even as I thought this I knew my answer. No. It shouldn't be.
I went to bed that night contemplating everything he said, and have been doing so since. I have had moments of pure confusion and moments of sadness. At the moment I don't know what to do. I told him I was willing to work through it. But it seems these talks are becoming more and more frequent. And what the words that he had said, whether he meant to say them the way he did, has been more damaging than anyone could imagine.
And I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.