2012: A year in review

Its hard to believe that its the last day of 2012. Sometimes I wonder where the year has gone, and at other times it seems as though it has been an exceptionally long year.  This was the year the world was supposed to end, but as you can see, we survived. And we have made it through. As we end the year,  I like to reflect on the past years events, the good the bad and the somewhere in between. So without further ado...

January had me ringing in the new year at my home after my third surgery. I did a lot of nothing but sleep during the month and was able to spend some quality time with Logan.

February, saw me return to work, Logan turned three and I took him to his first ever hockey game. I don't know who had a blast more, me or him.

March brought about my first international trip, to visit my brother in law and sister in law. We spent ten days across the pond in Germany, Paris and London. It was a trip of a lifetime and one I will never forget. I would love to say I am going to get back, but at the moment I will be happy just getting over there once.

April was a chance for Andy and I to get away to celebrate his birthday in NYC for the weekend, and took him to his first hockey game as a fan since he started work with the Caps. 

May we celebrated six years of marriage and turned 32. Neither was celebrated to heavily, but I was fine with that.

June saw a derachio (sp) in the area, a nasty quick storm that caused a lot of flooding and power outages...that weekend was interesting to say the least.

July was spent doing our annual trip to Disney, and for the first time Logan seemed to actually get a lot of what was going on. He continues to talk about it, and has even begun saving his own money for our next trip. Seriously this is one smart kid.

August seemed to be an in between period as we were getting ready for Burgandy's wedding and me heading back to school after a semester off. We went and saw Kenny Chesney, again my annual trip.

September saw a fabulous wedding of Burgandy and Jamie in Whilmington NC. The wedding, the venue and the entire event was not only beautiful. but it was a fabulous labor day weekend.  This month also saw the birth of one of my bff's first child. 

October my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage. They serve as a great reminder to what a couple can achieve if they stick through things and work things out. Its not always going to be easy. We got off pretty lucky with Hurricane Sandy, it could have been a lot worse than it was. My building however is still trying to recover from some of the damage that Sandy left behind.

November we celebrated my little sisters 30th birthday, Thanksgiving with the Z side of the family and the fact that my medical bills were all paid off. Yes this was very exciting for us.

December is now coming to an end. celebrated the holidays with both sides,  Logan met Santa for the first time as this was his first year he was actually willing and interested in him. And we paused to remember those that were lost during the Sandy Hook tragedy.

With everything that has gone on during 2012, I look forward to what 2013 has in store....

Happy New Years Eve!

What a difference a year makes.

One year ago this morning I was waking up, grabbing everything I could and putting things together last minute and preparing to head into surgery number three for the year. I was sitting in the triage room watching Judge Judy and talking to nurses. I was signing my life away as they told my husband the risks of what could go wrong.

A year ago this evening I found myself waking up in an empty hospital room, my colon for the most part gone. Or at least a good chunk of it anyway.

Again.

Somewhere my husband along with the rest of my family was waiting below in a waiting room. I was dazed and confused, while I knew what had gone on, I was alive, I still didn't know just how much had gone on, if they had been able to clean things up. How much they had taken out this time.

A year ago today.

Its funny just how vivid these memories still are. How I can remember waking up in that hospital room wondering where everyone was, as I was told they would be waiting. I can remember watching Judge Judy and how I looked at the clock and thought 9 in the morning was way to early to be watching her. The helper who reminded me a lot of my grandmother, she grabbed me an extra blanket when she saw I was shivering so hard I was shaking. The nurse who loved my fun socks-for the record they were moose ones my mother in law got me for xmas.-I remember it all.

To this day there is still things that brings it all back. The smell of the bath wash I used for instance. Or the jeans that I wore into the hospital, I swear still holds that hospital smell. How my nose still stuffs up has never been quite right.

And in the year since, recovery has begun, I have noticed things 'move' a lot more easily. Though I still have to remain close to a restroom. I still don't eat like I used to. I am doing good if I eat a full meal. OK I can't remember the last time I actually ate a full meal since the beginning of 2011. I do however eat snacks to try and help. If I eat to much, I hurt. If I eat to little, I am weak still, my energy levels wave. My scar remains still, and I assume I shall always have it as a reminder of what the year brought.  And just last week, I was given the go ahead to have another child if we should choose to. We have yet to make the call, but it was a piece of good news since we were wondering if the thought of another kid would even be possible, or would the surgeries put an end to everything. 

