Monday, October 7, 2013

Should I stay or should I go?-a working mom, college debate.

Sometimes I wonder if its all worth it.

I spent most of my weekend behind my computer typing and retyping a paper that I am pretty sure in the end turned out not the way I wanted it to. Around me, my son danced to the Star Wars tune pretending to be the Storm Trooper. 'Watch me mommy, watch me.'

I looked up, my head swimming with the next line of the paper and told him I was busy doing homework. The look on his face was not only heartbreaking but pulling at my every being. How could I  explain I would much rather be watching him than to be doing homework. Anderson came in then, yelling at him to get away. I watched at Logan's eyes grew wide Sorry, mommy. I am so sorry.

No, I am the one who is sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to have been done by now, long done. I was supposed to be doing something I really really loved rather than simply working just to get through getting a degree.

I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I am beginning to wonder if I ever knew what I wanted, or if I ever truly will.

Is this worth it?

Maybe its not anymore. Maybe the fight is over, I lost. Maybe I should just give up on the dream to get that degree.  By this point the way things are going I don't even know if it will help me get anywhere in life as it is.

This isn't the first time I have thought about it.

Nor will it probably be the last. It happens. I am getting down in number of classes, so close I can taste it and yet the 7 remaining after this semester seems so far off. To long to wait and finish it out.

I know I should.

But this weekend, looking at my son who apologized to me for bugging me....
I really began questioning it all over again.

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