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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Then you might know what its like.



 ''God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like''

-Everlast.

Ever wonder what its like? To have a disability? For those reading this many may never know what it would be like personally And in a way, I pray those that are reading will never have to know.

Why?

Because as much as I try pass it off, the ugly truth is there often times its one of the most difficult things anyone will have to deal with.

But do you ever wonder what its like? For just a day? A month? For a lifetime of dealing with a disability? 

Well let me be the first to open your eyes to what the truth is. Born with Cerebral Palsy to the right side,  I consider myself  one of the fortunate ones. I say this because it  has mainly only affected my right hand. Believe me I know how lucky I am for there are several out there that are in far worse conditions than myself. Other than the fact I can't wiggle my toes-which annoys me more than anything-the rest of me, while still affected, is for the most part pretty normal. Still one never realizes how important something is until one can no longer use it, or in my case never been able to.

Which brings us back to what its like.

For starters, nothing is easy. Like tying a shoe. I wore Velcro shoes for so long until a therapist taught me how to tie my shoes with two fingers back in elementary school, for a quick second it made me the most interesting person around. Still they never were tied tight enough and always came loose. But hey its a skill that most will never even attempt.

Its having to learn to type with one hand, which may not sound as complicated as tying a shoe. But with all this modern technology, my fingers often at times can't keep up. Nor can I hold the device in one hand, and type with the other. A couple months back my company offered me a new keyboard. Which was fabulous since I really needed a new one. Until I realized that half the keys were on one side, the others, on the other side. A nice big gap lied in the middle of it. To wide for me. I quickly declined, and to this day am still dealing with the old keyboard.Interesting,  its the same sort of reason I gave up on playing most video games a long time ago. 

For the record, I can type somewhere around 80 (give or take) words a minute with one hand.

Its trying to change my two and a half year old son's diaper when he is one active toddler. Thank god the diaper stage will be coming to an end shortly.  My latest challenge is bringing a sleepy little man up the stairs, and if he has fallen asleep in the car seat, trying to get him out, unlocking the door and juggling everything else that we left with. This is also my main reason that we want/need to have a little age difference between kids, should we be blessed with another one. Changing and handling a kid with two hands I am sure is stressful enough. Now take out one of the hands...it is doable I assure you.

Its putting on jewelry, doing your hair, shaving in the morning. The jewelry thing is not that big of a deal when you wear the same thing and don't need to change things. But the hair and the shaving thing, to this day still brings up a challenge. Curling the hair is usually out of the option, as is braiding, and half the other hairstyles of the day. If it wasn't for the fact I think I would look horrible, I would contemplate shaving it all off. And yes, lets not go into whole shaving thing..that is a whole other topic that is probably best left un-talked about.

Its learning how to drive with one hand, doesn't sound horrible, until you realize its my left hand that is 'normal' Still not horrible but dif. a challenge, and eliminates certain car models and stick shifts. And motorcycles. If your in to that sort of thing.

Its never driving through a drive-thru because, well you can't eat and drive anyway. So what's the point? Seriously I have never gone through a drive thru myself unless I am with someone else and they are driving me through one. 

This is also probably a good reason I don't smoke. I need my hand to do three thousand other things.

Its going through the salad bar line, when they don't have a ledge and you have to ask for assistance even though your a grown adult. After all, you try holding a plate and serving yourself with one hand. Considering I hide my disability pretty well, the looks I have received at times aren't the most friendly of sorts. I assume they think I am lazy or a diva. Neither of which I am. I assure you of this. 

I hate buffets for the same reason.

Its going through job interview after job interview wondering if this will have any impact on whether you get the job or not. Knowing that it probably will. And should you get that job, its knowing that your advancement isn't going to be as likely as Jo Smo next to you..

Its just the facts of life, and one you may as well get used to.

And its going to class and hearing a classmate sit there and use the word handicap a thousand times over and over, and knowing as much as you want to punch the living crap out of her, you know you can't. Jail doesn't sound appealing, and she is about two of you. Besides this is something you hear on a daily basis. No matter how much you try to convince them otherwise, you know you won't be able to  So why bother?? You go on about your day, and the next as if nothing is wrong. As if you are just like everyone else. But every where around you, there are constant reminders.

The right handed water fountain. The security doors that you have to swipe, even if you have a million things in your hand. And its the classmate in the class the following night who decides in the middle of your presentation to refuse to help when you ask her to. 

And then laugh.

And you walk out smiling, because you don't want them, can't let them see your pain, or your own embarrassment.  But as you climb into your car, what you really want to say is for one day, wouldn't it be nice not to have to worry about any of this.

For one day. Wouldn't it be nice.
To just be.

Like everyone else.

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