Things are slowly getting better.
Not great.
But we are all hanging in there.

so how am i doing?

that depends on the moment. sometimes i am quiet, and sad. and then there are times when things are actually normal. and tomorrow is just another day. and everything is fine. but i expect this.

i think the entire family is this way. but we are working through things and while this weekend, may be a very sad moment. at the same time. well its going to be great seeing family, and friends that we haven't seen in awhile.

which is sad. there comes a time when family gatherings are only confined to the weddings and funerals.

and thats it.

i am not normal right now. i am sad and just feel almost. lost. i dont know why, and in a lot of ways i can't fully explain everything or anything really. but i can try.

i start school in two weeks. and while i usually dont mind going to school. i find the mere thought of it right now drains me, scares me and just does not thrill me. but i also know that i need to get it done. i am determined to finish and see it through. because damn it i have put to much time and effort to just give up on it like that. i keep reminding myself that i have maybe two years left. hopefully anyway. and i can do it. i can hold on just long enough to see myself through it. and its ok if i dont like it right now. i have to remind myself that i haven't been back since december of 08' before logan was born. and i am different now. but i also have to say, that usually when i get in the swing of things, it gets better its just the thought that isn't to exciting. and thats ok.

i have talked to andy about it and he said if i dont want to go, then don't. to stop going. thats all he said.

and then there is work. i like it. but i dont love it. i see my son growing up, and i wish i could be there more for him. to raise him the way i want to and not have to hand him over to others to do so for me. not saying my mom isn't doing a great job for she is. but i just wish at times i could do it.

spoke to andy about this as well. he said, then get a new job. just like that but without a bachelors which i am working on, there isn't to much for me. believe me i tried when the whole fiasco thing was going on over in chantilly and all. it took me how long before this one came up? and do i really need that sort of pressure right now on top everything?

he doesn't understand this. but i do. so it sort of goes hand in hand in a way.

and then there is the fact that i still don't entirely know what i want to do once i graduate....

whats wrong with me?

i was so happy on vacation. i loved it. and all. but i have had a lot happen since returning.

and i will admit these heavy thoughts probably steam from the fact my grandmother has passed, and i am not supposed to be all bubbly and happy. and when i am sad i tend to think heavy deep thoughts.

but i should try to remind myself.

this to shall pass...

i shall make this brief and short. for this has been a rather shitty week and it continues to get even more so.

i got the call this morning that we have all been waiting for, for months now. the call to let me know that my grandmother. Ms. Emily Hart Zikowitz had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.she had broken her hip earlier in the week and had been in the nursing home ever since, on morphine. she went quietly and painlessly in her sleep. she did not pass from cancer, sudden sickness or anything morbid. but rather, old age.

we should all be so lucky.

she is in the heavens now among her family she loved so much.

and even though we all knew it was coming, we are all still much saddened by the loss of our loved one. as any would be.

this will have to do for an entry for i am in no mood to write.

The flu has hit our household. It started with Andy on Monday night. We thought it was just food poisoning since it hit him not a half hour after we had dinner, but when I was doing the same thing we knew it wasn't the food poisoning we thought. Both of us are on the mend, Andy returned to work today and I am sleeping off most of what I had in hopes to return to normal tomorrow.

But let me just say.

It sucks.

Logan had his 6 month check up this morning...

He is:

17.5 Ibs and in the 42% tile
29 Inches long in the 90% tile.

Another words we have a bean pole for a child. Everything else is looking really good. We are starting to feed him more baby food and less formula, our wallets will thank us for this...formula is majorly expensive.

He is also so close to crawling it is scary..

Vacation was wonderful...I think Andy and I are one of the few that can say a week in Disneyworld is actually quite relaxing to us. Yet it is, though a week away from our little boy was harder than both of us could imagine. And while it was a great week filled with wonderful food, and a lot of fun. There was something to be said about coming back and seeing my little Logan smiling at us.