I can't say that a year out has made me less nervous of it happening again. For there in the back of my mind, no matter how many days go by, no matter how much they tell me, a little part of me is wondering, nervously if this will ever happen to me again. There is no guarantee I suppose. After all they told me two times before that it would never bother me, and it happened still. Twice.  Still I would like to think.

That with each passing day, things will get a little easier. And the nightmares of 2011 will be a thing of the past.

Quietness.

Two days before the holiday break around the office is usually a festive time. Coworkers being merry, winning door prizes from the random party and people sliding out the door to attend their children's concert or to do last minute shopping. Even a few people actually trying to do work, of the last minute kind. Cramming in whatever they can before they too take off on their holiday.

But this year, it just seems different. Around the office their is a hush, an almost eerie quietness. Those of us who have kids try not to think about Friday, or speak much of it. For myself, it is still to painful to do so. Even blogging at the moment seems kind of wrong. At our annual Christmas dessert reception several people were not present saying they just did not feel up to it this year. I did not go for other reasons, but I understood where they were coming from.

I can only hope that with time things will slowly start getting back to normal, whatever normal may be. I know things won't ever be exactly the way they were. I know for years to come we will be marking the time the way we often do with 9/11...

And this saddens me.

Even taking an exam on Tuesday night was different. Our professor had a hard week alone on her own the previous week with both a grandmother passing away and her mother having a brain aneurism two days later. She had canceled the last class of the semester because of this. She came in to distribute the exam and broke down in the middle of it. Her final words were. 'I don't know just something, you don't mess with ones mom and you don't mess with kids.' Whether she was referring to Fridays events is unclear. Still she left the class flooding with tears...

Try to take an exam after that.

I have not watched much of the news still, though I wish they would leave the families alone. At times I think it is awfully selfish of the media to think they deserve to be in on every private moment of this town's life. These families are dealing with enough. The town is dealing with enough. I don't think they should have to deal with answering questions five minutes after they attend the funeral of their childs/sisters/ mothers. I would ask them to respect their privacy, let them grieve in peace. A daily reminder is not going to help the matter.

And as I sit here, my son is preparing for his first ever little show at the pre-school. It breaks my heart that I am not there to see. After all, if nothing more the shooting taught me how fleeting life can often be. But work has gotten in the way, and I have been pulled to do a thousand receptionist coverage. If I had any umf I too would have called in sick, faked an appointment or tried to gotten off early. But for other reasons that I will not disclose at the moment, I know I should be thankful I have a job, and am doing what I can for the moment to keep it. And so I sit behind a desk, and hope that my son is his little happy self at the moment singing at the top of his lungs to Jingle bells, batman smells....

And I hope he knows, I would be there if I could.

A bloggers day of silence

In remembrance.

 For the past forty eight hours I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes so powerful that I have completely lost it. I have sat in silence to stunned to put into words for the events of Friday. Sometimes, words truly aren't enough.

For the better part of the day yesterday I avoided the media, tv, internet and twitter even. The pain of everything was just to much to take. Instead I focused on my son. We had planned to spend the Saturday doing festive holiday stuff anyway and I was not going to change my plans, perhaps if nothing more the shooting at Sandy Hook taught me how fleeting life truly can be. How to cherish the time, and each moment taking nothing for granted. And so we went out, we had lunch at our favorite hole in the wall. As we entered Logan saw a man crying on the front page. He asked why he was sad. And while I know I could have tried to explain, I didn't want to. There are some things that I shouldn't have to explain to a three year old. Its not that I want to keep him in the dark, but I wanted him to enjoy the day. As we passed by, he said well if he is crying, he must be sad. And this makes me sad mommy. Maybe I could give him a hug. He then asked if I thought that would make him less sad.

I told him I didn't know.

We went and made a Rudolph at Build a Bear workshop. He has yet to let go of it. We went and saw Santa, this is his first year he actually wanted to see him. We made gingerbread cookies and had a blast laughing at the silliness of everything.  I tried not to think about the shooting, at least for a moment anyhow. None of which worked as I sat there in the back of my mind thinking twenty families aren't doing this. Twenty families didn't wake up to having their son/daughter come running in the room and snuggle in the morning. I didn't even care that it was bright and early.

