Thursday, June 27, 2013
I am stuck in a rut.
I am miserable.
I thought perhaps it would pass, maybe its just a day thing, which turned into a week, which has turned into, hell I don't even want to admit how long it has been.
No it has not been overnight, but rather for some time. I realized it over a year ago, it was my job, I began to see cracks in it. I was unhappy with it. The commute, the job itself. Everything. I started applying and had somewhat mild success landing an interview or two. But they didn't pan out. And so I forged on.
I continued with my job, I faced company layoffs waiting for my own notification. It never came. I face a company reorg. I hated it. I tried to tell myself things were going to get better. They had to. And still it was horrible.
I realized it was school, because it never seems to be endings. I am thirty three years old and have been going to school for to long, more than I want to. I should be done and over with. I try to remind myself 7 more classes to go. But those 7 more classes seem to be getting farther and farther away.
I realized its my marriage, we just hit the 7 year mark. He never wants to do it anymore. I have stopped trying. We barely talk, and when we do it sounds like the same conversation over and over. We could sit in the same room and just not seem to care anymore. Friends, not lovers we have become. I wonder if I feel the same way as I did. If I ever did.
And I feel like I have failed in so many ways. I failed him, I failed everything.
And hanging in there, doesn't seem to quite cut it these days.