I will not talk about tonight's loss againts the Rangers. I will not will not will not. Instead I will remind myself that it is the fourth game of the season. Still plenty of room to grow. Plenty of games to win, and lose.

But it still hurts like hell to lose.

Hockey obsession

Last night as I watched the Caps lose to the Flyers it occurred to me. I had become obsessed. There I was sitting on the edge of my couch, my husband on the other end of it. Memorized, the clock was winding down in overtime. The score was tied, and my nerves were on high. I didnt want to lose. I didn't want to hear it. And yet, as the puck flew past Theodore, sending the Flyers and their fans into a fast frenzy. And it was over. They had handed us our first lose. And I?

I was by myself. I mean I know, we are going to lose games. There isn't any way possible a team can single handedly win all games. I mean it is pretty damn near impossible to do so. But for some reason the first lose, was just devastating. Who cared that we played a game seen more in game 7 of the playoffs than the third game of the season. Who cared that for the entire game we were head to head with what is supposed to be one of the best defensive teams of the year.

In the end we still lost.

Perhaps it wasn't the fact that we lost, but rather it was who we lost to. The Flyers. The hated Flyers. The team, that is probably as much hated as the Pens. Ok, so maybe not. Pens will always be up there number 1. But the Flyers, are still up there. And losing to them was not going to be fun. It was as if the entire season rested on this game. It was as if my entire mood rested on the game.

Or perhaps it was more like

I didnt want to hear about any of the negative comments. I didnt want to hear that there it was, the reason that we won't be going to the cup finals. I didnt want to hear that Ovie can't produce, that the Caps can't produce. I didnt want to hear any of it.

When did I get like this? Seven years ago I barely knew anything about the game. I was riding the coat tails of my husband. I picked the guys he liked. Etc. And now?

Now as I sat there, I was trying to figure out who was more upset, my husband, the man who works for the Caps organization or me.

And thats when I knew, somewhere along the line. I had gone from just your average hockey wife, who loved the team.

To an obsessed fan

So from time to time I have mentioned having more than one blog. I can't help that I am a word junky. Anyway, blogger has been my recent acquire and there for has never been my main one.

No, the title belongs to a little website called Kiwibox, now Kiwi and I have had a relationship for going on damn a decade now. They have gone through a sisters runaway, my first love, an engagement. A marriage, a pregnancy a birth.

it has been there through it all, all documented and written out, with now over two thousand entries total.

But things are changing, and the reasons I have stuck with it may no longer be there. No longer do my cool little designs, that i loved seem to be there. It's looking an awful lot like blogger, livejournal all the other ones.

Perhaps its a silly thing, to be this upset over a site design. But I am a Gemini here. I like change. If nothing more than being able to change the layout on a daily basis..Different layouts for different moods sort or thing. It was nice. I liked it.

And i liked it a lot more than some other sites that I felt like were overexposure. I would have a hard time finding out exactly who I was. You have to do a little more digging with this site.

I used to justify my reasons for staying, I have several things written there. I have written every day, for the past years. Things I havent shared with people are on there. Erasing it would be like erasing my life in a lot more ways than I want to admit. But at the same time, I am no longer a teenager. The site geared to young adults and adolescents. Doesn't quite fit with my vibe anymore.

So its a sad thing to think, but i do believe my days with kiwi are coming to an end. But I no longer feel like with the new site that is sure to be coming, there is any specific reason to stay. There is no strong desire to stay like there once was.

The breakup is inevitable.

So last night.

The Caps won.

2-0 baby.

So its that time of year again. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping. And here at the Mattice household, excitement is building. Tonight begins the first of forty one home games of the 2009-2010 hockey season. As it has been for the pat several fall's now, I will be making my way down to the Verizon center to catch the home opener. But this year brings something different. A certain sort of buzz around the area about the team.

Not only are we the winning team of the area, but there is a very good chance that this could be our year. The year that we go all the way and take Lord Stanley. I can't remember a year when there was more of a buzz around the caps than the skins. And yet that is exactly what it is this year.

Let's just hope that this year is just as good as they predict. And the Caps can live up to all their hype.