And I felt guilty.

For having a little bit of happiness when families up north couldn't.  For enjoying a Saturday before the holidays, when they couldn't. The holidays, how different they will be now for many this year. And for years to come.  I felt guilty that I stood staring at presents when for some, there are presents hidden that will never be opened. Clothes that will never be worn again. Siblings that will be left to cope with the loss of one of their own for the rest of their lives.

I felt guilty that for me, tomorrow is another day. Its the same old same old.

And yet for them.
Nothing is the same.

Nothing will ever be.

Lost.

I had this blog post all thought out. And then the shooting of an elementary school happened this morning in CT, and all of a sudden, the blog post just didn't seem all that important. My heart, my head and my entire body just ache in grief......and at the moment.

This saying, says it all....

Until further.

Go home, hug your loved ones.

And be grateful for what you have. 

Goodbye to a tradition.

Its been a tradition for a few years now. Every Thanksgiving started the same. My day before Thanksgiving hockey game with one of my best friends Sarah. It started several years ago, right when Anderson  first joined the organization. Back when we didn't have little man, we were still just the engaged couple and going to hockey games seemed like an appropriate way to kick off the holiday season. It also was Sarah and I's first official hockey game together. Which is how the whole tradition started anyway. After the game, win or lose we found ourselves at IHOP waiting on Anderson to finish. We would spend hours there, drinking stale coffee and flat soda while we downed those pancakes and listened to some horribly awesome music. The kind that you almost expect to hear during such an hour in the middle of a 24 hour diner. Anderson would break down the game for us,mentioning things here and there if we didn't understand. Because back then we weren't the experts of the sport that we pretend to be today.

As the years have gone by the tradition has changed a little, with a son I guess you would expect it. We still would hit up the game, and the diner, but sitting until 2 in the morning wasn't as feasible. Nor as recommended. I don't think I can even remember the last time I saw two in the morning, other than when little man was an infant that is. And there was a time or two that we skipped it all together for travel purposes, exhaustion or other reasons that are escaping me now. But for whatever reason we still hung to the game. No matter what. This was our tradition. If we did not make it to any other game together during the year, we would be there. 

Sarah said it best when she mentioned how it often wasn't about the outcome, or who it was against-which most of the time it was the Trashers, now Jets. It was about the evening. About our friendship and just the whole time together. It helped form who we became. The bond that kept us together...

But not this year. Thank you NHL lockout, my traditional hockey game and IHOP at 2am has been cancelled. The thought saddens me a bit as I was as I always am looking forward to it. It wasn't unexpected. I mean I pretty much knew it would not be happening this year. But maybe a bit of me was hopeful that something would be worked out. That the season could be saved. Now I don't know if I hold out any hope in even that happening.

Whether this bothers the players, or the owners in anyway I have not one clue. I know they could care less about my tradition. In fact they have no idea it even goes on. Sometimes I wonder if they even miss or care about the lockout, After all most of them are overseas playing in their home country, they are still getting some sort of income. And while there are a few Americans who will be celebrating Thanksgiving at home with their own families come tomorrow, I doubt hockey will even be on the forefront of their minds.

But here back at home. A day before Thanksgiving, and what is traditionally known as hockey night...

Well here, it won't exactly be the same.

Nominated.

Just about a week ago, I found out I was nominated for the Liebster Blog award thanks in part to Jessica from Living La Vida Holoka. I am both amazed and honored to be nominated as I have loved blogging for years now.  You may have never heard of the award, but it is given to up-and-comers in the blog world with under 200 followers. 

This is a pay it forward reward: 

Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves. 

-Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

-Choose 11 bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them to your post.

-Go to their page and tell them about the award.

