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Monday, October 10, 2011

Rejection.

Rejection.

It is never a pretty thing. One can try to mask it, try to cover it up. We can try to ignore it and tell ourselves it doesn't matter. But not matter how you slice it, rejection is never a pretty thing. Lets just face it.

For the second year in a row I received my thanks, but no thanks email on Saturday afternoon from Disneys Moms Panel. The moment I had prepared myself for finally came, the answer not exactly being the one I wanted hurt. I smiled to my family, who waited along side me the entire journey and said it was ok. I had expected it. I wasn't getting my hopes up for anything. I went on about my routine as if it was just your average every day Saturday.

For awhile I tried to ignore the feeling that soon swallowed me. This feeling that I am just not good enough. I began to wonder if this is even what I am meant to be doing, is this feeling even worth it? I wonder why I put myself through such torture. Maybe I am just not passionate enough. Maybe I am to passionate. Perhaps I care way to much about this panel. After all, do I really need someone to tell me I can plan a Disney vacation. I do it on a daily basis, I help people. I talk about it?  People around the office and throughout my network of friends and family come to me, shouldn't this be confirmation enough?

For a moment I debate if I am even going to through the process next year. Would I be crazy to do so once again?

I realize I am writing this on pure emotion for even two days after the dreaded email I still feel that rejection email just as strong. Which is amazing since through the entire month long process of waiting I told myself I was approaching it totally different. I said I was going to be cool and casual. For the most part it worked. I wasn't waiting by that phone on Saturday, I didn't in all honesty even realize we would be hearing back on Saturday. But its a funny thing when you get that letter. Its the final word. You just aren't good enough. At least not this year. Its like that balloon deflated. All of a sudden you aren't holding your breath anymore. You find yourself thinking well now I don't have to worry about telling the boss you need certain days off. You think 12 other people at least will be doing exactly what you were doing. And the pain sort of creeps in.

And after the pain, you try to justify it, well it gives me another year to perfect it. Maybe it happened for a reason. I mean after all look what has happened to me in the past year. I still face at least one more surgery. I am going to school. A toddler. Hockey season. Perhaps its just not meant to be right now. And maybe that is ok.

And maybe one day, when the time is right. I will get through.
And it will be everything I hear about.

But not this year.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know it's difficult, but perhaps the timing wasn't quite right. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but my faith has led me to believe that things happen for a reason. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for you though.