Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The beginning.

After another unexpected break from my studies I find myself heading back to campus tonight. Its the first time since December of 2011 doing so.

I don't know how I feel. I know I should finish. I know I need to finish. I know I am so close to getting that degree I once was so desperate for that to give up now would be ridiculous.

But on the other-which there is always on the other hand-I am exhausted. My commute is getting longer, my son is getting older. I wanted another one and with the rate I am going, its not going to happen. Studying seems the furthest thing on my mind these days. I just don't have the drive like I used to. Its not that I don't want that degree, its just.

Life happens.

Still I am trying to push myself. Trying to tell myself its just one class this semester-thank god-and you can do it. One day soon you will be walking across that stage, and your son will be looking down at you and cheering for you. Because he is that kind of kid. You will tell him in years to come that somehow I did what was told impossible for me to do in high school. I would be a college graduate. Who cares if the degree isn't all that fancy. And in years to come the fact it took me ten years plus will be irrelevant.

I will be done.

I remind myself that I am a Senior now, this for some reason just sounds a lot better. I am that much closer. To give up now, would be like admitting defeat. Being a coward. Neither I am willing to do. And if this isn't working I remind myself its just the first day blues. The realization that weekends will now be consumed with studying and papers and projects. And its just the thought that is hard and depressing. Especially on the first day. Give it some time. A week or two in and it will be routine once more.

And if nothing more.

In 16 weeks....it will be all said and done for the semester.

At least for a month and a half anyhow.

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