-No tag backs!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I like even numbers and have to always have my savings account be exactly even at all times. My husband often laughs at me for this. But someday he will thank me.
2. I type 75 words a minute, one handed. And yet I still can't memorize the numbers on the right side of the board.
3. I am a walking jukebox, seriously. At any given moment I will break out into songs. These range from various genres and decades. I also know just about every song at any given moment.
4. I have always wanted to break out into dance in the middle of the mall. Sort of like the way Tiffany did back in the 80s. Glee has only enhanced this.
5. My favorite day is Thursday. Weekend is just about here, Monday still far away. And the workweek just about done. I do not know when my love affair started. 
6. That being said, I was born on a Thursday. Meaning I apparently have/had far to go.
7. I had this huge crush on a kid named Josh back in elem. school. It was my first crush, and thought he was absolutely adorable. I was 7. I now follow him on twitter. 
9. I haven't had beef since Dec 2000 when I had a cheeseburger after an ice skating show. This was not truly by choice. 
10. My sister was on the show 'Thats Incredible' back in the day. Its her claim to fame. And if you remember the show at all, I would say thats incredible.
11. I have a thing for clean teeth. If I was on an Island, I would have to find a way to clean them.

10 Questions from the one that nominated me:

1. When did you start blogging?

Back in 2000, I was 19. This was of course more on online diary. But still it was well before the whole blogging craze truly took off..

2. With the holidays coming up, what are some of your favorite family traditions?

My mom always has a tangerine in the bottom of our stockings. I thought that when we got older it would stop, it hasn't. Its simple, and at times cheesy. But its something I look forward to every holiday season.

3. What's your guilty pleasure?

I love plugging in my ipod, and jamming to the boy bands of the 90s. Especially BSB. For some reason it just makes me feel a whole lot better. Judge all you will. I could spend a couple hours being reminded of the 'good ole days'

4. What's the last really good book you've read?

The Last one? FIREFLY LANE great book, made me laugh, cry, feel, love...everything. Great book for anyone with a friend throughout the years. Dif recommend. 

5. What is something that has made you happy recently?

My son. At three and a half, he is the love of my life.

4. What is one of your favorite smells?

Thanksgiving dinner. The whole warm smelling, pumpkin pie and all. I just absolutely love it.

5. What is one food you probably couldn't live without?

Turkey....enough said.

6. What is one of your best traits?

I am caring, and loving. I will go out of my way to make sure you are happy before I am. Its the way to be. It can also work against you.

7. How do you keep positive?

Music. If I am ever down, I jam to something, see above.

8. What's something you would absolutely love to splurge on if money wasn't an issue?

A trip to Italy. Because my husband wants to go there so bad, and while we were in Europe he gave up the chance to go, so that I could go to England, he did get to see Paris, which was his choice. If money was no object I would get him there. 

10. What's something you love about where you live?

The history. DC holds so much of , but its VA where I live that I forget how much history it has. I love the battlefields, the colonial. Everything. Its rich in history.

I nominate the following

Visions of the Future

Life According to Caps Crazy

Everyday Enchanted

Now for your questions:

1. What was the last thing you ate?

2. If you were born the other gender what would your name have been?

3. You have just won a 5 minute shopping spree at the mall, what store would you hit?

4. At what age do you consider/did you consider yourself grown up?

5. Whats your take on Uggs?

6. Who is your favorite president, dead or alive.

7. What Disney princess would you be for the day if you could?

8. When was the last time you played in mud puddles?

9. Thanksgiving or Christmas/Hanakkah?

10. Whats in your back pocket at the moment?

Election Day

Election day. It seems that the campaigns have been going on for so long now that this day has taken forever to get here. And like most of the rest of the country, I too did my civic duty and voted.  And I sit here, watching as the numbers go back and forth, one minute it seems to be swinging Romney's way, the next its Obama. Currently its tied. Dead even.We are in for a long night my friends.

Speaking of friends, if this election has taught me anything it has been the role social media has played, specifically in regards to Facebook. And how with a simple post, you can be unfriended, unliked and piss off quite a few people. I have sat back and watched, and ignored mind you half of what people post when it comes to political messages. As I have previously mentioned in past posts, while I applaud someone's enthusiasm and their support for a certain party but what I don't like is the rants, the verbal lashing and the disrespect I have seen from so many of those out there. If you post something like that, then in a lot of ways I would expect that someone will disagree. Especially when you post something as negative as I have seen. We must remember this though This is after all America. We were born and fought for our individualism, the right to have an opinion, and by posting yours, you invite others to disagree.  If you can't handle it, then don't post. Don't comment and ignore.

And truly, is arguing and getting pissed off really worth losing friends?

