OK so gave up isn't quite the right word because really I never gave up on it, I just life happened. The original university I went to I hated. It just wasn't me. In all honesty, it never really was. I went there because my sister went there, and I took the advice that you need to go and experience things away from the home. And so I did. I left. I turned down the school I really wanted and opted to do the thing everyone else wanted me to do. Packed up. But within a half a semester I realized I made a mistake. I stuck it out for a year though, and when I came home I promised myself the next time I would go to school, it would be where I wanted to go, and when I was ready.
But as we all know, life gets in the way. I started working. I got a kick ass job working for a radio station, and I loved it. School would just have to wait. I met my then future husband, I was enjoying life as a young twenty something. I lost the coolest job I had ever had because of relocation. I got another job working for a government contracting. It was a hell a lot less cooler but at least they paid for school. And so I started. But with me now living with the fiance now, and paying for things, I had to go part time. I got married. I finally decided though that it was time to apply to that school I always wanted to go to. And it took three tries but I finally got in, the spring after Andy and I got married.
I couldn't be happier.
Oh how eager I was to start back at the school I should have gone to all those years. I was pumped. I was ready. And then Andy got the job with the Caps, and before we knew it I found myself expecting. Still I told myself I would finish that degree. I promised myself I would. So I took off exactly one semester, and then made my way back to class. Leaving a newborn at home with my husband and my supportive parents who watched him on game nights so I could go.
I was back on track....things were going well.
And for three semesters, it was. I was on the road to graduating. Andy and I started talking about plans, for another child. For the future when I didn't have to attend classes.
And I was so, so close...I was one semester away from being a senior
But last spring I found myself having two emergency surgeries. And having to withdraw from the semesters classes once more. Another semester that I found wasted. Another semester pushed back..I was bummed.
I was still one semester away from being a senior. And with everything pushed back now, it meant I would have to wait on the dreams of adding to the family for a little bit longer. But that was ok, I was going to get it done.
Still determined to finish, I registered again though now that I was heading into the home stretch my classes weren't as readily available and I found myself picking up a class I probably didn't need. But it was something.
By this point, I have been in school for the past seven years. And with each semester I find myself wondering, when is this going to end. Still I knew that I was so close. I couldn't just give up.
And here I am weeks away from the end of the semester and its time to register. But of course, the classes that I need don't fit with the schedule I have. Well. Shit. I mean couldn't there just be an easy button? Adding a class I don't need is wasted money, and time. I can't afford either at the moment.
What to do what to do.
Sometimes there comes a point when you have to wonder is this all worth it? Is this stress this struggle to be everything worth it? I know this was my decision, and I am paying for the mistakes I made over a decade ago. But I also wonder just how much more I can put up with? And if the classes aren't being offered. Then what?
Is it time to admit defeat?
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