Staying strong

 

I know my usual banter on Fridays, is of the five question kind. But for some reason, this week I do not feel up to it. It has been a long hard week. One in which I have felt every emotion right to the very core. I have cried, I have shaken and been scared. I haven't slept and when I have it has been dreamless, restless and nervous. And when I have dreamed, its of things I would rather not discuss.

I have heard stories I wish not to hear. Over and over and over.

I will never forget these stories.

I at times do not know what to think anymore. The fog has yet to clear, at times I wonder if it will, or if this is the way it will be from now on. I hope not. 

I know to some this  may seem silly, some have questioned why I am having a hard time with this. But they do not understand. No I was not sitting at the Yard, but I am the next block over, as close as one can be without physically sitting on it. So yes, I was involved. Not only that but we become a resource and a safe haven to those that were able to get away before lock down. And yes, I did do work for them, two in particular. I opened an email, from one sent on Friday and lost it. I was there as they shut things down. As they locked our company and building down. They pulled us away from the windows and told us we needed to prepare. I watched the helicopters fly overhead live, I heard the sirens going off.  I didn't need to watch the news to know what was going on. We were the news. Right there for the nation. We waited for any kind of news from my managers that were over there.OK I thought of my son, and my husband and just wanted to hold him and tell him how much I loved them.  

And I felt fear, the kind that is unimaginable.The kind that shakes you. Yes I have done this as well.

I can't describe how any of this feels to anyone who hasn't been in the same situation. But I will not pretend to say I know what those that were actually on the Yard felt like. Because if I am having issues myself then I know they are as well.

Yes its been like in a fog this week. I have not felt like doing a damn thing, I did not want to come into work and hear one more story. Actually, I did not want to come into work at all. In my own way I was mad that they even made us do so. Believe me I know my production this week has not been at its finest. I doubt anyone's has.

And it just wasn't with work, at home I did not want to do laundry or think about my school work, which still remains untouched. I can't even tell you what has gone on the rest of the week. 

And it has been an extremely long week. Never before did I think a week would stand still. And yet, it can. It does. Somehow time does stand still...

I am told it will take time, I went and saw someone to help deal, while it was good to talk, I know I could stand to talk a lot more. I was reassured that this is all normal, and the ache in my body is simply a defense mechanism for everything I have been through. It will fade, the details will become sketchy and the fog will fade. But the memories, well they may last a lot longer.