Andy has had hockey games, every other night for the past two weeks. yeah it was fun for awhile but it is getting incredibly harder and harder. I miss my husband. I miss seeing him. I wonder where our relationship will go. Sometimes I worry about this sort of stuff. Its not that I am worried we won't survive. but at the same time I am. Its not an easy thing, being a new parent. Being a hockey wife. Doing everything, Adjusting to everything. But somehow we have to learn to manage it all. And we will.
Its just going to take some time.

You know, there was a time, not to long ago when I thought people who were in bed before ten were absolutely nuts.
Now I find myself, as one of them.
Ah. the good old days.

So I am beginning to think our next big investment should be, a lazy boy. Why? Because it seems as though lately, one if not both of us end up on the couch, or in the rocking chair at one point or another during the night. And it depends on whom you may ask to determine which is the most comfortable. Andy, would probably say it’s the rocking chair, because at 6’3, our tiny couch is not quite size appropriate for him. I on the other hand fit nicely in the couch.

Back to the lazy boy.

It never started out this way. We had no plans on falling asleep out in the living room. Or even falling asleep in different rooms but somehow it seems as this is exactly what is happening. Andy will rock Logan for a few minutes, placing him back in his crib, which he seems to be adapting to more and more before crawling back into bed himself. I on the other hand, usually lay there in the dark, listening to him breath, which is currently one of my favorite sounds in the world and soon enough not only is he asleep, but I am as well.

And while to me, sleeping on a couch isn’t so bad. I came out the other night, to both my husband and my son asleep in the rocking chair the third night in a row. Andy looking so uncomfortable, I knew he would be uncomfortable in the morning.

And when my predictions were right the following morning.
I seriously considered looking into that lazy boy.

you know, its an amazing thing. when you realize that an actor, whom you never truly cared for what so ever, is actually quite an amazing and talented guy. that would be my case with hugh jackman. ok so he is nice looking in an unconventional kind of way. a way i had never once thought about before tonight. and sitting her watching the oscars, a show in which he is hosting, he just did the opening act. and i find he is quite the talented guy. far more than i had ever given him credit for.
and i find the stock in his like ability has just gone up in my books.

so its valentines day. its a hallmark holiday. a silly made up overrated holiday.

and yet, if it is. why am i so upset that andy forgot about it. and admittedly forgot, or said he didn't really think about it. why does it bother me so much? why because i am a female. and while i would like to say it doesn't bother me, and that its not big deal. when all is said and done. it is a big deal and it does bother me.

because i got him something. it was cheesy. it was a whole lot of nothing. and i was a day away from having logan when i got it for him. but at least i made an effort. he didn't.

have i mentioned he works on top of a mall. with a hallmark right below. i didn't want much. i wasn't expecting much. but a card would have been nice.

it really would have.

and now he has gone out to get some cat food. and some diapers. but he knows that he is in the dog house. meaning, i am sure he will be walking in with something.

because he knows i am upset.

and yes i realize it is all truly silly.

hard to believe it has been a week since i had my little blueberry, ok so a week and some odd hours. but still. there are times, when i look at him and think, wow, was it really a week ago. and yet at the same time, it seems as though i have had him for ages now.

i absolutely love him to pieces.

he is beginning to really look around. and you can see where he is getting his looks from. he has my nose, the russian/hungarian nose that is so unmistakable. and andy's chin. his cleft as andy says, butt chin. but he is adorable. and i can't wait to see his little personality come through. i know thats going to be fun to watch develop.

but i can't deny i love this stage. the adorableness of it all, the sweetness of it all. i know these times won't last very long so i need to enjoy it as much as i can.

and i know there are so many more moments to look forward to as the months and the years to come.

so how does it feel to be a mom?

amazing!

thats what. its just so amazing how easy, how natural it comes. i thought, for awhile there how i wouldn't know what to do. how i would do things all wrong. and how i just wouldn't be half the mom my own mother was. or is. but surprisingly, everything is coming naturally. perhaps it is built in to all of us.

and i am totally in love with him. granted i expected to be. but i just, i just didn't know or think i could possible love someone so little and so new. but it is a wonderful joy to know.

and what about andy?

oh he is amazed and just as much in love with our little 'blueberry' as i am. and he is a wonderful father. letting me sleep last night because i am still very weak and lightheaded and just exhausted. i felt horrible but he said, he knows what i went through was scary, and they told him that i would be this way for a bit. because the reality is, while childbirth is normal. and all, i lost a lot of blood and had to have my placenta scrapped out of me. and that is not.

so yeah we are adjusting and loving every minute of it.

my milk has finally come in, i tried breastfeeding but it really wasn't working so i am pumping instead and its working a hell of a lot better. we are also keeping soy formula handy, just in case and use it when we can, or need. but so far he seems to be taking to the breast milk really rather nicely.

because of both pumping and my complications andy is telling me and encouraging me to eat more often, to keep not only my strength up but to keep my nourished. i love that man. he is so concerned for me. makes me sit, rest and all.

i need it for not only myself now but for logan.

so yes. i love being a mommy. i am enjoying it. its going to be a lot of hard work, there are going to be challenging moments, which is all to be expected. but i am looking forward to it.

and i wouldn't change it for the world.

in truth i think it actually started saturday, i was having minor contractions but nothing major. i went about my business, got our phones. on sunday afternoon, i was in a little bit of pain, but it didn't really start until the evening while the super bowl was going on. i had a funny feeling i would be ending up at the hospital before the end of the night. sure enough, by 6, i was calling the doctors and was told to make it to the hospital. got there, was only 2 cm dilated.they sent me home around 10:30.

we stopped got a soda. came home took a shower, tried to sleep, but it was only getting worse and while andy slept i was really timing it. we called back we timed for another two hours before making our way back to the hospital at 4:30 in the morning. again they told me i was still only 2 cm's and that i would probably be going home. luckily, the same triage nurses were there and they suggested me walk around. so for an hour and a half i walked the entire hospital. by 7, i was finally 4 cm's and they took me.

i decided on an epidural right away, i knew i wanted one and i knew that it may slow down the process but i wanted it done before it got to late. and with already being over 4 CMs by that point i figured may as well. the doctor had told me i would probably have him by dinner time.

things really didn't start moving until 8, when they said i was finally dilated enough to start going into delivery. i was surprised by the length of time, what seemed to be minutes was actually an hour, and:

Logan Alexander Mattice was born at 9:32pm on Monday, February 2,2009 weighing in at 6 pds, 13 ounces and was 19 inches long.

However after i had him, there was complications with me, and the immediately took him away. The placenta wasn't coming out all the way, and i was losing way to much blood. Nurses and doctors began swarming in and around like nobodys business, they started pumping medicine, talking of emergency surgery and hesterctomy. i admit i dont remember to much and am getting two different stories from my mom and andy. mom says i was out of it, and was saying my goodbyes to everybody. andy said it wasn't that bad. but i do know i was bleeding and stark white. so pale. it was really scary.

but everything turned out alright. and both of us are well. i was on a lot of medication up until yesterday afternoon. i am still very weak and my blood is still a little low, as well as being anemic. but the important thing is i have a beautiful son, and i am safe. as is he.

and everything is still intact.

So it looks like I am heading off to the hospital...

Wish me luck.