Something else we must remember, come tomorrow-providing we know by then-half of the country is going to be celebrating, while the other half will not. Like everything else there will be a winner and a loser. Plans will change, parties may divide and defeat will be admitted. And life? Will go on. No matter what. The sun will come out, the morning will start. I will drag myself out of bed and head into work.  My son will still be his goofy little self. And no matter what, things will be OK. Sure it may not be the answer you want. But in the long run, when things are all said and done.

Life goes on. And so will you.
No matter who wins.

Hang in there.

5 Unmissed Election Things.

With the Presidental election now just hours away. I would like to take this time to list a few things that I will not miss once Wednesday morning arrives.

1. Campaign TV Ads

That's right. Because apparently once during a commercial break is not enough. I will not be ashamed to admit I have long since tuned them out. And I am not slamming just one side here, because when it comes down to it, I find them both equally annoying here. Though for the record, I also think I know more about Maryland's Questions 6 (Gay Marriage) and their Question 7 (Casinos) than I do regarding anything I should be voting for in Virginia. I wonder how this happened.

2. Campaign Phone Calls

I don't actually know which is worse, the TV ads, or the phone calls. I haven't answered my home  phone since August. And while I have always liked having a home phone, this campaign has really made me re-evaluate my decision. And no Ms. Romney, or Mrs. Obama I know it is not you on the other end of the line, though I appreciate your efforts and your enthusiasm for your husband. Stand by your man.

3. The Political Talk around the office

Yes, I get it. I work in Government Contracting. And I know for the most part our lives revolve around what the government does. But it has become a twenty four hour session around the coffee pot these days. Its getting rather old. I can now tell you who likes whom-for the most part everyone seems to be Romney fans-and am getting rather tired of hearing the F work dropped after speaking of the President. Those that do support Obama, seem to sit silently fuming listening until they can no longer stand it and then it all hits the fan. While the views may be different, I am of the mind frame that you should have some respect for the president. Like or hate either party, candidate I believe it should be the standard, especially working where you work.

4. Being asked who I am voting for, and if I am Republican or Democrat.

I have, and I claim neither party. I have voted Republican and Democratic. I try to decide what or whom I believe will be right for the country. There are certain things I side with each party, making me an Independent. I will say I hate that I even have to declare anything. I am not a political person,.

5. Seeing the kids dressed in political party gear.

It annoys me to see kids in gear that states the following: I voted for Obama in 08', now I am voting Romney in 12'.  or Forward four more years... Why? Because no, they didn't vote in 08' In fact they weren't even around. I get the parents are full supporters but I really don't think kids should get truly involved. Especially kids that are still in diapers and don't know any better. Even worse when you get them to chant things during a fall parade two months before election. I was sick when I saw two kindergarteners going at each other because one was wearing Obama and one Romney. I wondered how much they actually knew of the man they were 'supporting' because  if you were to ask my son at the moment who is favorite president is he would say 'Obama' and if you asked him why: he would say this: Because that's what I know.' I am pretty sure most kids feel the same way. Despite what their t-shirts say. Leave the politics to the grown ups.

And there you have it. Five things I will look forward to not seeing after the election.
Which if you ask me, can't get here fast enough.

Halloween, 2012

Halloween, 2012. This year it seems more trick than treat.

Sandy has come and gone, leaving her destructive remains along the east coast. Two days after making landfall, life is beginning to get back to normal.

I returned to work this morning. My office, which sits along the Anacostia is lined with fans, an workers who are trying to repair the damage that Sandy brought. It seems that while my home was spared, the office, as minor as it was, got hit.

Schools are back in session, disappointing kids and half of my friends who work for the various school systems alike. Metro, the government and just about everything in DC is back to normal, or some variation.

I know we were lucky. We dodged a bullet. I also know, had Sandy taken a different path, it could very well been us who got the blunt of the storm. Instead of NYC and NJ, who at this very hour are still struggling to pick up the pieces of a broken city. Or cities. I sat for two days watching the aftermath of the hurricane, shaking my head and feeling sick to my stomach at just how a storm can bring down a city, if not permanently. at least for the foreseeable future.

My heart goes out to them.

I know my son will go trick or treating tonight, he will throw on his pirate attire and beg for candy and do everything that a happy three year old is supposed to do on Halloween, having no idea that kids in a city, not all that far in reality from him aren't able to do the same.

