sometimes its the hardest thing to do. the waiting. waiting to live. waiting to go. waiting to die. or just waiting. currently, we are playing just that when it comes to my grandmother. they started her on morphine yesterday saying it wasn't going to be much longer. my grandfather has gone to the church to talk about arrangements. he says he just wants her to die already. i am sure this is how he is coping even if i think it is utterly ridiculous of a thing to say to the women. about the woman who has been his wife for more than sixty years.
but we have all been warned, it wont be to much longer. my mom says it wouldnt surprise her if she doesnt last another five days.
my father, got up this morning at four thirty looking at the closet.
"do you think i need a new suit?" he asked my mom.
"you have a few honey."
"i know.its just. i don't know what to do." he shakes his head and goes to work.
i cant stand these moments. when you feel so utterly helpless and alone. wishing there was something more you could do. something more you could say. and yet you know there isn't anything anyone can do. or say. for what more is there?
i wish i could comfort my dad more. i haven't seen him cry very often. if i count it, its maybe three. the time he read my piece, and the time he walked me down the aisle. thats two. its just so sad. my heart breaks for him especially.
if you don't know already. i am close to my dad. i am truly my father's daughter out of the three he has.
whats worse? i have an exam tonight. my last until august. and im sitting her thinking how the hell am i going to take it the way i am right now? its worth 150 points. out of a thousand. that isnt to bad. so i will go. and i will try my damndest to actually get a decent grade. because i owe it to everyone to do so. if not for myself, for my grandmother. for my father.
waiting.for something.
the unknown.to happen.
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