Monday, October 7, 2013
Should I stay or should I go?-a working mom, college debate.
I spent most of my weekend behind my computer typing and retyping a paper that I am pretty sure in the end turned out not the way I wanted it to. Around me, my son danced to the Star Wars tune pretending to be the Storm Trooper. 'Watch me mommy, watch me.'
I looked up, my head swimming with the next line of the paper and told him I was busy doing homework. The look on his face was not only heartbreaking but pulling at my every being. How could I explain I would much rather be watching him than to be doing homework. Anderson came in then, yelling at him to get away. I watched at Logan's eyes grew wide Sorry, mommy. I am so sorry.
No, I am the one who is sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to have been done by now, long done. I was supposed to be doing something I really really loved rather than simply working just to get through getting a degree.
I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I am beginning to wonder if I ever knew what I wanted, or if I ever truly will.
Is this worth it?
Maybe its not anymore. Maybe the fight is over, I lost. Maybe I should just give up on the dream to get that degree. By this point the way things are going I don't even know if it will help me get anywhere in life as it is.
This isn't the first time I have thought about it.
Nor will it probably be the last. It happens. I am getting down in number of classes, so close I can taste it and yet the 7 remaining after this semester seems so far off. To long to wait and finish it out.
I know I should.
But this weekend, looking at my son who apologized to me for bugging me....
I really began questioning it all over again.