Bring on Hockey season people

yesterday i couldnt believe it was already october.

today marks the 90 days left in the year mark. which is more unreal here. the fact that its october or the fact in 90 days from now we will be writing 2010 on everything.

you be the judge.


or perhaps what is the scariest thing to think of is the fact that today is october the 2nd, meaning my little logan is now 8 months old.

i know i need to update some pictures. i should do that this very weekend. i have a bunch on the camera i just need to upload. we took some professional ones two weeks ago, but they never sent us the link to them, after calling four times. so i dont know what we are going to do. maybe go to picture people themselves and find out whats going on. not that we didnt buy some copies but the link to buy some extra ones would be nice.
but yeah. he is 8 months. and growing like a weed.

this past months accomplishments are as follows:

1. 'talking' a lot more. every now and then the word dad or ma ma comes out. we dont know if this accident or not.
2. scooting, not to be confused with crawling but he is so close to it.
3. he has two bottom teeth now. which andy has verified more times than not. hey he was the one to stick the finger in his mouth on purpose.
4. he is laughing, and just overall more observant than anything.
and lets not forget...
5. he has discovered he has a pee pee.
and he enjoys it.'






my mom thinks this is hilarious, always saying i dont remember my other grandsons playing with it. i on the other hand remind her i took a psychology class a couple of semesters ago and remember learning about baby stages. self discovery is totally part of it. and natural. so i am not worried one bit....

and hey i was just elated i remembered something.

speaking of classes. financing wasnt actually bad last night. it was learning how to balance a check book. considering i do it still and did it as a kid. i know how to do it. so yeah for me. i also managed to turn in my homework only to find out that it was for a competition grade so yeah...as is the assessment that i did.

which is a good thing because he handed back the quizzes...and yeah. i got a 53 on it. the good news is, its only out of 80 now, and since i was there the entire class he added another three points. so i got a 56 out of 80, bringing my score to a 70. which is a C in his book. added to it, i get to correct it and tell him why i missed the ones i did. for some bonus points.

believe me i will gladly take it.

at this point i will take anything i can get to help me on. it may not be the greatest grade i will ever receive. but damn it it will probably be the hardest earned!

welcome to october!

man i cant believe we are already here. the beginning of another month, two months shy of it being the end of another year. really where does the time go anymore?

and it has dropped majorly temperature wise. i wrapped myself up in a coat and stood outside waiting for the train to get me i was just like ooo crap. what happened to summer. wasnt it just last week?

it reminding me i need to pull out my sweaters and forgo my t shirts for another six months. while i love sweaters and all the thought of it getting into the sort of cold nasty weather i dread. isnt such a lovely happy thought to me.

but i do love october. its probably one of my favorite months of the year. the colors, the smells. the holidays. everything. its just gorgeous. and ah...

not to mention it indicates my halfway through another sememster point. and really who wouldn't like that thought?

and today, brings another thing. the beginning of hockey season. which means i am officially a hockey widow. until june. i joke about this. its not that bad at times but at other times i just want to see my husband. though now i have logan and i will be able to spend all that time with him....

just me and my guy.

it being opening night, we are away. up in boston, ill have to see if andy can keep me posted on the score throughout class.

i would have skipped if i didn't have homework to turn in...that and if i wasn't so damn lost in the subject.

i really dont have a lot to talk about today.
can we tell.

i managed to finish my homework. i got an email from the professor who told me the answers where posted. so i checked. i didnt do to bad actually, a few i missed so i corrected and all. and am good to go. now watch, he won't even for it to be turned it. i mean we are adults after all, and its just so typical....

but i did it.
without any help.

thank you very much.

im tired. logan got us up again last night. and while andy went to change him, i went to make a bottle, when he came down i asked if he needed anything and he said, yes. more sleep. i volunteered to take logan at that point. he said no. its ok.

so i went back up. but i am sure he is going to bitch about it tonight how tired he is and blah blah blah. but you know i didnt have to offer at all. but thats just typical of him.

i am sure you think i dont love him. but believe me i do. i count myself lucky i have met such a man, who would be willing to do most anything to make me happy, including talking about leaving his job in order to find a better paying one. he know i would love to stay home with logan and all. he knows i would love to work closer to home. so he would if i asked him to even though i won't have this, if thats what it came to he would.

so yes i am really fortunate.

now if only i could be as fortunate and win the lottery.

it may not solve all problems, but it would at least help..

so monday is not even gone yet.

and i am already ready for the weekend.

is it here yet?

we didn't take logan to the doctors. we got him from my mom, andy being a typical male said we should just keep an eye on him and see how he is doing. so aleisha put away her little worrying self and said fine. even when he was coughing and couldn't breath, and andy was sucking his brains out in one of those green nose sucker thingabobs they give you at the hospital. i just let him do it. because he kept insisting he was fine. and the only thing he said was if it was to make me feel better to go ahead and call.

which so was not the point of the whole thing.

