Tuesday, November 26, 2013
My Disney Parks Moms Panel, the journey comes to an end: for now.
Or I couldn't.
This past Friday as I watched the minutes on my computer click I sat telling myself all these things. I was proud of myself for getting this far, for making it to the top 40. I said no matter what I will be back should it not be my year, though I kept telling myself not to think about this. Not yet. This could very well be my year. I waited with friends all of whom awaited their own fate. Knowing that there was a good chance some of us would make it, knowing most of us wouldn't.
Would this, could this be my year?
My answer would come at 4:30 while I was sitting on a crowded bus. We were heading home. My phone buzzed. I didn't want to look at it, I had a funny feeling. But I flipped it over and....
my heart sank. No, this year would not be my year.
It is a hard pill to swallow. You get so close. You tell yourself not to get to far ahead of yourself. Yet you do. Because it's only natural. Because you believe. I did not expect the emotions that came on so quickly as I sat on that bus. And even if it was dark already I slide my glasses down over my eyes and wiped away the tears that came. I couldn't explain the complete take over that came so sudden. But it was there. And it was strong. It was a bit of sadness, and disappointment. It was heartbreaking and even a sigh of relief that despite the loss, it was over for another year. All of them mixed into one person all at one time. I immediately started analyzing everything I said and did, wondering and thinking what could I have done better. What can I do better next time? It was these sort of thoughts that ran through my head the entire night. I was so close. Yet at that moment, I felt I was so far away.
I read through my Twitter feed as new panelist came on to announce one by one it was their year and despite my sadness, I was thrilled for them. I was excited for them. I danced for them. Because I know they deserved it. Because I know they should be excited and happy and should enjoy the time of their lives. I was in no way mad at them, or disappointed in the judging committee, this includes the wonderful Gary. I believe they made a wonderful decision in choosing their selection for the class of 2014, even if I am bummed that I wasn't in the class.
I was asked shortly after receiving the news if I would do it all over again. There was no hesitation, no reason of a doubt my answer was, and still is yes. Because while it-for the three months-is an emotional roller coaster, it's a thrill ride I want to be a part of. Because it's Disney, and I still despite everything believe in the magic that a vacation brings. I want to share it. Because as much as it was disapponting to not make the panel this year, next year is a whole new round, a new shot. Maybe next year as I apply for what will be the sixth time.
Well, maybe next year. It will be my year.
And those same panelist, friends that I cheered and danced for this year.
Well maybe they will not only be cheering for me. But maybe, just maybe they will be congratulating me.