And now, sadly. Its back to work I go tomorrow...A thought that makes me, well quite depressed if you want to know the truth.

But on a brighter note.

Only 190 days and I will return to my happy place once more.

And this time I will be bringing the little one along.

We began feeding Logan something other than formula, which he has been living on for the past five and a half months. We figured we would start pretty basic. With applesauce. I mean seriously, you can't go wrong with the stuff. He seems to enjoy it enough, though doesn't quite get the whole spoon in mouth, open up and chew/swallow. I am assuming this will come in time.

Though personally I have to say, there is nothing cuter than a child with applesauce all over his face...

So this is the week. The week at which I have been counting down since the birth of Logan. Now I know what your thinking, the birth of my first son was exciting. I was in love with everything. But then I went back to work, and life began once again into its slow pace. I get up. I hand over my son to my mom/daycare. I get on the metro for an hour and a half ride at least. I go to work where I sit for eight hours only to repeat the process, wait for my husband and then get home in enough time to see Logan for an hour before he is conked out and then its right back to the same thing.

And it just, it begins to drain me.

I am not one of those people that can just work, work work without so much as a vacation. I mean I think I used to be. But now, lately. Man I know I am in need of one. I am just drained anymore. Emotionally, physically. Everything. And if I don't get a break in me sometime soon then I will break.

I know it.

And for several months I have been pushing myself to get to this week, the week where I get to go on vacation, in 3 days to be exact.

Still, it's three days to long.

I have a fascination with my teeth. I have had it pretty much since I was a kid. I always loved brushing and the feel of a clean mouth. My sister's to this day believe I am strange.

It went a step farther when I went to through the braces, expander stage. This lasted a good six years of my life. Yes, you heard me right I endured six long years of no gum, no candy no nothing. I know I probably didn't exactly need to follow every little ounce of their instructions. But for me, it was this or jaw surgery. And I suppose at sixteen, that wasn't an option I really wanted.

So giving up on sweets, seemed to be a better option.

Anyway.

I also prided myself on never having a cavity, never having anything majorly wrong. And you can imagine my disappointment when I went to the dentist two months ago to find out I was having a root canal done.

OK i thought. that isn't horrible. id just go in there, and have them get it taken care of.

four appointments later, and i have yet to get it done. seriously.

my pride has been deflated.

so happy 1st daddys day to my dear husband.
who is a wonderful husband
and an even better dad!

once again we have weathered another week my friends!

so Happy Friday though i for one can't say it has been the most pleasant of fridays out there. i woke up this morning. at 3:30 am! yeah not cool. i had to go pee. not unusual. and then once again i began recognizing the signs. the burning. the pain. the oh shit is this what i think it is.

anyone that knows me, knows i am prone to UTI's. i have had them since i was a kid. they get into the kidneys if your not careful. for a good chunk of time there, i was getting them every 3-4 months. yeah no fun. believe me i have gone to doctors about this....

so i know the signs fairly well. this is also a reason i have trouble with birth control...

so needless to say i have been drinking water up the wadzo. even more than normal. by lunch, i had already had nine glasses. thankfully for me, i think it was just a false alarm. or at least i am hoping it was, because right now i feel pretty good.

finally managed to make it over to the house last night. my mom called me up yesterday at work and asked if she could watch logan for us over night. for real no reason. i said yes. feeling a little guilty that i was so happy she did- and it turned out for the better since the whole bladder thing- anyway. we went over there. his parents were still there doing thing. but thus far. it looks really good. i am really happy with the way things are turning out. though a little worried to. that nothing is going to get done in time and that it won't look nice. but i am silly for thinking this.for i already am seeing the vast improvement since last weekend.

i think burgandy and my mom are going to be helping paint the guest room, which will be nice not that we couldn't but i am one of these people-and i admit it- that once something is started i want it finished. just done and over with. so i really want the paint to be. plus did i mention i have a lavender bathroom in my master. yeah it matched the purple just fine. but the sage green that is now in it?

not so much.

my dad is going to be working on the gutter because according to andys father, it needs to be totally replaced. my dad said he would check it out and see whats going on. but he didn't think so....don't know who i would believe the business man or the electrician.im just taking a wild guess and going with the electrician. but then again he is my dad....and i am my fathers daughter. so we will see. he should be on his way over. he is also installing a mirror and working on the bathroom again. so that is good....

i will say, while i love my in-laws. i am ready for a break from them...i have had as much as i can take...


but things are coming along.
and we still have a week before we actually move.