i think he thinks logan will always be feeling well. he thinks that he will never get sick and will never have to be taken. at least that is the feeling i get because whenever i feel like we should take him, he is always like well...and i asked last night about taking his temp and he just just said, well it would be through his butt and i dont think he would like that at all. so we didnt. because apparently i am to much of a worrier.

he did sleep through the night. and even if he is a bit congested, it wasnt enough to go for now. so lets hope....

i could take a nap.

the next several days look to be a busy one in the aleisha household. andy has a game tonight, so i am with logan. tomorrow i have class so he is with daddy. friday is free saturday, andy is working the caps convention and has be there by 7:30 am and won't get out til probably ten at night. and on sunday he has another hockey game. meanwhile i have a quiz tomorrow and a paper due on monday. which shouldnt be to hard considering its only a two to three at max page paper. easy. or so i say. hoping to get to it tonight while andy is at the preseason game. if not over the weekend while he is at the games and the convention.

after all tonight is so you think you can dance and glee...
and i will be home by myself with my son who will probably and should be in bed by that point in the evening.

so much for being married huh?

so my first official quiz of the semester is down. not quite sure how i did. we actually challenged an answer or two because of the way it was worded. she apparently said she may take off one or two which will be good. not to mention once again that she drops the lowest of the four quizzes. so that is good. because i think we are all going to need that one.

mom called. because andy had a hockey game last night, and i had class she took logan over night. anyway. she said he has been coughing and is congetisted and all. and he won't let anyone go near his right ear. not a good sign. she said he just keeps screaming his head off. so i am thinking we just may be dealing with the first case of sickness he has had since he was born.

at seven and a half months. that truly isn't to terrible. not at all. i just hope my little man feels better.

i think we are going to call the doctor as soon as we get in, hoping to get him in either tonight or at the least tomorrow morning. but tonight would be better for sure. i hear those things, ear infections that is, if in fact it is one, are nasty to deal with. and the longer that it goes on. the harder it is. so i am hoping we can get in and all and get it taken care of as soon as possible.

of course i am hoping its not and he just doesnt like anyone messing with his ears.

i already told andy about it. since he has a game tomorrow i would need to stay home but i have class on thursday and he doesnt have anything so maybe if need be he can stay home on thursday or something. i dont know. this is of course if in fact he is sick. andy said we should wait it til tomorrow, but he wasn't feeling good on sunday night. at least i didn't think so. and i had told him this. but whatever.

i just dont want him feeling bad. getting worse. turning into something that will cause permanent damage in the end. and yes i know i am paranoid. but its my first child, and all so i think i am allowed to be. i mean i dont know what goes on.

other than that my day has been uneventful for the most part. though it seems i have been on the phone for the majority of it all. working out some issues for a new hr with our HR department and stuff like that. i say it as though its no big deal. when in fact i was on the phone with them for the better part of an hour with the whole I-9 mess. not a fun thing at all. and of course i usually don't get any calls during the day, when i do. it floods. i think i had five people call all the same time. and i couldn't hang up so they left messages. most of them were thankfully my mom and andy. so it wasn't any big deal. still an hour on the phone with an hr rep is no fun at all.

and on this, the first day of fall. it is kind of gloomy and overcast making it a pefect segway into a new season!

Its the last official day of summer..the thought bums me out.

Majorly.

You have no idea how much so.

So, maybe I won't be getting and A. But as I sat there, going over problems with the professor before class last night I figured a way to pass the class.

Kindness.

And a lot of hardwork. I admit it, I know what to do. Go to him with help, be there. Sit through the long classes and all. Because if I can't necassarily understand the material all the way I can at least show him I am making an effort.

And hey it is working thus far.

I sat up in his office for a good hour long session last night, two other girls eventually joined asking questions and all. Right up til the very minute that our class was to begin. And when I asked him if I could be a few minutes late to grab my good old Dr. Pepper-because I can't survive a three hour financing class or any class for that matter without it.- He said sure no problem take your time. He then gave me money and asked if I could grab him a Red Bull.

I of course walked in, walked to the front of the lecture hall and handed him one. The look on the kids faces said it all. Teachers pet.

Maybe so.

But if it helps me pass. I am all for it.

so its now the middle of september. logan is seven months old, hockey season is just about to start back up and i am once again back in school. things are moving a long for us. i will admit it isnt easy. there are several moments throughout the day when i worry about being everything to everyone. there are moments when i want to cry, because i am trying to figure out financing a class i dread just about every week. because i am once again on my two hour commute and hate it. wishing i could spend more time with logan. who i feel is growing up before my eyes. moments when i know hockey season is around the corner. the first game is just about two weeks away. and i know that before i know it, andy will be at work during the nights. and i am trying to figure out how i am going to do it all. and still sleep at night.

no i didnt think it was going to be easy. i get it. but there are times when i dont think i thought it was going to be this hard either. i cant lie. it is extremely hard. to do it all. but somehow i am managing. and i am hoping that the reward will be greater in the end.

at least i can hope cant i.