We are fortunate for this.

I also realize this is not your typical Happy Halloween blog post. Maybe its not supposed to be.

Maybe it doesn't have to be.

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy...

My thoughts and prayers go out to the city of New York, and NJ where tonight, many people are without homes, food, electricity and hope. May you all be safe, stay strong and know that you are dif. in my thoughts....

Impact

Sandy began her approach this morning, though in all honesty it truly began like any other rain storm really. So much so that we headed into work, because neither Anderson nor my owns work decided to close. Still we made plans to head out early, whether we were given the OK or not. The way I figured it, they were lucky enough I made it in there, and if things where going to be heading the way they were projecting, there was no way I was going to be sitting in an office for the next forty-eight hours.

No way in hell...

And if that wasn't enough, the fact that I came in to three other people-all of which were managers-sealed the deal. I listened as one by one people called in, feeling like they were the smarter of the bunch. And I remained, earning some mad props from the managers who didn't expect most of anyone to be in. Though I admit, I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. Finishing a report and sending myself some things to do in the likelihood that I would not be in tomorrow, before deciding enough was enough and made my way home.  With the deserted roads, and government and the transportation shutdown, it made for an eerie scene as we left. It was like everything and everyone packed up and just left town.

Anderson and I picked up little man from the in-laws and then came home to hanker down for the long run. For how long, it remains to be known as of the moment, we have been fortunate enough not to lose power. It has flickered but it still remains. We were able to cook dinner, give a bath and are now watching TV. We are told its still supposed to get bad, and the winds will be the huge factor tonight. Most everything has been closed for tomorrow including the metro, the government and  my scheduled exam, which I am oh so heartbroken about. And life in the DC area at least for the moment is on standstill.

Believe me, in a town like DC, standing still is pretty damn near impossible.
Way to go Sandy.
Way to go.

Sandy.

A week before election and the biggest news story is not on the candidates and where they may or may not be going, but rather a female storm named Sandy. She rolls into town in a little less than twenty four hours supposedly, bypassing your typical hurricane destination of Florida and hitting the DC/NJ/NY area.

Yep.

And despite the numerous amount of warnings we have received since Thursday, Anderson and I have seemed to be the only ones to ignore it...meaning we are totally not prepared. OK, so Andy God Bless him, has gone and decided now is a good time to go get something. Just in case. But still I am feeling very uneasy this evening as I watch the news on yet another update. Its coming. Its going to be bad, and we may or may not have power come Wednesday. This explains why he is currently out.

Pretty sure the Floridians are laughing at us right about now.
But, if they got a freak snow storm, I am sure they would be doing the same. Even if it was only a millimeter amount.

We have gone over senerios and what ifs. Losing power, the work situation. As of right now, neither Andy nor I have had work give us the we are closed signal. And neither of us expect it to come either. We have little man to think about. And everything else. I have school, its cancelled for Monday, Tuesday is still up in the air. Since I have an exam on Tuesday, a part of me really wants it closed. But not holding my breath. And until the storm actually does hit, I suppose these what ifs are truly just that, what ifs....

Until further notice.

Where o where.

Remember back in the summer, when I mentioned how swamped I was? How all I wanted was the long lazy days of summer? Except I was nothing but busy.

Well some things don't change.

Here we are, the last weekend of October is fast approaching and I find I have not slowed down at all. And where has it gone?

In school, in a wedding and a baby shower. Both were great in their own ways. I need to update and blog about them.

And one on Logan.

I keep meaning to. But between work, school and trying to keep up with a son who is becoming more of a full boy every day is exhausting enough. I will not even mention my commute, which lately has been hoovering around three hours on any given day for really no apparent reason.

The days are getting shorter, which means my time often slips right by me without a blink. And that post I had every intention on writing gets pushed off for another day, another weekend.  And suddenly I am staring at the holidays right around the corner. And I promise myself, and to my small community of readers that I will do better. Try harder. Write more.

Starting tomorrow....

And the beat goes on...

Sometimes its the waiting that's the hardest. The not knowing. The thinking of all the possibilities. Each time my phone beeps, I jump. Each time a new email pops up. I hold my breath. Just waiting.