Andy happened to jump on the local police department's website this evening to discover something unnerving.

a registered sex offender.

living right below us.

i made sure to lock the doors as soon as i heard.

i know they are out there all the time. i am not stupid to know that they don't exist. but i never thought, naively mind you. that someone right below me would be one. its a scary thought. a scary thing. especially knowing that it was for molesting a five year old. and to think randin was out there this evening saying that no one was going to grab him.

it dif, made me think twice.

he did check to see about our new neighborhood.

it came out clear...

You know, I am really beginning to hate HATE Monday's.....
I'm really thinking if we erase Mondays, it would make things that much more easier!

I am sure thousands would agree with me.

I sucked my thumb until I was seven. In school, during dance class, at friends houses. Practically anywhere I went, my thumb was permanently in my mouth. My parents hated it. I can't tell you the number of times they told me my thumb was going to one day, up and fall off my hand because of it. Of course I loved it. Psychologist would call it my oral fixation. I simply call it my comfort.

I stopped on a dare. Or rather a bet from my grandmother who promised me a stuffed Miss Piggy doll if I stopped sucking my thumb. In return she would give up smoking. At seven I fully believed she would be true to her word and stop. Like it was that easy. Somehow my desire for Ms. Piggy beat out my desire for the thumb and I broke free of the addiction that for so long had been my comfort.

Funny, I have not one clue what happened to that doll. I am sure she is stuffed in a black garbage back somewhere in the back of my parents attic being totally ignored.

My thumb on the other hand is still fully attached.

So now Logan has begun his fascination with his fingers. And this evening while over at my parents, he stuck his finger in his mouth-ironically his left-and began sucking away...

I am already on the hunt for a doll. Though I am thinking Kermit over Ms. Piggy..

Buying a house is great. What isn't, is all the little things that come a long with it. Seems as though, every where we turn there is something new to fix. First it was the appliances. And now, well now we are discovering the amount of mold that has been hidden beneath the walls of the basements bathroom. Andy and the gang have gone ahead and ripped out most of it. I suppose tomorrow will be yet another trip to home depot were we will sink (no pun intended) into the house. But I keep reminding myself that after. When all is said and done, and we have moved in. We will have one amazing house. And all the hard work will be for something....

So after all that waiting and sitting around.

We are finally proud new homeowners....

Let the demolishing begin.

well we thought we were going to close. turns out, the selling bank hadn't gotten all the paperwork done in time. which means our closing has been pushed back til tomorrow morning. so it looks like a four day weekend for me. well somewhat i have actually been doing a lot of work from home.since i had planned on closing today i made sure i had things to do at home today. as always i seem to get more done here than i do at work. of course i don't think i brought enough home to get me through tomorrow. but i still have gotten a lot done today...a lot.

amazing huh.

of course we are a bit bummed. you could even say we were pissed earlier about this. because it isn't like they didn't know this date was coming. after all, we have known since the beginning of may, and today was the day that the bank chose. not us. but oh well. its all good. hopefully tomorrow they will have the act together and we can officially close and get started on things.

but believe me, andy and i were both just really really pissed. especially since i did take the time to work from home and and all. i mean its not that i dont enjoy working from home. i just try not to abuse it. i know they let me do it and all. but its truly a work at home when you need to and don't make it a habit if you can help it.

so yeah.

besides work work, i have packed another five boxes. crazy if you think about the fact that we live in a two bedroom apartment. seriously i can only imagine moving if you have a thousand rooms and what not. no, i don't want to think about it. this is a lot of work in itself.