Things are slowly getting better.
Not great.
But we are all hanging in there.

so how am i doing?

that depends on the moment. sometimes i am quiet, and sad. and then there are times when things are actually normal. and tomorrow is just another day. and everything is fine. but i expect this.

i think the entire family is this way. but we are working through things and while this weekend, may be a very sad moment. at the same time. well its going to be great seeing family, and friends that we haven't seen in awhile.

which is sad. there comes a time when family gatherings are only confined to the weddings and funerals.

and thats it.

i am not normal right now. i am sad and just feel almost. lost. i dont know why, and in a lot of ways i can't fully explain everything or anything really. but i can try.

i start school in two weeks. and while i usually dont mind going to school. i find the mere thought of it right now drains me, scares me and just does not thrill me. but i also know that i need to get it done. i am determined to finish and see it through. because damn it i have put to much time and effort to just give up on it like that. i keep reminding myself that i have maybe two years left. hopefully anyway. and i can do it. i can hold on just long enough to see myself through it. and its ok if i dont like it right now. i have to remind myself that i haven't been back since december of 08' before logan was born. and i am different now. but i also have to say, that usually when i get in the swing of things, it gets better its just the thought that isn't to exciting. and thats ok.

i have talked to andy about it and he said if i dont want to go, then don't. to stop going. thats all he said.

and then there is work. i like it. but i dont love it. i see my son growing up, and i wish i could be there more for him. to raise him the way i want to and not have to hand him over to others to do so for me. not saying my mom isn't doing a great job for she is. but i just wish at times i could do it.

spoke to andy about this as well. he said, then get a new job. just like that but without a bachelors which i am working on, there isn't to much for me. believe me i tried when the whole fiasco thing was going on over in chantilly and all. it took me how long before this one came up? and do i really need that sort of pressure right now on top everything?

he doesn't understand this. but i do. so it sort of goes hand in hand in a way.

and then there is the fact that i still don't entirely know what i want to do once i graduate....

whats wrong with me?

i was so happy on vacation. i loved it. and all. but i have had a lot happen since returning.

and i will admit these heavy thoughts probably steam from the fact my grandmother has passed, and i am not supposed to be all bubbly and happy. and when i am sad i tend to think heavy deep thoughts.

but i should try to remind myself.

this to shall pass...

i shall make this brief and short. for this has been a rather shitty week and it continues to get even more so.

i got the call this morning that we have all been waiting for, for months now. the call to let me know that my grandmother. Ms. Emily Hart Zikowitz had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.she had broken her hip earlier in the week and had been in the nursing home ever since, on morphine. she went quietly and painlessly in her sleep. she did not pass from cancer, sudden sickness or anything morbid. but rather, old age.

we should all be so lucky.

she is in the heavens now among her family she loved so much.

and even though we all knew it was coming, we are all still much saddened by the loss of our loved one. as any would be.

this will have to do for an entry for i am in no mood to write.

The flu has hit our household. It started with Andy on Monday night. We thought it was just food poisoning since it hit him not a half hour after we had dinner, but when I was doing the same thing we knew it wasn't the food poisoning we thought. Both of us are on the mend, Andy returned to work today and I am sleeping off most of what I had in hopes to return to normal tomorrow.

But let me just say.

It sucks.

Logan had his 6 month check up this morning...

He is:

17.5 Ibs and in the 42% tile
29 Inches long in the 90% tile.

Another words we have a bean pole for a child. Everything else is looking really good. We are starting to feed him more baby food and less formula, our wallets will thank us for this...formula is majorly expensive.

He is also so close to crawling it is scary..

Vacation was wonderful...I think Andy and I are one of the few that can say a week in Disneyworld is actually quite relaxing to us. Yet it is, though a week away from our little boy was harder than both of us could imagine. And while it was a great week filled with wonderful food, and a lot of fun. There was something to be said about coming back and seeing my little Logan smiling at us.

And now, sadly. Its back to work I go tomorrow...A thought that makes me, well quite depressed if you want to know the truth.

But on a brighter note.

Only 190 days and I will return to my happy place once more.

And this time I will be bringing the little one along.