Tuesday, November 26, 2013

My Disney Parks Moms Panel, the journey comes to an end: for now.

In the end you can blog about it, you can tell yourself no matter what it will be okay.  You can prepare for it with pep talks. You can even encourage others, telling them no matter what you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. But when it comes down to it, when you get that final round 3 email informing you, you are not selected as a member of the 2014 Disney Parks Moms Panel what you aren't prepared for is the wave of emotions that overcomes you.

Or I couldn't.

This past Friday as I watched the minutes on my computer click I sat telling myself all these things. I was proud of myself for getting this far, for making it to the top 40. I said no matter what I will be back should it not be my year, though I kept telling myself not to think about this. Not yet. This could very well be my year. I waited with friends all of whom awaited their own fate. Knowing that there was a good chance some of us would make it, knowing most of us wouldn't. 

Would this, could this be my year?

My answer would come at 4:30 while I was sitting on a crowded bus. We were heading home. My phone buzzed. I didn't want to look at it, I had a funny feeling. But I flipped it over and....

my heart sank. No, this year would not be my year.

It is a hard pill to swallow. You get so close. You tell yourself not to get to far ahead of yourself. Yet you do. Because it's only natural. Because you believe.  I did not expect the emotions that came on so quickly as I sat on that bus. And even if it was dark already I slide my glasses down over my eyes and wiped away the tears that came.  I couldn't explain the complete take over that came so sudden. But it was there. And it was strong. It was a bit of sadness, and disappointment. It was heartbreaking and even a sigh of relief that despite the loss, it was over for another year. All of them mixed into one person all at one time. I immediately started analyzing everything I said and did, wondering and thinking what could I have done better. What can I do better next time? It was these sort of thoughts that ran through my head the entire night. I was so close. Yet at that moment, I felt I was so far away.

And yet?

I read through my Twitter feed as new panelist came on to announce one by one it was their year and despite my sadness, I was thrilled for them. I was excited for them. I danced for them. Because I know they deserved it. Because I know they should be excited and happy and should enjoy the time of their lives. I was in no way mad at them, or disappointed in the judging committee, this includes the wonderful Gary. I believe they made a wonderful decision in choosing their selection for the class of 2014, even if I am bummed that I wasn't in the class.

I was asked shortly after receiving the news if I would do it all over again. There was no hesitation, no reason of a doubt my answer was, and still is yes. Because while it-for the three months-is an emotional roller coaster, it's a thrill ride I want to be a part of.  Because it's Disney, and I still despite everything believe in the magic that a vacation brings. I want to share it. Because as much as it was disapponting to not make the panel this year, next year is a whole new round, a new shot. Maybe next year as I apply for what will be the sixth time.

Well, maybe next year. It will be my year.

And those same panelist, friends that I cheered and danced for this year.

Well maybe they will not only be cheering for me. But maybe, just maybe they will be congratulating me.

2 comments:

Jessica | Living La Vida Holoka said...

You haven't given up yet, Aleisha. I know you'll get there. :)

Aleisha said...

@Jessica-

No I have not and will not give up. I will get there, it just may take a little while longer!

Sociable