so yeah. we are as i try to remind myself, getting there. we are five boxes closer to finishing up. though in truth it doesn't feel like its a great big feet. after all. we still have so much to do....and then comes the unpacking and the cleaning of the other place.

joy.

at least it is a somewhat nice day. sure the clouds stroll by every now and then but its not to terribly hot, and we have the windows open and the birds are finally singing their beautiful songs so i really can't complain to much.

besides..an accidental three day weekend is always welcomed.

we all have those days. when you wake up, get dressed. and you feel like you look really good. you are pleased with your results. and you just you feel really good about yourself.and you know its just going to be a kick ass day for reasons you can't fully explain.

yeah. today is not that sort of day.

its not that i feel like its not a great day.
its just.

well.

today i just feel blah. i looked in the mirror after getting to work and was like what the hell am i wearing? its not that i dont match. its just i dont like what i put together.

just thought i would say this.

i feel better already.

so last night. we did our final walk through. we, being my dad, andy his father and his uncle. all looked right, and in place not that i didn't expect it to be but still. funny thing was, they all arrived before andy and i did. so they were already there, looking around all. in a way, it was kind of like umm this is our house and they didn't even bother letting us be the ones to enter and show it off.

but we went in and met the new real estate guy, who i actually went to school with his wife. so that is a bit strange in a weird cool kind of way. he wasn't as rude or dislikeable as we thought he was going to be. so that was good. he actually seems to be a pretty cool guy. though we are sad that our lady (alicia) isn't going to be around for the final things. closing and all. because we've only been working with her since march so it would be nice. but under the circumstances. well i can totally understand. word is she is still in the hospital and she will be for a very long time. dif. until she delivers the baby probably. which isn't officially due til august. so yeah.

the general thought is that they really liked it. they thought we did good and that its a great starter place for us. my dad was just so happy and proud you could hear it and see it all over his face. it was such a great feeling. not that i doubted they wouldn't like it but still affirmation is always great.

closing is now twenty four hours away...
weird.

but really really really

exciting!

i hate mondays....

we were supposed to have our walk through yesterday. our final walk through of the house should i say. but on friday night, our real estate lady went into labor. two and a half months early just about. so obviously, the walk through didn't happen. we were hooked up with another real estate agent, who said he had to attend a family bbq. and don't you know he just couldn't get out of it. so he wanted to do it a half hour before we close on thursday. yeah that ain't going to happen. he said it should only take fifteen minutes. if that is the case why couldn't he spare fifteen minutes out of his day yesterday? just my thought.

so yeah. we aren't to thrilled about that one. thankfully, we agreed to meet him tomorrow night after both andy and i got off of work. andy had apparently invited his dad, and his uncle and his brother and nephews a long for sunday. which was totally new to me until his father called about it. actually i got upset because i didn't see the need for all of them to come along. and i thought they had invited themselves, which i thought was even ruder. turns out my husband had invited them. now ok. so i understand my father in law coming. after all, he is helping with the downpayment and all. i get that. i know and don't mind him coming at all. but do we really need his uncle and bro and our two nephews along. when we get the house and keys and he can show it to them come next weekend?

seriously?

and maybe i wouldn't have minded if it wasn't for the fact he didn't even care to bring this up to me first. maybe that is my issue.

so after the whole fiasco of the little lack of communication i get on to metro, take a seat after standing for awhile. only to feel a cold wet spot on my pants.....my drink had decided to spill all over my purse, into half the stuff and onto my pants.

and then i have the most annoying transfer into our organization that i am dealing with. who has proceeded to tell me that we have done everything wrong, that i am only an admin and nothing more, that i have mispronounced a name, when in fact i hadn't, she just didn't know there was an ivory and an iris. yeah. welcome to the group. its nice to have you hear as well. i am so looking forward to working with you.

and to top it all off...
my lovely aunt has decided to come knocking on my door.