Don't believe everything you read.

While searching for information on tomorrow's meeting with the surgeon I decided to look up possible questions and concerns for the surgeon regarding the tear/hernia. Specifically when it comes to having another baby.

Before you freak, rest assured. I am not expecting, not right now. But we have always thought about having another one, probably in another year to year and a half. It has always been in our plans.

I got mixed reviews. There are some that would say wait til after you have a child if you are going to have surgery, and those that say otherwise. At this point I was just curious if by doing this surgery would prevent me from having a child at all.

That is it.

I felt that if I at least got a little information, and was prepared to ask, then it would be better to know before it actually happened. If it were to happen. Instead of not knowing, assuming everything would be ok and then find out later it isn't.

I call my mom for reasons I can't remember and we begin to discuss tomorrow's doctor appointment when I mention my inquiries. Now I was expecting her to tell me to hang in there, to go and listen to what the doctor has to say, that you never know. And to take one thing at a time. I know I shouldn't have expected to hear this,but I did. Because I was already down about the whole thing, about the possibility of having another surgery about having to change plans and what not.

But this is not what I got. Instead I was told how precious my one is, how she had been talking to my father and how they both think it would be better for me not to have any more anyway. I mean after all, with the two surgeries and the slight complications I had with Logan, wouldn't it just be better??

I sat on the other end listening as my mom went on about this and that. Stunned. This was not what I was expecting. This was not what I wanted to hear. I didn't know what to think anymore. I sat looking at my son's toys trying not to cry. Yes, he is adorable, yes he is a blessing. And I have thought, if I only have one then so be it. But I want to know that I can at least have the option of having another one.

We want another one

I had heard this before. From my inlaws who told me that they think we wouldn't be able to afford another child, and so we shouldn't have anymore. This was nothing new. But yet, coming from my own parents somehow hurt ten times worse than hearing it from my in-laws. Shouldn't we be the ones to decide this? I am no longer a kid, shouldn't I be the one to make the decisions?

And I have yet to see the surgeon, we have no idea what is really going to happen...there is a possibility that they may not even decide to do surgery after all. And then this would all be for nothing anyway.

Its best to be prepared.

I quickly changed the subject, but couldn't get it out of my head. Even now, as I sit and write this I can't get it out of here. Suddenly I don't know what to think or what to do. I was just saying I wanted to ask if it was an option. I wanted to be prepared. That was all...and now, I feel as though a year down the road should we decide to the family of three, I will not have the support of the family. I do not however tell her this. Instead I hang up and break down in the living room.

My husband asks me what I will do, and I say, we are going to go, and we are going to ask them. And we are going to find out. And everything will be alright.

Because I am pretty sure in the end.

Everything will be alright.