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Monday, January 3, 2011

A return.


There is always the same sort of melancholy that seems to hit me about this time of every year. For starters, I return back to work, after almost a week and a half without so much of a thought of it. The holidays have come and gone leaving a messy house and a bunch of new toys and gadgets in its path. They are still under the tree, yet to be touched or put away. And while I know I need to I put off taking down the lights and the decorations for just one more day. Hoping to delay the whole its over feeling that much longer.

Its not that I don't welcome the new year. Believe it or not I do. Its a fresh start, a new beginning a chance to redeem ones self in a lot of ways. And while I may bitch about work, I am thankful I have a job. Well most of the time I am thankful anyway.

But its the fact that the most magical time of the year has come and left us. Without allowing me to blink.After all there is the fear I might have missed something. Its the fact that I know I don't get another good chunk of time for awhile. Its the fact that I had the best time with just my son and I. We left this morning, bright and early and my heart broke as he said goodbye to all of his toys. And his books. I wanted to immediately say screw it, call in and spend another day lounging with him in PJ's while we play Thomas and Mickey Mouse club. I mean is my job really all that important? Am I really needed right away? Couldn't it wait just one more day?

For a minute I truly did contemplate this, because when all is said and done. No matter how much I may not say it to be able to stay at home with my son would be a dream come true. I know several women who aspire to be Managers, teachers, run their own company and doctors. But I have never had that desire to be anything big. I don't wish for the power that management brings. I used to want to teach, but think the best teacher I could be is to teach my son the things in life. And while curing the next big disease would be amazing, science was never my thing.

Of course in order to pull this small request I do cherish so much it would require several things. Win the lottery, which I found you actually have to play in order to win. Move out of the DC area, and considering we just bought a house here, I have no desire to pack and unpack once more. Or for my husband to up and leave his job, get a new one that will pay him enough to take care of us all. And since he happens to love his job-and honestly I don't blame him either-I will not ask him to leave it just in order to make me happy.

So it looks like at least for the time being I am stuck here.

That being said, I managed to get not only get him, but the husband and myself out the door and on to another work week without so much of a tear. I tried to ignore the feeling of complete dread for just much longer. Reminding myself that maybe one day things will be a little different. I waited for the husband to lock the door before making my way down the flight of stairs trying to remember the last time I had been out the door in the dark. Before the holiday break that was for sure. I slide into the passengers seat of my husbands Protege waiting for the car to warm up wondering were the holidays had gone. Where the past week had gone. And why it suddenly seemed like the shortest week ever.

Yes I knew this day would come. The holidays can't last forever. The week long vacation can't last forever. But it didn't make that cold car ride any less easier.

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