I keep checking my phone, turning it on and then off. Saving battery for the just in case they call. Though when that phone call-should it come-could be anytime from now til two weeks. For my sanity sake, I hope it is sooner rather than later.

I go through moments when I am certain it will be good news and moments when I am uncertain. I have never been through so much of a roller coaster of emotions since I first found out I was expecting.

I know I want this. I know I can do this.....
I just hope they believe it as well....

The good old hockey game.

This past Thursday would have been the official start of the season. Friday I would have walked into the Verizon Center, taken my first good sniff of the all to familiar scent of fresh ice and thought.

Its good to be back.

But instead of entering the phone booth, ready to get the season under way I sat at home watching the Nats get defeated by the Cards. And instead of waking up Saturday morning analyzing the first two days with Anderson I sat in the comfort of my living room watching reruns of 24/7 the road to the Winter Classic with the Caps/Pens. It was the closest thing I could get to an actual season. It probably should have thrilled me, after all I know how it ends. Except, it didn't. In fact the only thing it really truly did for me was made me realize how much I missed the game. Missed the fans, missed the organ at the arena, the crappy overpriced food that one gets. I missed the fights, the chants, I miss seeing Ovi, and Laich and any other member being flashed across when they score, the obnoxious fan who always roots for the other team, no matter who that other team actually is. I miss the blood on the ice.

I miss hockey.

Period.

 Sure the fact that we don't have a season at the moment means Anderson is actually around, our weekends have remained somewhat normal. Logan has been able to enjoy both parents. But even he I find is getting a little frustrated. Resorting to watching football and the baseball playoffs. Neither of which seems to be of any interest to either of us-especially since the sox never had much of a season, and the Nats are out of it as of last Friday. He looms over the NHL network watching and analyzing last year playoffs, and he doesn't seem to care that its team he has little interest in. Its hockey. Its something. 

But its not the hockey season we hoped.

In the beginning he was siding with the players, backing them in full support. But as time goes by, even he admits that its getting a little ridiculous. His hopes of having hockey back by Thanksgiving seems to be at the moment, a little more wishful thinking than actuality. Still he remains optomistic that there will be hockey this year. Though to wait capacity he is still unsure of...

At this point, I think I would just be glad to have it back. No matter what the terms and the length was.

I just want hockey.

Period. 

Strike one.

Strike one arrived this afternoon when I received the thank you but no thank you email from Disneys Moms panel.

I've received the same email from them for the past three years.  And still, every year when the month of September rolls around I sit patiently at my computer, waiting for the magical hour when the chance once again arises. Hoping that perhaps this year, well this year will be my year.

Only to find that six short-or not so-weeks later myself among the many who have to wait a full year for just the chance to join the elite group of Disney fanatics. And each year, after I receive this email, I always find myself thinking well maybe next year, next year surely will be my year. But this leads to questions whether I will even try out again. Whether I even want to put myself through it all over again. My answer for a few fleeting moments anyway is always no, this is it. But who am I kidding, I know come next September I will be waiting...wishing and hoping.

In all honesty, I do not need to get into the moms panel to determine if I know my stuff or not. After all I have helped several friends plan their own magical Disney vacations. And if I never get in? Well that doesn't mean I am going to stop giving advice.

But damn wouldn't it be nice?? 

I do however have a confession this year. I am actually somewhat OK with this not making it in this year. A few things have come up lately that have made me think, well what would I have done anyway. Things happen for a reason, and perhaps this is a sign. I was even worried should I make it through to the next round, what would I have done then? . Believe me Anderson and I discussed it a few times, going over a few senerio's in our heads should I actually land myself in more than one situation. There was a part of me that had even hoped I wouldn't get in. Which is crazy because how long had I been wanting this opportunity

We never really came up with an answer on what I would do.
And now we don't truly have to.
A part of me is just a little relieved.

The other?

The other part of me is shaking my head, trying to swallow that little bit of disappointment that is bubbling at the back of my throat and wondering if I will ever be good enough.

Tick...tick...tick...

Yep. Thats right....

It has yet to boil.

Sigh.....

Wishing and hoping.

So I came across something interesting today while investigating. It just may be something.

Or it could be nothing and I am thinking it is.

While I will give nothing away, and will keep my mouth shut for the moment.

I will however keep my fingers crossed until further notice.

Please. Please. Please.