There's a spark in you.

'Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind,
wanting to start again?'-Katy Perry's Fireworks.

For the past week, I have come into work and tried to pretend that I don't know whats going on. I have even told myself that this 'tip' I received never happen. Surely she had misheard. I mean I hadn't been told anything different, so perhaps she was.
But then I heard another rumor, that they hadn't found any funding for me, and I was precautioned to at least start looking.

Just in case.

I sat there in the comfort of my cube trying to absord everything. Not wanting to freak. And yet feeling like I had every right to freak out. Every time the door opened I jumped. Expecting it to be the boss to have a talk with me.

It never did.

I was able to breathe again.

And then I began to think, when was the last time my boss even said more than three words to me? Had he? The kid behind me obviously ignored half my emails, and questions and assignments I had sent to him.
Its these little things that I am noticing.

I hated it.

Its like I am that paper bag, drifting just waiting to drop.
Wondering.

I hate knowing that something is coming and yet no one seems to have the balls to come out and say anything about it, or to me. I hate going into work every morning, to complete silence, where I remain in silence for the next eight hours. My Ipod the only thing that keeps me company. I keep coming in thinking is this going to be the day, or tomorrow. I keep thinking at least its one more day that I get paid.

I find myself hesitating to apply, afraid that by doing so I am jumping the gun. Because I don't know what exactly is going on, if anything. And yet I am anxious to, just in case. At least I would have a jump start....right.

Fear is an ugly demon.

I realize I hesitate not only for fear of jumping the gun, but for fear of my own ability. I have done this for so long I doubt I can do much of anything else. Maybe I don't even do that well. I tell myself how stupid this whole thing is. Obviously if they aren't going to want me, why would anyone else want me?? Yes I know this is untrue, and unacceptable to even think. But one finds there confidence shattered in moments like this...

I am no exception.
But I wonder if something shattered can be put back together?

I can only hope.

'Cause baby your a firework, come show them what your worth..'