The secret guilt

About two months ago, right about the time I went into the hospital for the first time my husband Andy was offered an opportunity of a lifetime. One that he had dreamt about for most of his career with the Caps. He would be traveling with the team since his coworker and best buddy at the office decided to take a job working for the NHL itself.

OK maybe offered isn't quite the right word. Because in truth, he actually volunteered to step in while they interviewed and figured out what they wanted to do. He told them however that he wasn't too interested in taking over the position for he had a family, and a life and traveling for the away games, as well as working the home games would be too much.

But of course this was before he actually started traveling, and he soon found that he enjoyed it. He enjoyed knowing the players, having them know who he is and have conversations with them. He enjoyed seeing the other venues, the sites and the arenas that the other teams played in. Before I knew it he found himself debating whether he was going to throw his hat into the mix of names and applicants to take over his best buds once position.

During the time he was away, I was recovering from my first surgery. I listened as any wife would, encouraging him to live out his dream, because what kind of person would I be if I stopped him from at least attempting to live it out. Though all the while, I was fighting my own mixed of emotions. I was thrilled for his opportunity, and yet scared of what it was going to do to us. There are reasons, marriages in the sports entertainment world fail more often than they succeed. Him traveling would mean more responsibility for me. It meant being both a mom and a dad during hockey season. It meant I would have to learn how to be ok with not seeing my husband from August to June, hold my marriage together and still make myself happy.

A tall order if you asked me. I was afraid this would mean the end of us, deep down I was. And while my husband was trying to figure out what he wanted I began to think about what I wanted, I would still be in school, and would not be willing to give that up. I still wanted to be able to have some me time. I planned if nothing more, than in my head. Planned on for the just in case.

I recovered while he was away. And just as I was getting better. I had a relapse, landed back in the hospital and had a second surgery. Andy was on the road during the second go around. He came home the day after. With still no word he continued to do his thing, travel see me, attend the home games. But he was able to miss a week while I was in the hospital, kind of shock and a nice thing at the same time.He was also able to get away for a preplanned vacation that I threatened he would and could not back out of. We waited on word of what the company and the Caps where going to do.

And then word came. Just this week, Friday to be exact. They had chosen someone else. My husband was heartbroken. And while a part of me was thrilled that I would get my husband back, my marriage may just be saved and our family together again, at the same time my own heart broke. Did I have a part in Andy's not getting the job? Did I somehow wish this upon him? Did my recent stints in the hospital have anything to do his not getting the job? I suddenly felt extremely guilty for the whole thing....

Andy assured me I had nothing to do with it, claiming that he talked to one of the big bosses and they may still need him to travel here and there and so there still is hope. He may not have gotten the position, but it was and is not the end of the road.

Still even as I write this, I have my doubts and am feeling like one extremely guilty wife.
Because while I am a bit sad that he didn't get it.
There is a part of me that is a bit relieved as well.